The Heavensent Life

MOVING ON

2007-08-20T17:31:00.000+08:00

I'm saying goodbye to the old and hello to the new. Thank you for all those who visited this blog and thank you to Blogger for being my home on the web for more than 2 years.

I am moving to my own home:

http://jayme.passiotive.com

See you there!

As within so without, as without so within

2007-08-04T10:57:00.000+08:00

And so the wise men say.

I've been trying to organize my life lately: my schedules, my finances, my stuff, my files, my clothes, my blogs and even my online accounts. I've also re-connected with friends and I even respond to email now.

I'm beginning to see how messy everything has been. Since I got pregnant and gave birth to Jamaine, I focused profusely on everything about her. I guess I was worried, unneccessarily, that something might go wrong the moment I shift my focus.

A lot of things cluttered my mind and it resulted to as much clutter all around me. It's not a very happy sight, you see.

So now, I'm taking it one step at a time. No pressure. Just little organizing accomplishments one after the other.

Burning letters

I've recently thrown out all the letters and miscellaneous notes, I've accumulated since my gradeschool years. I consider it my biggest accomplishment yet.

The sentimental side of me vehemently refused at first. Perhaps, that's why I've kept it all these years. There were love letters, letters from friends, farewell notes during graduation, retreat letters, and love poems. A bulk of it were letters from my bestfriend Tin, most of which were on those cute stationeries commonly collected by little girls.

But I realized many of those letters have already done their purpose. They've made me laugh, cry, fume and swoon at one time or the other. But they are all part of the past and should be kept there.

It's time to let go.

Though I can't remember all of them, I do remember that I've been loved and treasured by some of the most wonderful people in this world. And that's something that I would keep for a lifetime.

Besides, seeing the empty space where the box of letters used to be brought a sense of relief over me. As if something was lifted off my shoulders.

I guess in a way, it cleared some clutter off my mind as well.

Charting my direction

Did you ever experience just waking up and aimlessly going about your day?

I did. A lot of times actually.

Before, I had a tendency to live my life on autopilot especially when things got routinary and comfortable. Besides I was only living for me.

It continues to amaze me how one tiny baby can change my life in such a huge way.

Now, I have someone who depends on me to raise her and take care of her. And if I want to do that right, I know I've got to have a plan.

I can no longer live just day to day. I have to live my life with purpose and set some goals.

It sounds hard actually, especially when you're used to just letting things happen and going with the flow.

But having goals helps me determine where I want to be, where I want us to be. And when you know your destination, it makes charting your direction a whole lot easier.

Have you set any goals lately?

Blowing away the dust and some weird things about me

2007-07-26T12:52:00.000+08:00

Wow! Did you see the dust I just blew off this blog? Just one more day and it would have been exactly one month since I last wrote an entry here.

Well apart from my mommy, wifey and employee duties, my absence has been partly due to my renewed obsession with reading books.

I aim to finish reading at least one book a week and it's really been an enlightening and inspiring experience. The last time I remember reading this much was when I was in highschool. As to what books have sparked this obsession, that will have to be another story, hopefully to be written within this week...hehe...=)

Thank you to everyone who dropped a note, prayed for and wished my baby well. Jamaine has recovered completely and is a bouncing and beautiful baby again. She can do a 360 degree roll on the bed now, that's why I'm keeping a steady eye on her lest she ends up on the floor. It amazes me how she's growing so fast.

We also had her christened last July 7. I think the 777 date will bring her lots of luck. I will post the pics of the event in my next post.

Meanwhile, Kernie and I are planning to take up taekwondo together. We recently discovered that I've got good flexibility, one of the musts if you want to take up the martial art. He says I'm actually more flexible than he is, but he's the one who's got the red belt. We think going to Taekwondo class may be a good way to spend time together and get back in shape.

Before I end this post, I'll finally answer the meme from Atomicgirl, sorry it took so long. Joel, I'll answer yours next.

Some weird things about me (It's supposed to be ten but I came up short)

1. I sleep with my fists closed or with my hands under a pillow. When I was still a naive little girl, someone told me elementals can read your palms when you're asleep so they can enter your dreams and give you a nightmare. Since then, I always slept with closed fists and/or with my hands under a pillow. Though I don't believe that now, I carried the mannerism with me until I grew older.

2. I hate watching horror movies. I tend to remember the icky scenes and get nightmares.

3. I like to find out the ending of a movie or a story/book before watching or reading it. Some will say this is a spoiler and it takes out the thrill of watching or reading. But I'm a sucker for happy endings, I'm just built that way i guess. When I find out the ending of the movie/book is unhappy, I will not watch/read it. (Imagine my disappointment when I watched the "City of Angels" without finding out the ending first! I ended up loving and hating the movie at the same time.)

4. I like sitting with my legs crossed under me... even when I'm in the office (sometimes when I'm in a resto with comfy couches). I don't know why but sitting that way is more comfortable for me.

5. I eat dessert first. Chocolate is like my appetizer.

I tag Carli, A, Kris and Leah.

More posts soon.

Have a Lovely Day everyone!

UTI or USOG?

2007-06-27T12:06:00.000+08:00

For those who are not familiar with the term, usog is:
- an old belief that certain people carry an unconscious ability to cause discomfort or illness to someone they greet
- it is said that people who are tired and hungry have the strongest power of usog
- babies are the most susceptible to usog though some adults are prone to it too
- usog can be prevented by saying "pera usog," wiping some of the person's saliva on the leg, stomach or forehead of the one he greets, or by wearing amulets

Whatever it is, I'm sure glad it was all over.

Last week, Jamaine was confined in the hospital for four days due to UTI. That's according to the pedia's diagnosis. But according to my folks' theory, she had gotten usog.

Last Tuesday, when Jamaine started vomitting all the milk she took in, I surmised she must have a stomach problem or she must have been allergic to my breastmilk. But when I gave her formula, she vomitted just the same. After the second vomit episode, I consulted her pedia who advised that if she vomits a third time, we must bring her to the ER.

I was clueless as to what may have caused the vomitting. She was completely alright and bouncy before it started. She had no fever, colds or coughs. And after each vomit, she would go back to her usual self as if nothing happened.

A voice echoed in my head, one that I knew too well: "O wag niyo muna ilalabas si Jamaine hangga't di nabibinyagan. Baka mausog yan."

My mom always warned us about that old belief that a baby should not be taken out of the house until she is baptized because she will be susceptible to usog. I simply thought, we shouldn't take Jamaine out because she might be susceptible to a lot of bacteria outside the home.

I suddenly had a flashback: Kernan took Jamaine to the office two days before to visit me during our spiels shoot. And a lot of people greeted her then. I don't remember anyone of them saying "pera usog" or wiping a little saliva on Jamaine's leg which, as the elders say, should ward off usog.

Actually, Kernan and I don't believe in that stuff. Besides, i think, wiping saliva on whatever part of the baby's limbs is so unhygienic and, well, icky. So I simply dismissed the possibility of usog and hoped Jamaine would get well.

But she vomitted a third time so we brought her to the hospital where she vomitted a fourth time. This time, she had gotten weak and her fontanel was a bit sunken signalling dehydration. I couldn't feed her anything since she needed to rest from all the vomitting episodes she had.

The nurses hooked her to an IV and told us she needed to be confined. They conducted a urinalysis and found out there were bacteria and traces of blood in her urine signalling UTI.

I asked the pedia how she could have possibly contracted UTI when she was just a baby. She said Jamaine may have gotten the bacteria from being soaked in a diaper or because of an internal infection. I didn't agree with the former because Jamaine wore cloth diapers throughout the day and disposable diapers only at night. I emphasized to my yaya the importance of cleaning Jamaine immediately and thoroughly whenever she pees or poos. But how could she have gotten an internal infection?

Anyway, Jamaine was given some antibiotics, and she seemed to be doing better. But when I tried to feed her again, she vomitted for the fifth time.

Finally, my parents told me to consider that Jamaine's vomitting may not be an entirely medical case. My mom said we should try to remember the people who greeted Jamaine and who among them possibly carried an usog.

My yaya, who hails from Bicol, believed in such stuff and mentioned that one of Kernan's officemates may have probably caused the usog. The guy, she said, actually mentioned that he did not want to greet Jamaine because he was very exhausted at that time. (It was a common belief that people who are extremely exhausted or hungry should not greet a baby because they carry a very strong usog with them.) But he couldn't resist and greeted Jamaine anyway.

I know it all sounded too ridiculous. My parents said these are things that doctors don't know and believe but they are true.

I looked at Jamaine and my heart was broken at how she would bang her IV board to her face in an attempt to remove it. I would distract her for a bit but then she would go at it again.

I decided it wouldn't hurt to follow my parents advice. I asked Kernan to request his officemate if he could please drop by the hospital and visit Jamaine. I told Kernan, I may not fully believe in that usog stuff, but at that point, I was willing to try anything for Jamaine to get better.

That guy did come a few hours later, He told me that he, in fact, believes in usog and knows he has it. He said he has kids too and he abides by certain supernatural / traditional beliefs and practices whenever one of his kids get sick. Before leaving, he said, "Okay na yan, magaling na yan."

Hours after that, Jamaine started feeding normally and didn't vomit at all. Her repeat urinalysis and urine culture test also came out negative as if the infection never happened.

I told the pedia about the possibility of usog. She said, she does not rule out such possibilities but it was also important that Jamaine's UTI was detected and it should be treated completely.

We were finally discharged from the hospital last Saturday afternoon and Jamaine has been on oral antibiotics since then.

She's doing better everyday and healthy as ever.

So, was it UTI or usog?

Some told me that usog is true and they have actually experienced it themselves. Some say it's just an old folk's belief and the possibility of it happening may just as well be a coincidence.

If there's anything I learned from this, it's to be open to all possibilities and beliefs. As long as it's not harmful or out of this world crazy, it wouldn't hurt to follow some old-fashioned advice.

After all, it's not about proving which between old beliefs and medicine work better. What's more important is to use both to ensure that my baby's happier and healthier.

Fighting the Thinking Block

2007-06-05T09:56:00.000+08:00

You know that situation when you think so much so you never get anything done?
Some have writer’s block or blogger’s block if you will, because they can’t think about what to write.

I , on the other hand, was thinking so much about a lot of stuff I want to write about that I never got to write anything. (I won’t list them down because they’re bound to be endless)

So I’m calling it the Thinking Block.

This is something you don’t want to get stuck with because it’s a waste of ideas and opportunities. And it’s not just with writing but with other aspects of life as well.

Thinking is a good thing because it spurs on potentially great ideas. But when you just spend all your energy thinking and planning but never start doing something, you’re putting all those ideas to waste and end up accomplishing nothing.

So this morning, I finally got myself to stop thinking and just start writing.

Can you think about one thing you want to do today but you have postponed it for days or weeks or (fill your time frame here )?

I say, “Just do it.”

Note: You can stop reading this entry and just get moving. I’d be so happy for you because you’re on your way to accomplishing greater things. But if you’re still feeling a little lazy or curious about what I have to say, then read on. I’d appreciate that too. A little delay won’t hurt.
“Just do it” has become one of my favorite phrases lately because it motivates you to take action and empowers you to accomplish greater things.

Whether it’s writing that awe-inspiring blog entry, achieving that healthy body, learning to cook that superb meal, or talking to that guy you’ve been wanting to ask out for a date. They all involve one crucial step: just do it.

You can plan all you want, think all you want, prepare all you want. But those won’t amount to anything unless you take action.

It’s funny how sometimes you build your own obstacles when you think about doing something or trying something new. You think “It’s gonna be hard,” “I’m scared,” “I don’t have the time,” or “I have more important things to do.” You come up with a hundred and one reasons not to do it when there’s just one important reason why you should: to make you happy.

Why postpone your own happiness?

Just start taking action. And when you’re already doing it, you’ll see that all those excuses and fears just start fading away. You’ll find out that things get more exciting as you go along and before you know it you’ve done it.

This post is a concrete example. I started with four words and now I’ve written an entire entry.

Accomplishment is a wonderful feeling to carry around everyday.

An accomplishment, no matter how small, moves you to believe that “I CAN.”

And just imagine how a whole world of possibilities open for you when you start believing in yourself.

Are you thinking of accomplishing something that you want today?

Just do it.

And be sure to tell me how it worked for you. I’d be happy to hear about it.

Get up and get moving!

2007-05-23T18:17:00.000+08:00

How many times have you tried to start an exercise regimen but never got around to doing it?

I am guilty of this several times over. I would set a goal and promise myself that I would be lean and mean in time for my birthday...for summer...for our anniversary...for Christmas...for New Year. All these have come and gone but my abs remained flabs.

I was never really fat but I was a little sluggish. I wanted to get fit so that I would have more energy.

But everyday, I would manage to come up with little excuses not to exercise.

My body's alright, I don't need to get fit.
I get bored in the gym.
I don't have money for the gym.
I don't have time.

When I was pregnant, one of the perks I enjoyed was not having to mind about my belly sticking out. That's a baby not flab. I actually felt sexier when I was pregnant.

But now that I'm into my second post partum month, some people still mistake me for a pregnant woman. There's nothing more annoying than somebody asking, "How many months?" when you've just given birth. It makes me want to put a sign on my belly saying "Just got a baby."

Even my hubby who loves me dearly asked me, "Are you exercising yet?" Of course, we both know the answer to that.

Inside my head, Ms. Excuses said, "But you're tired. You're busy with the baby. Why bother to exercise?"

I was tempted to agree.

But when I looked in the mirror, I knew I had to kill Ms. Excuses and start doing something.

And I'm doing it not for other people, not for my hubby, but for me.

I'm doing it not to be sexy but to be healthy.

So now I finally did it.

I started doing Pilates again this morning.

And though I haven't gotten the abs in 30 minutes, I feel great.

5 Ways to start exercising

So how do you quash those excuses swimming in your head and motivate yourself to get moving?

1. Be honest to yourself. Admit that you need to get fit and healthy. Remember that the quality of your life also depends on the state of your health. Before you can start taking good care of other people, you have to take better care of yourself.

2. Make it an "excitecise." Choose an exercise that's fun for you. Whether it's exercising in the gym, taking up boxing, playing badminton or learning taekwondo. Choose one that excites you so that you'll be motivated to do it everyday. When you get bored or if you feel you're no longer challenged, choose another.

3. Explore your options. If you don't have the money to shell out for membership fees, there are a lot of other ways to get fit without breaking the bank. Since I can't afford going to a Pilates class on a monthly basis, I bought a Pilates exercise CD and do it at home. Go to any record store and you'll find that they have a decent number of exercise videos on sale, you just have to take your pick. But If doing it at home makes you feel lazy, then go outdoors and go speed-walking, biking or jogging.

4. Make time for exercise. I find that doing it in the morning works wonders for me the whole day. Here's a useful tip to help motivate you: Get something that will remind you to exercise like your rubber shoes or any other exercise gear, and place it strategically so that it will be the first thing you see in the morning. In that way, exercise will be one of the first things on your mind when you wake up. But if you absolutely can't do it in the morning, then do it whenever you're free. Start with 15 or 30 minutes of exercise. Time flies pretty fast once you start moving, you'll be done before you know it.

5. Just do it. Do yourself a favor and just start.

Finally, the most important thing is, get fit for the right reasons. Don't do it for other people because you'll only set yourself up for failure and disappointment. Don't do it because you want to be sexy like (insert celebrity's name here). Your body is unique so it will never be like somebody else's.

Define your own sexy and be proud of your healthy body.

Hello Trinoma!

2007-05-20T18:21:00.001+08:00

"Gusto mong pumunta ng Trinoma?" A asked me.

"Ano yun?"

"it's the mall across SM North. Maganda raw dun."

I haven't frequented the north area lately so I imagined Trinoma was some mini-mall with your usual fare of boutiques and restaurants. I wondered how the owner could have possibly thought it would stand a chance against the SM North.

"Parang Greenbelt daw yun." A added.

A Greenbelt in the north? Now that I have to see. Apparently, A forgot to mention the keyword in the mall's name that says it all: Ayala. So it's not just Trinoma, it's the Ayala Trinoma.

If you haven't been reading the papers lately (like me), these articles from the Manila Standard and Inquirer may be helpful.

And if you're also wondering where they got the name from, Trinoma means "Triangle North of Manila." So would that make SM a Recnoma as in "Rectangle North of Manila?" (Ang corny ko.)

Anyway, since A and I are ~~rich~~ lazy commuters, we got there via cab, roughly 60 to 70 bucks if you're coming from Kamuning Road. But you can actually get to Trinoma faster and for a fraction of that amount if you take the MRT.

Trinoma wins plus points for accessibility because it has an entrance directly connected to the MRT North Station. (It's not yet open though but I suppose it will be opened pretty soon.) I'm thinking it will definitely be one of the reasons why people will be drawn to Trinoma, especially for those people who hate the hassle of commuting and walking along polluted roads.

I, for one, always find it a hassle to go to SM North, Megamall or Robinson's because I don't like having to walk along EDSA just to get there. With all the smoke and fumes you'll inhale while walking, you might as well die of pollution before you enter the mall. SM Makati could be the next best option but it's too far for a QC girl like me. So when Gateway opened, it easily became a favorite hang out. But now, I'm guessing Trinoma will give Gateway a run for it's money as well.

When we got inside Trinoma, we could readily tell it was constructed just like Glorietta. You won't feel the classy ambience yet since many parts of the mall are sill under construction. The floors are still a bit dirty, there are plywood markers for the boutiques and you'll encounter the occasional fly malling with you. But when you go around, you could almost imagine how sleek it would look like when construction's all done.

Just like Gateway, Trinoma gives you the feeling that you've entered another albeit classy world. Considering it's location, Trinoma is like an oasis in the north desert.

A number of stores were already open: boutiques like Genevieve Gozum, YRYS, Oxygen, Apple and Eve, Karimadon, Bench, and Mango are among those I remember. Of course, the ever reliable fastfoods are ready to serve you: Jollibee, McDonalds (directly across each other) and Chowking. I also remember seeing National Bookstore and Powerbooks already open. Plus,Timezone at the topmost floor.

Trinoma's advantage over Gateway, SM and SM's The Block is it's wide array of high end as well as middle class boutiques that can surely capture the A - C crowd. From the signboards, I could tell Trinoma will also house a slew of new restaurants (read: not fast food) that can make it a center of gastronomic feasts.

The Ayalas also made a smart move by getting Landmark Department Store as one of its tenants. Landmark has some really great quality brands that can be had at the cheapest price. I remember my family would always troop to Makati on weekends even if we lived in Manila just to go to Landmark. My mom says most of her best buys were from Landmark's Department Store.It has a great supermarket too.

But what I love best about Trinoma is the viewdeck and the outdoor park that's very reminiscent of Greenbelt.

Perfect for hanging out when you don't have money or you're not in the mood for malling. I saw signs for 7 water features but only a few are operational.

If only our feet weren't killing us, we would have wanted to explore Trinoma's every nook and cranny. A and I can't stop raving about how Trinoma would be our best hang out yet.

Can't wait for it to be completed. i won't be surprised if we'll be malling almost every day.

Goodbye SM and Gateway.

Hello Trinoma!

Fight!

2007-05-19T21:28:00.000+08:00

It started with a simple request that ended with a sarcastic remark and a slamming door. Minutes later, he makes four attempts to call but she left them unanswered. Finally, he sends a message, "Sorry, I got mad. I love you so much." Soon, he returns. They hug, kiss and make up. And just like that, it was all over.

Can having a fight really be that simple?

When couples fight, it's so easy to let a little misunderstanding to snowball into gigantic proportions. They get carried away with the wave of anger and intense emotion.

In the heat of the moment, hurtful words are thrown, grudges resurface, maybe even curses are exchanged.

Before they know it, they've hurt each other so deeply that it becomes hard to remember if they ever loved each other. The relationship hits the rocks, the damage almost irrepairable.

For those in steady relationships, it may be hard to call it quits and just break up. But between a husband and wife, it's even harder especially when you've got kids.

So how do you keep from being doomed to a relationship or marriage of misery?

Having been together for five years, Kernan and I have had our share of fights. But none of them ever escalated into a verbal abuse match because of three important things we've learned through the years:

Respect. It wasn't easy at first, but we've learned to respect each other's differences and how we each deal with conflict: one needs space while the other needs silence. We've accepted the fact that there will be times when we'll have differing points of view and that's ok.

Humility. We've learned long ago that matching each other word for word only leads to more misunderstanding. When one of us is high on anger, the other remains low. Pride can certainly make it tempting to shout back, that's for sure. But you'll find that when you stop and listen, you'll understand where the other is coming from. Humility also means admitting you're wrong and saying "I'm sorry."

Love. And with love comes unconditional forgiveness. No counting of offenses or relegating sins into the back burner, ready to be brought up during another argument. Forgiveness means closing the door behind you and looking forward to start anew.

I've always believed that it doesn't matter who was wrong or who was right. Love doesn't keep a tally board of wins and losses.

What matters is emerging from the fight, not bruised or battered, but better and stronger.

2007-05-14T18:32:00.000+08:00

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Confessions of a not-so-good cook

2007-05-14T15:09:00.000+08:00

I have a confession to make: I am not a good cook.

I can't say I'm bad, but I know I'm not that good at it.

I can cook rice (using a rice cooker), I can do your basic sauteing and frying. But when it comes to the real dishes, I'm lost.

Kernan knew my lack of culinary abilities long before we married, and he was fine with it. After all, whatever I lacked in cooking, I more than made up for in dishwashing. So when we started living together, he automatically became the cook, I the dishwasher. A perfect fit really.

But as his wife, somehow it doesn't feel right that I don't know how to cook. I decided it's time to learn how.

Kernan had these fancy cookbooks at home but they seemed too complicated for a beginner like me.

Yesterday, I surfed the net for recipes I could try. I had three requirements: it had to be simple, quick and easy.

I remember how my mom used to watch Del Monte Kitchenomics on TV so I googled their recipes. Good thing they now have a great website with recipes that matched my three requirements. Plus, all the ingredients were locally available and easy to procure.

And for my first ~~experiment~~ trial, I chose the recipe for Corny Beef.

The verdict: perfect.... just kidding! I'd have to be gifted if I got it perfectly the first time.

Being the sweetheart that he is, Kernan finished his plate clean. He said it was a bit too sweet for his taste but it was alright.

I'd say not bad for a first try. Lesson learned: lay off the sugar.

Anyway, I found other great sites for recipes from Nestle, Purefoods and Century Tuna. Can't wait to try all the other dishes.

Maybe when I become good at cooking, I can make recipes of my own too. Til then, it's these two - step recipes for me.

Care to share your easy and tasty recipes?

Easing back into couplehood

2007-05-13T22:59:00.000+08:00

After Jamaine was born, it was inevitable that Kernan and I spent less time together. Naturally, our days revolved around our baby. And I, for one, felt guilty leaving Jamaine behind while we enjoyed ourselves.

So aside from the occasional trips to the grocery, Kernan and I put our regular movie and dinner dates on hold.

I got wrapped up in taking care of the baby while Kernan got busy with work. This worked out quite well in the beginning, but my wife’s instinct told me we were approaching a potential danger zone: drifting apart.

I felt we needed to take a time out and make an effort to be together.

So when he asked me out on a date last Thursday (yes, we still ask each other out on dates), I said yes. After all, it was our monthsary and we wanted to celebrate the 4 years and 11 months we've been together.

After doing the groceries, we trooped to our favorite pizza place for a pasta and pizza feast. Kernan wanted to watch a movie after but I was missing Jamaine already so we decided to go home.

The next day we went on date number 2.

Since I wasn't ready to be too far from home, Kernan and I agreed to go to Gateway. In case of any emergency, we can just dash back to the house in 15 minutes or less. I know, sometimes I can't help but be a worry wart.

We had dinner at Pancake House where we saw this couple having dinner with their cute toddler. i thought in a few months time, we can bring Jamaine to all our fave eating spots too.

After dinner, we watched Spiderman 3 while sharing a chocolate shake and a bucket of popcorn, just like a typical movie date. I found some parts of the movie a bit dragging though. Then again, maybe I was still just a bit worried about being away from Jamaine that I couldn't wait for the movie to be over.

But worries aside, our movie date was great. We held hands and stole a few kisses. I snuggled close to him when I felt too cold and buried my head in his neck when the scenes got too violent for my taste. It was just like the old times.

When we arrived home, Jamaine was awake so we had time to play with her before going to bed.

I guess easing back into couplehood after having a baby can be quite a challenge. But I realized that if you want your marriage to prosper, you have to learn how to be a couple again.

Make time for each other. No doubt the baby will occupy most of your time, among other things. But as much as you nurture your baby, you need to nurture your relationship with your hubby as well.

Ban the guilt. I know this can be quite difficult. But taking time out from caring for your baby doesn't make you bad or neglectful parents.

Loosen up and have fun. It's so easy to ruin a night out by worrying too much. (I know I kinda failed in this area.) But you owe it to yourself and to your baby to have fun every once in awhile. Because when you come home upbeat, you'll communicate those good feelings to your baby too.

Of course, taking care of your baby should always be a top priority. But as with all things, the only way you can ever be good at taking care of another person is when you know how to take care of yourself.

Sleeping like a baby

2007-05-08T22:34:00.000+08:00

That is actually an idiom for a sound and peaceful sleep.

But when you’ve got a baby in the house, you’ll know that their sleep is not always sound and peaceful.

During Jamaine’s first few days at home, I’d let her sleep in her crib thinking that she’ll benefit from having her own sleeping space.

But I learned soon enough that her crib wasn’t cozy for her. She would often stir in her sleep and she would wake up almost every hour.

One night, following my mom’s advice (reinforced by Sexy Mom’s comment), I let her sleep next to Kernan and me on the bed. For the first time in days, she slept so soundly she almost missed her night time feeding.

Her sleeping space on the bed was only a quarter of her spacious crib but she seemed comfortably cramped. I figured she felt more secure “knowing” we were right next to her.

This wasn’t a problem then because she always slept in one position. But lately, she has been prone to being crushed by mommy.

I guess that means it’s time for us to get a bigger bed.

Sleeping rituals

When I was a kid, I always slept next to my mom because I would get scared when the lights were turned off. I imagined some monster would come out of the dark and get me.

One night, she surrounded my bed with all my dolls and stuffed toys saying they would guard me through the night as I slept. I only lasted a few minutes and ended up creeping next to my mom again.

When I grew older, I had to resort to other ways to help me sleep soundly. Two of my sleeping musts are my dantayan ( a pillow for hugging) and a blanket big enough to cover me from neck to feet. I can sleep on a cushy sofa, on a squeaky papag even on a hard floor as long as I have these two with me.

My mom used to say that we should always pray before we sleep so that we won’t have bad dreams.

For quite some time, I religiously prayed “Angel of God, my guardian dear…” I even prayed the rosary (though I always fell asleep somewhere in the third mystery). But I eventually outgrew saying bedtime prayers. I realized I simply just rambled off these memorized verses without really feeling them.

But through the years, I’ve learned other nightly rituals all of which helped me to sleep soundly.

One great ritual I always try to exercise is ridding my mind of all worries, problems and negative thoughts.

For me, one of the most effective ways to do this is to write in my journal. Sometimes when the thoughts are really bad, I rip out the page, tear it to pieces and throw it away.

Then I try to think of all the little and big things I am thankful for that day. It helps to remind me that whether it’s been a good day or a bad day, every day is a blessing.

Lastly, I make sure I give the “kiss-hug-I love you” combo to my hubby and my baby. I think it’s good to always let your last action for the day be an act of love.

What’s your sleeping ritual?

Moving on with love, friends and ice cream

2007-05-06T17:31:00.000+08:00

I thought the blues would go away with just one blog entry but it took a little bit longer than I thought.

I tried blogging again but I couldn't write anything. Thoughts bombarded my head but I couldn't put them into words.

I guess I was wrong in isolating myself to deal with my sadness. Whether we admit it or not, most of the time we need other people to help us get back on our feet.

That or you can always resort to taking anti-depressants.

Thankfully, I didn't go that far.

Kernan has been very understanding through my down times. Between the two of us, I am actually the more patient one. But he has shown me a great deal of patience for the past weeks, especially during the times when I am less than lovable.

He's also been working thrice as hard (literally he has three jobs), but he still takes time to take care of Jamaine and relieve me of my "mommy duties."

Truly he is my strength and his love has helped me to move on.

Jamaine has also been my constant sunshine.

She turned 1 month last May 1 and we celebrated with cake and spaghetti. She's becoming more responsive now and she never fails to amuse me. I always grab the chance to sing songs to her and tell her stories whenever she's awake. I can't wait when she grows older so we can sing and read stories together.

Sometimes, Kernan and I could spend hours just watching her sleep. If anything, Jamaine has really brought us closer together.

Another high point in my week was an email I got from new blog friend Ria.

It's amazing how people can reach out to you just when you need them. Ria's email reminded me that I do have a lot of reasons to feel blessed and to be grateful.

I always believe such people are angels sent by God.

Thanks for being an angel, Ria.

Food has also been a useful pick - me - upper.

I'm not really a moody eater but eating certain foods have been comforting to me. Ice cream (chocolate and double dutch) is on top of the list. Aside from keeping me cool in this sweltering heat, it gives me my much needed daily dose of calcium. I've also grown a fascination with Yan-yan biscuits dipped in chocolate and Pasencia wheat drop cookies. (So if you want to send some love my way, you know what to buy from 7-11.)

So I'm moving on slowly but steadily. From now on (hopefully), I'll be writing more inspiring and happier entries.

Life is a heavensent blessing and it is too precious to spend wallowing in regret and self-pity.

I'm looking forward to happier days ahead!

Beating the baby blues

2007-04-29T22:39:00.000+08:00

I’ve been battling the baby blues for the past week.

It’s like a monster that creeps in at random times of the day that throws “what ifs” and depressing thoughts in my head.

And I cry like my whole world is crumbling down on me.

I’d been trying to keep a brave and happy façade but I’d be lying if I say I’m always happy.

That’s why I’ve deliberately shied away from other people because I don’t want to drag them down the hole I’m falling into. Besides, I don’t want them to know that I’m unhappy.

I’d be such an ungrateful wretch to be unhappy when I’ve got one of the most precious blessings in the world.

But I am was.

At times, I would be so self-centered.

I’d mourn the “loss” of my old body, knowing fully well it would never be the same again. I think about all the things I couldn’t do and all the places I couldn’t go to because I have to put Jamaine as my top priority. I’d be so helpless because I feel like my life has changed so much and I can’t bring it back.

Other times, my worries would revolve around Jamaine.

I worry if she’ll grow up healthy. I agonize over the thought that I might not be able to give her all the love and care that she needs. I even doubt if I can provide her all her material needs.

(Now that I think about it, these worries still revolve around me.)

Everyday for the past week is like some episode from a drama series with me doing an endless monologue interspersed with tears.

But I’ve finally decided that this will stop now.

I will pull myself together and I will start moving on.

I will no longer dwell on the “what ifs” and I will live in the now.

I will open my eyes and learn to appreciate the countless blessings God has given me.

I will close this drama series and open a new episode in my life.

And this time, it stars my wonderful and beautiful baby, my loving and hardworking husband and a more grateful me.

Because in reality, I’ve got all that it takes to have a happy life.

To go back to work or not to go back to work

2007-04-21T18:43:00.000+08:00

That is my dilemma right now.

My 3-week leave is about to end and I’m supposed to go back to work on Monday.

At the beginning of my pregnancy, going back to work was never a question. It was a given. I never imagined myself as a stay-at-home mom, let alone be one. The plan was we’d hire a full-time sitter to take care of Jamaine when my leave is over.

But now that Jamaine is here, I find that the decision to leave my daughter to the care of another person is harder to make than I thought.

Just thinking about it now gets me emotional. I don’t even want to imagine what it would be like on my first day back at work.

I’m considering quitting work to take care of my daughter full-time just like my mom.

My mom was working at the time my brother and I were born. Before, she’d tell me stories about how my titas would hide me in the bedroom every morning so that I wouldn’t see her leave for work. That plan always backfired though because I always found out and ended up crying. Other times, she said, I’d desperately hold on to her clothes trying to stop her from leaving.

We stayed at my grandma’s house but we were left to the care of a babysitter. One day, my mom found out that the reason I cried so much when she was leaving was my sitter would hurt me and pinch me. That sitter was fired right away.

Another time, my other sitter neglected me which almost hurt me fatally. My mom and dad got home and found me chewing on something. When they opened my mouth, they found a couple of nails which I somehow got from the area of the house that was being renovated. By some miracle, I didn’t swallow the nails nor did I hurt my mouth. Needless to say that sitter was fired too.

When we started going to school, my mom stopped working to take care of my brother and me. I’d have to say my happy childhood was due largely to the fact that my mom was always there for us. It was great to have her bringing us and picking us up from school. She would play with us, teach us our lessons and cook us delicious merienda. It was so comforting to know that we could run to her anytime, all the time.

When we were in gradeschool, we hit the hard times. My dad got laid off from work and since my mom had no job, we had nothing to fall back on. My youngest brother was born during this time so we really hit rock bottom. It was a good thing some relatives helped us to get by.

I was young then but no longer oblivious to the pangs of poverty. I thought, would we have been better off if my mom was working too?

Nevertheless, I was proud of my parents because they were able to get us through the toughest of times. And though we never got filthy rich, we eventually fared well enough to have the basics and, more importantly, to send us all three siblings to school.

It was then I decided that when I grow up, I’d get a high-paying job and make lots of money so that when I have my own kids and family, they would never have to go through what we did.

Now I feel fortunate because even if my job is not a hundred percent stable, it pays fairly well enough for me to continue to support my family and, so far, to contribute in our household expenses and in providing for Jamaine.

But now that Jamaine is here, I feel a certain sense of guilt knowing that I would leave her for most of the day to be in the office.

I’ve told Kernan about my apprehension to go back to work. He said he fully supports me should I decide to stay home and take care of Jamaine and that he’ll work thrice as hard to sustain our family. (Indeed I have the greatest husband in the world.)

But I feel it’s not right for me to leave all our financial needs to him.

I know it would be impractical for me to quit work at this time. With the rising cost of almost everything, we need the double income to live comfortably.

More importantly, I want to be able to provide everything and anything my daughter needs. No one knows when the hard times might hit, and if ever it does, I don’t want my daughter to suffer even the slightest bit

On the other hand, I feel so torn because no matter how I try to arrange the perfect schedule to accommodate work time and family time, I know that the time I miss spending with Jamaine will never be replaced.

Will the money I earn be worth missing her first laugh, her first step or her first word?

Can I stand the fact that I may not always be there when Jamaine needs me?

Financial security versus quantity and quality time with my baby, is there a way to have both?

A year ago, all decisions I made affected only me. Now every decision I make will affect my family. I just hope and pray to God, I make the right one.

I feel like my life is changing so fast, I can barely keep up.

Pardon the emotion. These must be the postpartum hormones talking.

I cried at the pediatrician’s clinic

2007-04-19T18:59:00.000+08:00

It may sound weird but I never thought a baby’s immunization can be so traumatizing. At least for me.

Jamaine had her first check-up last Monday.

The pediatrician’s secretary texted me to confirm if we were coming since Jamaine was scheduled for a check-up and a BCG.

I knew about the check-up but I didn’t know she was supposed to be given BCG too. A wave of fear washed over me as I imagined the needle being injected on my baby’s delicate skin.

She would cry for sure.

And I dreaded seeing her cry.

Since we got home, Jamaine has never been a crybaby. She only lets out a little whimper when she’s hungry or uncomfortable. I think she cried once and only for a few seconds when I wasn’t able to give her milk right away because I was too sleepy. But she never howls or wails inconsolably. A lot have been commenting that she’s such a good-tempered baby (like her mommy).

And so I psyched myself for what was to happen. I thought that perhaps if I talk to her while the pedia gives her the shot, she would be so distracted, she’ll just feel a little pinch.

Don’t they always say it just feels like an ant’s bite? But what if, for Jamaine, it’s more like a GIANT ant’s bite?

I shared my apprehension with Kernie but he wasn’t one to give me false hopes, “Iiyak talaga siya. Ganun talaga.”

As we went inside the clinic, I tried to act brave. I read that babies can sense their parent’s feelings. So I thought that if I acted brave, maybe Jamaine would feel brave too.

The pediatrician placed Jamaine on the weighing scale and took her measurements. She happily reported that Jamaine had gained a pound and grown a centimeter. Good stats after just two weeks.

But I didn't feel like celebrating just yet.

I told her I was nervous that the BCG might hurt Jamaine and make her sick. She said it will certainly hurt but it won’t give her a fever. If it was any consolation, she added that the shot would be administered on Jamaine’s butt cheek and not on her arm so that if a scar develops, it won’t be so visible.

The pedia placed Jamaine face down on the bed while Kernan supported Jamaine’s head with one hand and held the milk bottle in the other.

She sucked her milk contentedly unaware of what was about to happen.

I walked away from the bed feeling like I was betraying my daughter.

And then it happened.

Jamaine wailed in pain.

It was such a heartbreaking cry that I rushed back to the bed with tears rolling down my cheeks.

I looked at Kernan who was teary eyed too.

I stroked her head and tried to console her.

“It’s alright Jamaine, mommy’s here. I love you.”

But she wouldn’t stop crying.

It only took less than a minute for the pedia to patch up the injection site but it felt like forever.

I picked up Jamaine and cradled her in my arms saying “I love you” over and over.

And then she stopped crying.

She started sucking her bottle peacefully as if nothing had happened.

The pedia said we’re scheduled for another check-up and a Hepa shot next week. You can bet I won’t be counting the days til then.

I know that the momentary pain and a couple of tears are a small price to pay to be spared from the vicious diseases these shots are fighting against.

But I’m just wondering, isn’t there a more “humane” way of administering these shots?

It might seem odd to feel like this, but for me, It’s so traumatizing. I still can’t forget how hard Jamaine cried at that moment.

If I could take the shots for Jamaine, I would.

If I could take all the pain she would ever experience in her life, I won’t think twice.

But I guess you can only do so much to protect your kids.

All you can really do is love them unconditionally and hope that it would be enough to make all their pain fade away.

This is called unconditional love

2007-04-18T13:04:00.000+08:00

She has puked, peed and pooped at me more times than I can count.

She has transformed me into a milk-producing-diaper-changing-lullabye-singing slave.

She has robbed me of sleep giving me eye bags that seem to sag to the floor.

But I still love her.

More than words can say.

I love her more everday.

How can I not love her?

She makes me laugh even without trying.

She reminds me that the best things in life are free.

And even without words, she makes me feel that she loves me.

The first day at home

2007-04-13T21:08:00.000+08:00

Someone once said that when a woman finally becomes a mother, she would come to appreciate her own mother more.

I never grasped its full meaning until my first day at home with Jamaine.

When I woke up that morning, I knew a tremendous challenge lay ahead of me: I had to take care of my baby while I took care of myself.

Before Jamaine was born, I always told my mom that I could take care of my baby and I did not want to burden her or anybody else for that matter. I was confident that Kernie and I can handle everything down pat.

But as the reality of the situation sunk in, it dawned on me that we couldn’t. I was still in so much pain so moving around wasn’t easy.

More than that, I suddenly felt clueless on how to take care of Jamaine.

She seemed so tiny and fragile, I was afraid I would break her or hurt her should I make one wrong move.

My mom helped me get through my mommy jitters. I tried to remember everything as she taught me how to feed Jamaine, wash her bottom, change her nappies and give her a sponge bath.

It was like being in “Mommy Preschool.” And I was determined to make the grade.

I watched my precious baby intently. I patrolled her crib like a girl scout armed with nappies and a breast full of milk ready to respond for any cry of discomfort or hunger.

But I learned this kind of vigilance can sometimes send one on a panic attack.

Jamaine seemed peacefully asleep when she suddenly jolted and let out a little cry, squirmed, stretched and flailed her arms and legs. I tried feeding her but she wasn’t hungry. I checked her nappy but it was all dry. I carried her and tried to rock her back to sleep but she won’t stop squirming.

I was ready to cry in frustration if not for a loud tooting sound minutes later. I felt a warm gush in her nappy that put all my fears to rest. As it turned out, she was just trying to poo.

Lesson learned: not all cries are a cause for alarm.

As I was getting a crash course on mommyhood, Kernie was equally determined to be the perfect house husband. He went to the market and cooked “real food” (our term for home-cooked meals) for lunch and dinner.

He played with Jamaine and couldn’t get enough of her. It was fun seeing this other side of him as a doting father.

The real challenge came at night time. I was careful not to get into a deep sleep in case I might not wake up when she cries.

I expected I might have to wake up every now and then to feed her or change her nappies. What I didn’t expect was that I would have to be awake almost the entire night.

My cute little Jamaine suddenly transformed into a feeding-peeing-pooping machine.

She was hungry every two hours and peed and pooped right after. It was like a never-ending cycle of feeding, cleaning and changing nappies.

And just when I was about to enter Lala land, she awakened and stretched her arms and legs as if to welcome a bright sunshiny morning.

But it was only 3 am.

My eyes were drooping fast but I tried to rock her and sing to her every song I ever memorized. I looped my lullaby playlist 4 times over but no amount of singing could make her go back to sleep.

I could say I’m a veteran at all-nighters but this one almost knocked me down.

She finally fell asleep at 8 am. I hurriedly tried to get some shut-eye knowing she’ll probably wake up for a feeding two hours later.

It was just our first day.

I know I’ll have to gear up really hard for more sleepless nights for the next five years.

Or more.

I'll just have to take it one day at a time.

Heavensent Blessing Part 2: The first meeting

2007-04-10T15:11:00.000+08:00

My second day at the hospital was doubly painful.

One, whatever numbing effect the anesthesia had on me from the previous day had completely worn off. I was feeling the full force of postpartum pain and exhaustion.

Two, Jamaine’s pediatrician told me that she would be held under observation for 48 hours to see if she was infected by my UTI. If she was, then we’d have to leave her behind.

So far, all I’ve seen of Jamaine were the pictures Kernie took of her from the nursery. He said she was always asleep with her head turned to one side.

If ever I wanted to see her then I’ll have to go to her myself. I mustered enough energy to get up from the bed so I could be wheeled up to the nursery. I felt like I was in slow motion since every little movement meant pain.

But seeing my baby for the first time made every ounce of pain worth it.

She looked so serene

I wished I could pull the hours ‘til that moment when we’ll be going home.

That night, I was sleepless with anxiety and anticipation.

I feel as though the reality of motherhood had not yet sunk in.

I was excited yet scared to hold her because I knew when that moment arrives, I’d really start being a mother.

***

The next day brought good news.

Jamaine’s test results were in and it indicated no infection.

We could go home by the afternoon.

I went back up to the nursery to pay her another visit.

She was still asleep but I think I saw a faint smile on her lips. Maybe she knew we would be together soon.

For a brief moment, she opened her eyes as if to say “Mommy, I’m so excited to go home!”

In the afternoon, Jamaine was finally brought to my room. Seeing her up close for the first time was a priceless moment.

What made it even more special was Jamaine had her first visitor: Ninang A!

I was filled with so much love for her.

When she looked into my eyes, I knew my life has changed forever.

Up next: The first day at home

Heavensent Blessing Part 1: Welcome Liana Jamaine!

2007-04-07T22:39:00.000+08:00

A sharp pain in my belly jolted me awake. I looked at the clock: it was 3:52 am.

Could this be real labor pains? I thought.

I didn’t want to ring another false alarm.

It was, after all, April Fool’s Day.

I decided to wait it out. I got up from the bed and started walking around the room.

The pain persisted.

I took out my notebook and pen and started timing the contractions.

3:52... 3:55…. 3:57…. 3:59…. 4:02…. 4:06…. 4:10….

Each wave of pain came at less than 10 minute intervals.

At 5 am, I woke up Kernie, “Mahal, sunud-sunod na yung contractions ko…”

“Punta na tayong hospital?”

He quickly got up and loaded our bags into the car. But I was still hesitant to go. Should I wait til my water bag breaks? I didn’t want to go to the hospital and spend another whole day waiting.

At quarter to 6 am, I called my OB. I thought I’ll let her decide this one for me.
The moment she answered the phone, she said, “Game na? Diretso ka na sa labor room.”

I was admitted to the labor room at exactly 6 am. The doctors recognized me from my previous confinement, “Ayan, manganganak ka na.”

After months of waiting, I couldn’t believe this moment had finally arrived.

I was in a painful daze as the nurses prepared me for delivery. They gave me shots of some pain relieving drug but I was far from relieved.

For the next four hours, I was groaning in excruciating pain. For some reason, my body had a high tolerance for the pain relievers and it didn’t have any effect on me. My OB said they had already given me the maximum dosage allowable and they couldn’t give me anymore.

I tried with much effort to remember the relaxation and deep breathing exercises I learned from meditation and yoga. I endured each stab of pain thinking that every minute is drawing me closer to that moment when I can finally give birth.

Close to 11 am, my water bag finally burst. Everything happened so fast after that.

Within moments, I was transferred to another bed and wheeled into the delivery room.

I was fully aware as the nurses scrunched my body into a fetal like position and anesthesia was injected into my lower spine. I felt a wave of relief after that and prepared myself for another long pushing session.

Surprisingly though, immediately after my legs were strapped to the stirrups, I felt my baby slide out of me.

I heard a faint cry and I saw my baby coated in all that gooey fluid as my OB handed her over to the nurse.

It was 11:06 am.

I wanted to tell the nurse to bring my baby next to me but before I knew it, she was already transferred to another room.

For the next hour, I waited impatiently as I was being stitched up. I was surprised that it took much longer than the actual delivery. After the procedure, my OB walked over to my side and congratulated me for a job well done.

It was finally over.

We made it.

Thank God.

The nurses wheeled me to the recovery room where I finally gave in to exhaustion.

When I woke up, I was a bit alarmed to find that I couldn’t feel my legs. I tried to move them but only managed to wiggle my right foot.

Perhaps, sensing my fear, the nurse assured me that sensation in my legs would return in four hours then I would be transferred to my room. I asked her if I could see my baby by then and she said I’d have to wait ‘til the next day. Disappointed, I tried going back to sleep hoping that when I woke up, I would see my baby by my side.

At 4 pm, I was finally transferred to my room. There I found my Kernie, my parents and Kernie’s sisters waiting for me. It was comforting to see familiar faces at last.

Though I was still a bit groggy, I managed to recount much of what I remembered about my delivery experience. I was proud to say I did a pretty good job.

And since I was given clearance to take in solid food, Kernie asked me what I wanted to eat. Funny I was craving for chocolate twin popsies. My hubby couldn’t find one though so he bought a drumstick instead which was just as good for me.

Hours later, A arrived with a box of donuts while Ate Mahleen bought some cupcakes from Sonja’s. My sweet tooth was certainly having a field day.

Never mind if my belly still made me look like 5 months pregnant. After the feat I accomplished, I felt like these treats were my sweet reward.

Carli arrived shortly after A. I was really touched and thankful that they exerted effort to visit me on one of the most momentous days of my life.

I was still weak and bleeding but having my hubby, my family and my friends around me made me feel stronger.

Night came but sleep eluded me. I looked back at everything that happened the whole day.

It all seemed so surreal.

I knew one part of my life has ended and a new chapter has just begun.

The waiting is finally over

2007-03-31T21:04:00.000+08:00

After nine months, the long wait has finally come to an end.

I’d like to say, “Welcome Liana Jamaine!”

But it would still be a bit too early for that. Apparently, my beautiful daughter still doesn’t want to let go. At least not today.

But I will.

I’ve decided to quit being impatient and just let go.

The more I waited and counted the hours and the days passing by, the more I got frustrated, even a bit depressed, that Jamaine has not arrived yet.

So I’m just going to take it one moment at a time and just enjoy the experience of still having her inside me and of having alone time with my hubby.

And when Jamaine does come, the feeling will not be of relief because my burden has ended. I will feel so grateful for such a sweet and wonderful blessing.

In the same way that not waiting for this has made it such a great surprise when it finally arrived.

Thanks to Joey Alarilla and the team behind Inquirer Blog Addicts. Really cheered me up after yesterday's disappointment.

Moments with Kernie

The other day, when we got back from the hospital, Kernie suddenly sang "Ikaw ang Miss Universe ng buhay ko...ilang beses ko ba naman sasabihin sayo..."

We slow danced right there in the middle of the kitchen to those two lines that he kept singing over and over.

This morning, while watching the prom scene from Smallville Season 4, Kernie and I slow danced in the middle of the bedroom along with Lana and Clark as Lifehouse crooned...

"Cause it's you and me,
and all other people with nothing to do,
nothing to prove.
And it's you and me,
and all other people.
And I don't know why,
I can't keep my eyes off of you..."

The song has been our LSS the whole day.

I'd say one of the secrets to a happy marriage that I learned so far: slowdance whenever, wherever you feel like it. May look silly and corny, but it keeps you crazy in love with each other.

It was supposed to be just an ordinary Wednesday

2007-03-30T21:59:00.000+08:00

I got home from work, ate a light snack and settled down to write a blog entry.

Suddenly, a sharp pain shot from my back and surrounded my lower belly.

Am I in labor? I thought.

I quickly flipped through my pregnancy book stopping at the page I’ve read and reread over twenty times.

Signs of labor.

It listed back ache as one of them. But all the other symptoms were absent.

Could it be false alarm?

I grabbed my cellphone and scrolled to my OB’s number thinking whether I should call or not. I thought about it as I walked around the bedroom but the pain did not ease up.

I remembered I had a bout of diarrhea the day before, could it have triggered these pains?

It would seem stupid to go rushing to the hospital and ringing an alarm just for stomach pain.

Still, I thought better be ~~stupid~~ ~~silly~~ safe than sorry, besides I don’t know the answer to my own questions anyway. So I called my OB and explained to her what I was feeling. She said it couldn’t be labor yet but I should go to the hospital just to be sure that the baby’s doing okay.

I called Kernie who quickly dashed to the house to pick me up.

Within minutes, we were at the hospital walking toward the labor room. Husbands were not allowed inside so I had to go through it on my own.

Part of me was excited thinking that this could finally be the moment we’ve been waiting for so long. But I was also scared because I doubt if I’m really ready for what’s about to happen.

The doctors at the labor room attended to me right away. They checked my temp and my blood pressure. As it turned out, I had a slight fever.

Then they hooked me to a monitor to check my contractions and the heart rate of my baby. While waiting for the readings to come out, one of the doctors asked me about my medical history.

The questions were pretty simple but I found that answering some of them were quite uncomfortable. I mean it’s not easy to tell a complete stranger when was the first time you had sex and how many times you do it every week, right?

Anyway, the readings indicated that my baby’s healthy but I was having regular contractions. That plus the slight fever plus my previous diarrhea made my OB decide that I should be admitted for the night. My latest urinalysis also said my pesky UTI is still at it so I had to be treated for that too.

And that’s how I ended up in a hospital room on a Wednesday midnight hooked to an IV.

It wasn’t so bad actually except for the stinging pain of the needle stuck to my arm.

Plus, I wasn’t allowed to eat anything until further notice which made me regret not eating the Jollibee spaghetti and mushroom cheeseburger I intended to take out for dinner.

My mom and dad arrived about an hour later to check on me while Kernan wrapped up some things at work and picked up extra pillows and blankets from the house. He was back in the hospital in less than an hour: one of the advantages of having a home and an office just 10 minutes away from the hospital.

It was around 3 am when we finally got settled in the hospital room but I was feeling far from sleepy. Could this really be it?

Sunshine was already streaking in through the hospital window when I finally fell asleep. But I barely clocked in 2 hours of shut eye when nurses came into the room to bring me back to the labor room. I was to undergo another round of monitoring to see if I made any progress.

The results would determine if I will stay in the hospital or if I just have to head on home.

Anxiety gripped me again but having my Kernie with me through the waiting time helped me to deal with it a lot easier. He really is my daily dose of love and happiness.

I may be at my puffiest and reddest but he still thinks I'm the sexiest and prettiest pregnant woman in the world.

When the results came in, the readings hardly indicated a contraction. There were still no signs of active labor.

My OB arrived a few hours later and concluded that I was just in early labor. I may not yet give birth in a couple of days. I requested to be discharged so I could just wait it out at home.

Strangely, as we were getting ready to leave, I felt a bit disappointed albeit relieved.

So near yet so far away.

An update

I had another check up after lunch today. And according to my internal exam, I’ve made very little progress.

I’m a bit disappointed because somehow I feel it’s my fault and I’ve failed at something.

My OB mentioned the possibility of an induced labor by this weekend if I still don’t show any signs of active labor soon. My latest ultrasound revealed Jamaine’s little home is getting matured so she has to come out or else she might be overdue.

In the meantime, she gave me two pieces of advice to help hasten the labor process.
One was to go to the mall and do a little walk-a-thon. So my mom and I went to Megamall to do just that. It must have worked a little because I felt a little pain starting to creep under my belly.

As for the second piece of advice, well let’s just say it’s something I know Kernie will definitely like.

Will it work?

We’ll just see tonight.

If all goes well, I might officially be a mommy by tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

The things you learn when you really listen

2007-03-27T20:54:00.000+08:00

Last Sunday, we celebrated Daddy Jun’s 60th birthday with a simple party at Los Baños, Laguna.

Jamaine must have heard her lolo’s birthday wish not to come out yet so we can make it to the party. We were expecting that Jamaine will show signs of her arrival by Sunday but she was snugly behaving inside my belly the whole time.

I guess after “Happy Birthday!”, “You’re giving birth soon!” was the most popular statement of the day. And we all know how much I wish that “soon” would be “now.”

I usually enjoy parties but I was feeling extremely exhausted so I spent most of the day sleeping in the resort’s bedroom. Actually, it was more of trying to sleep because the bed and pillows were hard as rocks. I guess the resort owner just constructed the rooms as an afterthought and didn’t think anyone would actually sleep in them.

The rest of the time, I fulfilled my duties as loving wife and mingled with the relatives. It wasn’t so bad if only my memory was sharp enough to remember all their names. I tried forming an image of my hubby’s family tree in my mind to remember who everybody was but all I could form was a stump.

It’s funny though how the party became a “bull session” of sorts. Because when Daddy’s brothers were asked to give birthday messages, some delivered litanies of self – praises and confessions of long-held grudges.

It reminded me of elementary and high school recollections when we would be asked to confess our hidden hurts and reconcile with each other. It just looked weird that old people would still be doing that.

You would think that when you learned the value of “burying the hatchet” and forgiveness in second grade, you’ll remember it forever. But I guess some lessons are harder to live by than others.

The good thing is the speeches paved the way for reconciliation among all of them. I hope that newfound peace lasts.

As one of them said, “Halaman lang ang dapat itanim, hindi ang galit.”

I wondered, when we grow old, would we be like this too? I certainly hope not.

I’d rather imagine a reunion 40 years from now listening to R&B music (which will probably be old by then), watching hundreds of slideshows of old photographs and reminiscing happy moments we’ve spent as a family.

But I know those “happy moments” need to be made now and gathered over the years. It’s something that we need to make time for amid our harried and busy lives.

I remember someone once said, invest your time and money not in buying material things but in making unforgettable experiences and happy memories. Because in the end, anything material may disintegrate and lose value. But experiences and memories will always be priceless.

Mommy Lilian hit it right on the spot when she mentioned that her only regret was prioritizing work and business over family gatherings and parties. Now that she has grown older, she realized that spending time with loved ones was more important than making lots of money. Thankfully, there is still time to make up for it now.

At some point, the speeches got so lengthy, even repetitive, I was inclined to think going back to the room and trying to sleep on the rock hard bed wasn’t so bad at all.

But Daddy Jun saved the day with a quick punch line that was probably the most important lesson ~~my Kernie should learn~~ I learned:

“Sa 33 taong pagsasama naming mag-asawa, mahalaga na maging miyembro ng RAM. Para matiwasay ang inyong pagsasama, pag sinabi ng inyong asawa na ‘Matulog ka na,’ huwag ka nang lumabas, sabihin mo na lang ‘Right Away Mam.’ Kaya sumali na kayo sa RAM.”

Yesterday morning, I joked Kernie that he should follow Daddy’s footsteps and join RAM. He claims that he has been a member of that organization a long time ago.

He has his own version though.

When I requested him to make breakfast (I repeat, requested), he immediately responded, “Right Away Mahal!”

Nesting instincts on a Saturday 2

2007-03-24T15:18:00.000+08:00

Only this time, it’s not me.

My Kernie suddenly had the urge to set up Jamaine’s crib this morning.

The moment he woke up, he started keeping some of our stuff in the cabinets and clearing out the bedroom to make space for it.

It was cute to see him so focused with setting up the hooks and bars, smoothing out the bassinet and attaching the crib accessories. He remembered and followed the salesman’s set-up demo to a T.

Of course, I did the easiest part and arranged the comforter and pillows in the bassinet.

Now the crib stands as the star of the bedroom.

I absolutely love it because It’s the perfect combination of cute and functional

I know you can’t tell from this picture but Jamaine must have sensed our excitement because she was moving around my belly the whole time we were setting up her crib.

We’re the happiest and most excited parents in the world!

“Pre-partum depression”

2007-03-23T22:07:00.000+08:00

I don’t know if there is such a thing. But I woke up this morning feeling so down and heavy.

No, it wasn’t the physically heavy kind brought about by my humongous belly.

It was a feeling that just took hold of me the moment I opened my eyes. Not even the funny faces my Kernie makes whenever he wakes up could make me smile. Even his hugs, kisses and “I love yous” couldn’t make me feel better.

All throughout the day, I just felt so grumpy and my patience was running thin. I was like a dragon who woke up on the wrong side of the bed and I had to muster so much energy not to throw fire on every person that came my way.

Kernie would ask me what was wrong or if he did anything to upset me. He was bothered because I wasn’t my usual perky self.

But I couldn’t say a word to explain it. I couldn’t pinpoint the reason myself.

But now I think I know.

I guess I am just disappointed that I still haven’t seen any signs of labor. Every now and then I would touch my belly hoping to feel something that would signal I’m ready for delivery. I would rehearse the moment in my mind when I would be wheeled into the labor room and, after one big push, see Jamaine finally come out with a loud cry.

I know it may not exactly happen like that but I guess I just want to get it over with so I can quit being anxious about it.

I’m usually optimistic about everything. No matter how bad things get, you can count on me to always look for the bright side.

But now, I feel like I’ve suddenly morphed into a pessimist.

I know I should not dwell on this. The last thing I want is to give birth to a sad and anxious baby. I want Jamaine to be a healthy and happy baby girl.

I know I should feel blessed.

I have a loving and understanding husband who takes care of me and works so hard everyday to ensure the future of our family.

I have two sets of families who support me and help me to live every day comfortably.

I have friends who pray for me and wish me well.

I have a job that has flexible hours and a forgiving work load that allows me to work well into my ninth month.

I have considerate bosses and co-workers who look after me in the office and help me to do my job a whole lot easier.

Most of all, I have this precious opportunity to be a mother to a beautiful baby girl.

God has blessed me in so many ways and I have a lot of reasons to be grateful.

And each moment takes me closer to the realization of this wonderful blessing.

I know tomorrow will be a beautiful day.

And the verdict is in

2007-03-21T22:45:00.000+08:00

No, I'm not giving birth within the week as I expected (and wanted). My OB says it might take another week.

She was supposed to give me my admitting orders for the hospital today but she said she'll give it to me on my next check - up instead.

Judging from the position of my belly, she said I appear to have "lightened" a bit which means Jamaine is on her way down. But it seems my baby's still taking her sweet time inside my belly because when Doc palpated my bump she said Jamaine is still floating and her head is nowhere near the birth canal.

Of course, I'm a little disappointed. Sometimes I wish I can pull the days until my delivery.

But what got me even more disappointed was the bad news about my urinalysis, I still have UTI.

I've been taking my awful tasting antibiotics, drinking lots of water and religiously going to the loo for the past week but the darn bacteria is still there.

My OB prescribed another antibiotic which is supposed to be stronger than the one I took. This one better work because I can't let this affect my baby plus it costs almost a hundred bucks a pop! It's really true when they say: "Bawal magkasakit!"

***

Some moms can be weird

Awhile ago, when I went to the hospital's laboratory to get the results of my urinalysis, there was a baby crying her head off in the waiting area. She was still a bit small and was wrapped in a hooded blanket, so I suppose she was just a few months old.

Meanwhile, a lab attendant was sticking a syringe in her arm, probably to get a blood sample.

The baby's face was beet red from all the crying and all the while, the woman carrying her (who I assume is the baby's mother) was laughing.

I looked at her again, and she was still laughing while saying, "Kawawa naman."

I imagine if that were me and Jamaine, I would probably be a bit worried and try to soothe her with gentle coos. Maybe I would even try to sing just to calm her down, never mind if the lab gets disturbed by an off key lullaby at 9 in the morning.

But I would never laugh.

Either that woman was scared/worried too and she was just pretending to laugh about it or she just finds a crying baby funny.

Weird.

***

Some moms can be cruel

I came across this article about a newborn baby girl abandoned in someone's backyard in Pampanga, naked and left for dead.

Having worked in a network for more than four years, such news isn't really new to me and would just pass unnoticed.

But now that I'm pregnant and due to deliver, it felt so heartbreaking to know that one mother chose to abandon a precious baby. No matter what the reasons were, I don't think anything can ever justify throwing away a human life like a piece of trash.

How anyone can be so cruel escapes me.

It's a good thing that the kindhearted people who found the baby immediately rushed her to the hospital where she now recuperates. I hope she finds a good adoptive mother who will love her like her own.

Random thought: wouldn't it be cool if she was adopted by Angeline Jolie? Then she would have a brother from Cambodia, a sister from Ethiopia and another brother from Vietnam. Imagine that, a Filipino as one of Angelina and Brad's multi-national children.

Just injecting a happy thought.

***

I believe children are heavensent angels. They are like the embodiment of God's love.

Smile at a child today, you'll see God's face smiling back at you.

It’s a Super Special Sunday

2007-03-18T22:06:00.000+08:00

Jamaine marks her ninth month today!

And that means I will be giving birth anytime now. I’m having delivery jitters.

I could feel her movements mostly at the lower part of my belly so she must be slipping into birth mode by now. Though I still can’t tell when, we’ll probably determine an estimated date when I have my check up on Wednesday.

Moving around is becoming a bit harder though because I feel like I’m lugging around a bowling ball. I actually walk like a penguin now. Sometimes I feel so tired, I wish I can give birth now. Just a few more days. Or weeks.
Actually, it’s okay too If I don’t give birth within the week because that means I can attend Daddy Jun’s 60th birthday party on Sunday.

We spent the whole afternoon taping surprise birthday messages for him. Kernan will have it edited into a nice presentation so we could show it during the party. Mommy tells us he is not the mushy sentimental type, but I hope he likes this one.

Kat gave Jamaine her very first gift today: a Winnie the Pooh tie-side top and panty.

I found them so cute, I had to drag Kernie to SM Sta. Rosa because I wanted to buy more of them. Apparently, these cute Winnie the Pooh baby stuff were new arrivals that’s why I didn’t find them when I went shopping weeks ago. I felt a bit frustrated because most of the stuff I bought were plain white.

Anyway, I just picked up two pairs of tops and bottoms with matching mittens and bonnet. I was thinking Jamaine might grow fast and won’t be able to use a lot of these small clothes eventually. I’ll just buy more as she grows.

Mommy surprised us by paying for everything so that’s Jamaine’s second gift for today. She is such a lucky baby.

Being the first grandchild for both of our families, Jamaine will sure be showered with much love and attention. I know it will take a lot of restraint on our part not to spoil her but we have to guard against it so she’ll grow up valuing the things she will have and, more importantly, the people who will give them to her.

Wow, I still can’t believe I’ll officially be a mommy soon.

Wish me luck.

Nesting instincts on a Saturday

2007-03-17T21:14:00.000+08:00

I spent the whole day cleaning the bedroom.

It’s amazing how despite another bout of back aches last night, I had the energy to get everything In order, pack Jamaine’s baby bag and my labor bag too.

My pregnancy advisor Heidi says, it could be a case of “nesting instinct” which is common for moms in the last trimester.

I wanted to clean the kitchen too, but I figured with the rate I’m moving it’ll take another whole day for me to accomplish that.

So I just swept the whole room, wiped the dust off the windows and cabinets, and filed all our important documents.

The difficult part though was getting rid of the clutter: the little trinkets and what-nots accumulated over 5 months of living together plus more than three years of Kernan living as a bachelor.

So I just followed one criteria in classifying and throwing away clutter: if it’s something you’re not gonna use now or within the next two months, better throw it away.

I threw away old make-up brushes, travel kits I haven’t used in years, old scripts I’ve written, some really old CDs and a broken Playstation. I accumulated a total of three huge bags of trash.

The bedroom suddenly felt so light and clean as if it had been purged. Plus, I now know where everything is. The only challenge is how to maintain this newfound sense of order.

Kernan arrived home after his shoot at around 8 pm with a surprise pasalubong: an Oreo ice cream cake from Friday’s.

I consider it my reward for a hard day’s work.

Somehow, after eating the cake I got another energy rush so I buckled down to accomplish my most important task for the day: packing Jamaine’s baby bag.

Following the list on my baby book, these are the essentials I packed for the big day:

1. A roomy bag.

The baby bag I bought from Baby Couture does not only have enough room and pockets for baby stuff...

... it also has a matching changing mat.

2. Tie – side tops. I packed 3 sleeved and 3 sleeveless tops just to be sure.

3. Booties and mittens

4. Disposable diapers, cloth diapers and diaper clips

5. Abdominal binders

6. Towelettes

7. Receiving blanket

And it all fits!

For my labor bag, I packed:
1. Important documents (Philhealth, SSS, Authenticated marriage and birth certificate)
2. Loose clothes and underwear
3. Bathrobe
4. Towel and towelettes
5. Toiletries
6. Maternity pads

Kernan and I already placed both bags in the car so we’ll have it with us all the time. We’re packed and ready to go!

It all started with a craving

2007-03-16T23:58:00.000+08:00

Last night, for some reason, I suddenly craved for a chicken and pasta combo from World Chicken.

So after work, Kernan and I headed to Katipunan to satisfy my craving with an impromptu dinner date.

But fickleness struck me again and that’s never an easy thing. Because on the way there, I suddenly wanted to eat rice and adobo. So Kernan and I headed to the nearest Adobo Republic only to find out that their Anonas branch had already closed down.

“Gusto mo ba ng lutong bahay? May suggestion ako.”

He brought me to Tapsi ni Vivian in Cubao. It reminded me of Aling During’s Binalot in Boni where Kernan and I used to eat when we first started dating. I was getting ready to devour a whole meal of chicken binalot with extra rice and red egg when my fickleness rubbed off on my hubby as well.

“Alam ko na, Kamay Kainan na lang.”

And so my quest for chicken and pasta ended up with a Pinoy buffet.

I still got my fill of chicken and red egg plus tinola, seafood soup, tahong and lumpia. To top it all off, I had brownies and sweetened banana for dessert. I would have wanted to try the ginataang bilo-bilo too, but it felt like my stomach was about to explode.

Strangely, all that food somehow got us in a reflective mood.

Kernan asked me if I didn’t have regrets about having a baby this early. If I wasn’t on the way, we could have gone on weekly out of town trips and shopping expeditions. We may just as well be in Boracay right now or Palawan just having the time of our lives.

To be honest, the “shoulda-woulda-couldas” do cross my mind. It was never a question if Kernan and I were gonna get married. It was just a matter of when.

Last year, we set a timeline for our relationship. Save up money for the house and for the wedding. Get married in 3 years, spend the next 2 years just enjoying each other and the next year to have a baby.

It was a pretty ideal plan that had to be overhauled when Jamaine surprisingly came into our lives.

If we were not married and expecting a baby, what else would we have wanted for ourselves?

He said he wanted a big bike. I wanted a Macbook. He wanted to buy his own house. I wanted to travel and try different sports. All that would have to take a backseat for now because we have to set our priorities.

But when I think about it, I don’t have regrets about marrying young and having a baby.

When I was single, I spent money, sometimes unnecessarily, on whatever I wanted. But when I’ve finally made that purchase, I never really stopped wanting more. I was always dissatisfied thinking I’d be happier when I finally have this or that. But when the initial thrill is over, nothing is left.

Since I got married, I’ve become content with simple pleasures. Spending a weekend at home with my Kernie, writing in my journal or just feeling Jamaine moving in my belly bring me such a high incomparable to anything money could buy.

The happiness I’m experiencing now is something true and lasting because it grows day after day. Finding and experiencing that happiness is priceless. And I won’t give it up for anything in the world.

Real beauty

2007-03-16T23:52:00.000+08:00

During one of those sleepless nights, I watched a documentary tackling the Filipinas’ take on beauty.

Among the case studies it featured were a colegiala who underwent a noselift, a young woman who got her desired weight through bulimia, and a robust woman who became an accomplished triathlete.

Clearly, the two young women were among the thousands of other girls around the world who were victimized by a society that set unrealistic standards of beauty.

It’s difficult to match up to the image of the “beautiful woman” with the high-bridged nose, fine straight hair, fair flawless skin, modelesque height and an hourglass body when you come from a race that is naturally pango, kulot, kayumanggi, maliit and either mapayat or mataba.

I believe everyone knows what it’s like to be eaten by insecurity issues. It’s not something you can easily deal with or throw away.

Although I may not agree with undergoing plastic surgery or inducing bulimia to combat insecurity, I respect women who can move past their issues, decide to take action and stand bravely by their decision.

But I have great admiration for those women who can accept themselves with their God-given qualities as well as their flaws and can confidently live their lives to the fullest.

Just like this woman triathlete. She was far from the stereotype of athletic women with toned muscles and streamlined physiques. She was very far from it. But she was healthy and actively doing things most women can only imagine. More than that, she exudes confidence that can only come from being happy and content with who she is.

And that, for me, makes her truly beautiful and sexy.

Aside from being a successful triathlete, she is also a mother to a teenage girl whom she encourages to explore different fields of interest. I think she’ll grow up to have a healthy self-esteem just like her mom.

This leads me to think about Jamaine. Sometimes I have anxieties about how to raise her.

Definitely, I want her to grow up with a healthy self-esteem, to have an appreciation of her talents and to be confident about her natural beauty. And I believe my role as her mom would play a major factor for her to achieve all these.

My real beauty story

Growing up, I also had my share of insecurities.

I was the only girl in the family and Kuya was my constant playmate. Though I had my cooking sets and stuffed dolls, I would play with his toy cars and Lego blocks. I had the tendency to be boyish and brisk. But I was young and I was too happy playing to even care.

When I grew old enough to participate and understand the workings of family gatherings, I realized I was “flawed.”

Relatives naturally mean well and want you to be better, I know. But sometimes, they do have the tendency to make you feel otherwise.

I was a slender kid but I had dark skin and thick, wavy hair. I would often get compared to my cousins who had milky-white skin and fine straight hair. Some would even ask out loud who was the most beautiful among us. I never dared to find out the answer.

Nevertheless, I tried to make the most of what I had.

In school, I grew more and more interested in reading and writing. And I excelled in these subjects. I thought, I may not be the most beautiful girl in class but I knew I was good at something.

Thanks to my mom’s genes, I grew up thin no matter how much I ate so I never had weight issues. If only I had inherited her fine hair too, it would have been just perfect. But of course, you can’t have it all.

My thick, wavy and unruly hair continued to torment me. One schoolmate who saw me combing my hair even remarked, “Ang dami mong patay na buhok!”

Out of sympathy, my friend offered to pick out all my “dead hairs” so that only the live (a.k.a. a bit straight) ones would remain. We decided to meet up at the gym after school with the mission to resurrect my hair. But she stopped in the middle of hair picking. She realized that if she removed all my “dead hairs,” I would end up half bald.

At times, I would look at the beautiful girls in school – the ones who were fortunately born with a great height, flawless skin, celebrity good looks and most of all, smooth, long hair. They were the ones linked to the finest boys in school. Those boys who were not so fortunate ogled at them when they pass by. And sometimes I wished I could be just like them.

In high school, my horror hair still haunted me.

All the girls, it seemed, had great straight hair except me.

During this time, I did join and win some beauty contests, but I was never completely ridden of my insecurity.

Everyday, I would look at the mirror and wonder, was it too much to ask for a good hair day?
I fell prey to the false promises of advertising and asked my mom to buy me different shampoos and conditioners. I just got frustrated because nothing worked for me.

By this time, hair straightening was in vogue but I neither had the guts nor the money to undergo it. I resorted to strangling my “dead hair” in tight ponytails to keep them tidy. The scrunchy and comb became my bestfriends and I never left home without them.

In college, I became too preoccupied with more important things to bother about vanity.

My wavy-haired friend A and I decided to cut our hair short, slap on a generous amount of Suave and comb it back for a fuss-free wet look. We actually looked mannish and oily, but we thought we were pretty.

My self-esteem took a whole new turn for the better when I entered the real world.

As I started to work and earn my own money, I discovered the wonders of rebonding, relaxing and hair spas.

I bought beauty magazines, studied trends in beauty and applied those that enhanced my features. I took stock of my assets and exerted effort to look and dress better.

I took care of myself. I read motivational and inspirational books leading me to discover a wonderful new side of me.

I felt empowered.

Finally, I believed and I felt that I was truly beautiful.

People who see me would comment that I looked blooming. It might be due to the shine serum that I applied on my hair or the cheek tint that promised to give me a just-pinched blush.

But I’d like to think that what they see is the inner glow that radiates from within me. Something I got, not from beauty products, but from a wholehearted acceptance of everything that I am.

I still look at other gorgeous girls and take note of their assets, but I no longer envy them. I admire them.

When I face the mirror, I no longer wish to look like some famous supermodel or straight-haired celebrity.

I know there are a million other beautiful girls in the world.

But there can only be one beautiful me.

Swollen fingers and why I'd rather be naked

2007-03-15T01:21:00.000+08:00

My fingers are swollen.

They are so swollen that I can't get my ring off so I'll probably sleep with it tonight. Not that I can actually sleep. My back aches are attacking again with a vengeance, that's why I'm still up at past 1 am.

Swollen fingers and back aches are just some of the things that make me wish Jamaine would come out now.

Kernan asked me awhile ago if I wanted to take a leave already.

I resolved to myself I'll work until I'm about to deliver. I even imagined a scenario in my head of Kernan carrying me from our 2nd floor cubicle, down two flights of stairs, into the parking lot and driving me to the hospital all in a record time of 10 minutes. Or maybe 15.

But I said that a month ago. Now I'm seriously considering staying at home after Sunday.

When you're almost nine months pregnant plagued by constant back aches, nothing is more tempting than just staying at home, eating anything you want and lounging around in your pajamas the whole day.

Actually, lounging around the house naked would be more like it.

I feel like every inch of clothing is adding up to the weight of my belly. So when I take my clothes off, it's like absolute freedom. But since I can't really be naked all the time, changing into my hubby's oversized t-shirts is the next best thing.

Still, I'm thinking that although my ninth month officially starts on Sunday, my delivery date might still be weeks away. It might be good for me to still have some form of "exercise" while waiting.

Besides, I'm still lucky I haven't had any major complications that would require being bedridden. And my OB has given me the green light to work for as long as I can.

But I've gotta stay close to home after Sunday just in case I need to go to the hospital, so no gimiks outside of the Timog - Cubao area and definitely no out of town trips.

Oh well, we'll see how far I can go. I've made it through eight months, I'm sure I can make it through just a couple of weeks more.

Just hope my water bag doesn't break in the office.

Hospital Tuesday

2007-03-13T23:48:00.000+08:00

I spent almost the whole Tuesday in the hospital.

I went in the morning to have my lab tests. My OB wanted to make sure I no longer had anemia and I was free from any infections.

Strangely, when I walked into the laboratory, I felt a sudden dread for the needle. And that is weird because I was never afraid of syringes or injections.

Okay, maybe I was a bit scared when I was younger as most children were. But I wasn’t the type who’d get so scared stiff that I won’t be able to get through it at all.

Even when my foot got cut by a broken tile in a swimming pool accident last year, I bravely endured the anesthesia that had to be injected right into the wound. I even managed to laugh when the doctor joked that he had to pull the stitches tight so the wound won’t break open.

This morning’s lab test was a just simple CBC which wasn't even close to having stitches done, so I wasn’t supposed to be scared about having a syringe pierce my arm and into my nerve just to get a blood sample.

The nurse tied a rubber stopper around my upper arm before wiping alcohol on the soft skin behind my elbow. I turned my head away and closed my eyes.

She asked me to take a deep breath which numbed the needle’s sting. After a couple of seconds, she said it was over so I turned to take a look. That proved to be a big mistake, I saw the needle still stuck to my arm and the nurse was just about to draw it out. I almost grew limp.

Kernan must have noticed the look on my face. “Ang sakit ‘no?”

Of course, I denied it and put on a brave face. I’m absolutely sure I would be experiencing more severe pains than this during labor and delivery. So I might as well start ~~acting~~ becoming brave now.

An hour later, we picked up the results and Kernan dropped me off at my OB’s for my check up.

The waiting list was a bit long. I was the sixth in line.

But I was far from bored because there were kids playing in the corridor outside the clinic. Among them were two adorable little girls who seemed to be happy sashaying in their imaginary catwalks.

One was wearing a pink shirt and pants number while the other had on a summer dress dotted with red. blue green, yellow and pink flowers.

I could almost imagine Jamaine one or two years from now wearing dainty little dresses and cute pink shoes. I can’t wait to dress her up and fix her hair.

I think I’ll even buy us matching outfits. Or maybe I could get her a tiara.

It was past 3 pm when I got called in the clinic.

Doc checked my blood pressure and Jamaine’s heartbeat.

The good news is we’re both doing fine and Jamaine has a healthy heart rate.

The bad news is I’ve got UTI and I’ve got to take antibiotics for 7 days.

Doc told me to drink lots of water and to stay away from salty foods. (Goodbye Piknik and corned beef!)

She also said I should monitor Jamaine’s movements.

My baby’s supposed to kick a minimum of four times every hour after eating. Well, with the rate she’s going, it’s more like 10 kicks per hour.

After Sunday, I’m supposed to watch out for the impending signs of labor because I can give birth any day after that.

I can’t believe we’re almost there. I really should start packing my labor bag.

Lazy Sundays lead to Happy Mondays

2007-03-12T22:13:00.000+08:00

We spent the whole Sunday at home.

Kernan treated me like a queen and catered to my every whim.

Like when I craved for Spanish bread, he went to Pacita to look for some. But it was mid-afternoon and all the Spanish breads have been sold out so he bought me my next favorite sweet craving and brought home a half-dozen chocolate donuts.

It’s a bit weird because pregnant women are supposed to have cravings in the early stages of pregnancy, but I still have them until now. It’s not really the wake-you-up-in-the-middle-of –the-night / get-me-this-or-I’ll go-crazy type. It’s more like a spur of the moment thing and my way of savoring my hubby’s affection.

All throughout the day, he’d keep asking me if there was anything I liked so he could go out and get it. Whenever I need to stand up or go down the stairs, he’s always there to hold me. (Actually, I’m still strong enough to do these on my own, I just love it when he holds me.)

I’m so thankful because he never gets tired of caring for me.

He’s been such a sweetheart the whole day, I just let him sleep the whole afternoon until late into the night.

We ended up leaving Laguna at past 11 pm.

Of course, when we got home he was far from sleepy so he started with his Smallville DVD marathon.

I’m not really a fan so I fell asleep right through it.

When I opened my eyes, I was greeted by the Monday morning sunshine.

I think that’s the great thing about lazy Sundays, you feel so energized to start work on Mondays. You almost feel like you can take on the world.

The day started really great because we learned that we won the ratings last Saturday. We had a solid 10 versus the competition’s 6.9.

We’ve been feeling down the past weeks because we lost to a Koreanovela. Though it was just a small margin, it still hits kinda hard especially when you know you’ve put in so much effort in the show only to be defeated by a canned soap.

But we all feel up to the challenge. Besides, it feels so good to win when you’ve just come from a loss. You learn to appreciate victory more. Losses keep you from being complacent and prompt you to aspire to do better.

The staff meeting ended with high spirits so I’m crossing my fingers that this week’s episode will be another winner.

After work, Kernan and I dropped by the grocery to pick up some of my favorite food staples.

First up, my breakfast buddies. I bought some wheat bread, a jar of creamy peanut butter and 2 boxes of pancakes with chocolate syrup. And this time, I promised Kernan I’ll really make pancakes and not burnt scrambled eggs.

My fruity favorites: a jar of sliced peaches, grapes and mandarin oranges. They’re the best food for sudden hunger pangs and keeps me from eating junk food too.

Last but not least on my list was a can of corned beef con patatas, my favorite dinner of the moment. I especially like it guisado with a lot of sabaw. I’ve been eating it for a couple of days in a row so I feel like I’ll grow tired of it any time soon. Sometimes I feel like my taste buds have a mind of their own, I wonder what they’ll fancy next.

We continued to watch Smallville after dinner. I think we’ve not even half-way Season 1 and my hubby is absolutely hooked.

I wasn’t really intent on watching though because someone else was stealing the show.

Baby Jamaine was really active the whole night. Kernan and I actually paused watching Smallville to watch my belly wiggle. I Imagine Jamaine had her own disco ball in my belly and was having a blast.

At one point, the thumping was continuous and rhythmic which I assumed must be hiccups. But I’d rather imagine she was tapping her feet to her own beat. Or she was knocking on my belly trying to tell me, “Mommy, I want to go out now.”

Just a few more weeks before we meet, my baby.

Four years and nine months!

2007-03-10T22:54:00.000+08:00

Yup, Kernan and I are celebrating our monthsary today and it’s been a happy Saturday. We spent the whole day just lounging around at home savoring a relaxing weekend.

Kernan and I woke up well into lunchtime to make up for all the sleepless nights the past week. He hasn’t slept decently for three days because of work. I, on the other hand, have not had a decent sleep the whole week because of back aches.

Jamaine was punching and kicking me repeatedly so she must have been hungry. We had a nice home-cooked brunch of chicken mechado and fried tulingan, a nice breather from our daily canned food and instant meal fare.

I don’t usually read the newspaper after breakfast. But this time, I decided to join Kernie in the sala to read up on current events. It’s a good habit I’m learning from my hubby.

Though I wasn’t able to read the paper from cover to cover like he did, I still picked up a couple of interesting information from the few sections I read in Philippine Daily Inquirer's Saturday edition:

According to Forbes, there are 946 billionaires in the world and this year is considered the "richest year in history." Bill Gates is still number one. Farther down the list are three Filipino tycoons: Henry Sy and Jaime Zobel de Ayala tied at rank 349 and Lucio Tan at rank 407. The richest woman in the world who ranked 12 is Lilian Bettencourt, the heiress of L’Oreal founder Eugene Schueller.
The scent of roses could possibly improve memory. Test subjects who smelled the scent of roses while they were sleeping remembered 97.2 percent of the cards they studied before they slept, while those who did not smell the scent of roses remembered only 86 percent.
Rajo Laurel has launched his own line of designer bed linens.
A US-based volunteer group called Hands On Disaster Response is helping rebuild communities in Albay. Since typhoon Reming died down, they have been repairing houses, classrooms and boats to encourage the stricken residents to move on with their lives.

Well that’s all I took in. PDI’s Saturday edition is a bit thin. Maybe there’ll be more interesting articles tomorrow.

We cuddled in front of the TV and watched the movie “Skyhigh” on the Disney Channel. It was a cute movie but I still think the Incredibles was way better.

There were no other interesting movies on cable so Kernie and I decided to troop to Pacita to buy 8 in 1 DVDs. I didn’t find any romantic flicks I liked though. Kernie bought a compilation of action-sci fi movies featuring the Matrix series, a comedy compilation featuring Van Wilder 2 and a collection of Smallville Seasons 1 – 5.

But I didn’t go home empty handed. I bought double chocolate donuts and a grande Zagu choco crumble. I know it’s too late in my pregnancy to have cravings but preggy or not, I always crave for chocolates. Jamaine must have liked it too because she was moving around the whole time I was eating. I’m not surprised if she’ll grow up to be a chocolate lover just like mommy.

We watched “Borat” when we got home. It was funny in a weird and gross sort of way. But I have to hand it to the man who played “Borat” for having the guts to run around naked for the movie. I also liked the way he concluded his adventures and misadventures: “When you chase after a dream with plastic chests, you fail to see the beauty that’s right before your eyes.”

I love days like these when we can just stay home, cuddle under the sheets and have movie marathons. It's been a happy laidback Saturday. And I'm so lucky I've got the perfect lazy weekend partner with me.

Happy 4th year and 9th monthsary Kernie!

Seeing the innocence

2007-03-09T21:08:00.000+08:00

Kernan and I were getting settled at Nato’s for dinner when he suddenly noticed something.

“Mahal, ang baba na ng tiyan mo. Talagang malapit na lumabas si Jamaine.”

I’m one week away from turning nine months so Jamaine must be settling into exit position by now. No wonder she has been kicking and squirming a lot lately, she must be excited to go out already.

“Kinakabahan ako, parang I’m not ready to be a dad. Basta ayokong maging katulad ni _____”

I’m nervous too. And I certainly don’t want him to be like this “father” we know. I placed father in quotation marks because I don’t think it fits him at all.

He looks sweet to his daughter whenever we see him but at night we would often hear him shouting and cussing at her when she wakes up crying.

Cussing. The P.I. word. At a one year old little girl. I can’t believe how he can be so cruel. Sometimes he even calls her stupid when she makes a booboo.

There are times he and his wife would launch a shouting match and the kid would start crying. Even his wife would shout at their baby and tell her to shut up!

One morning, the wife asked Kernan how we were both doing. She candidly mentioned how she and her husband have been fighting often especially when their baby starts crying because both of them are too tired from work to take care of her.

She warned him that when Jamaine is born, we would probably be fighting and shouting at each other all the time too.

Kernan and I have promised each other that, no matter how tired or impatient we might get, we will never, ever, ever shout at Jamaine.

I have gone through a relatively easy pregnancy, but it certainly entailed a lot of pains and sacrifices too. And after nine months of taking care of our baby, I can never imagine myself shouting or cussing at her.

Nothing can ever justify verbal abuse. You might think words are fleeting and kids won’t probably remember you’re saying bad words at them anyway. But you’ll never know how those few hurtful words might scar them.

Well they have been pretty quiet and peaceful lately. I’m not sure if they still shout at each other or at their kid. I just hope that poor little girl grows up unscathed by all the shouting and cussing she was subjected to.

I remember reading this tip from Dr. Richard Carlson, author of one of my most favorite books “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff:” When kids are acting up or seem to be bothering you, "learn to see the innocence."

Sometimes grown-ups have the tendency to think kids are brats out to make your life miserable. But when you learn to see the innocence, you’ll realize that behind their badgering is a silent plea for your attention and affection.

Kernan and I may not be prepared to be the most perfect parents in the world, but we’ll definitely do everything we can to raise Jamaine in the most loving and caring environment possible.

***

Kernan got the weekend off so we’re going home later to Laguna. Yipee!

We haven’t been spending the past weekends together because Kernan has been taking in extra work to save for our “Jamaine Fund.” I am so thankful I have such a hardworking and committed husband. And I’m sure he’ll be a very responsible father as well.

Actually, he admitted he had an offer for another racket this weekend but he turned it down. He figured it’s time we took a break to enjoy our last weeks of “privacy” before the baby comes out.

It’s gonna be a special weekend. And tomorrow is a very special day.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Pretty preggy

2007-03-08T22:30:00.000+08:00

Jamaine has been squirming and kicking in my tummy the whole day. And I’ve felt my belly harden several times.

I think my body is practicing in preparation for my upcoming delivery and it’s drawing nearer and nearer.

I went to my OB last weekend and she said that I should expect to give birth anytime after March 18. She wants me to come back on Tuesday for another check-up so she can teach me about labor and delivery.

Kernie tells me I’m his one and only sexy preggy but I’m still feeling so bloated. I’m doing more waddling and less walking these days. And I feel like I’m gonna topple any moment.

It’s such a good thing I’ve still been spared of the several plagues of pregnancy, especially the skin breakouts.

So I guess I could say I still feel a little bit pretty.

I remember when I had breakouts on my nose and cheeks during my first few months, I almost freaked out.

It was like pimply college years over again – a phase I’ve dreaded and suffered.

Vain little girl

I absolutely hated my oily skin then so I became such a vain little girl trying every product that promised to give me that perfectly flawless skin.

I adored the girls in the commercials because they were always so pretty and well, perfect. I would badger my mom to buy me those facial foams, scrubs and toners believing they’ll make me look like one of those girls.

Of course, my mom warned me every time that product overload would just make my pores larger and make my oiliness worse than it already is.

Of course, I didn’t listen to her and declared myself an expert on my own skin.

Until one morning, I looked at the mirror and I couldn’t believe my eyes.

Instead of seeing a pretty girl with perfectly flawless skin, I saw a red-faced monster who looked like “a pimple that grew a face.”

People who saw me would say “What happened to your face?!” Some simply stared.

I was so devastated.

And since it was all my fault, I couldn’t ask my mom to take me to the derma because that would mean spending a lot of money again.

At night, I would secretly cry and pray that it was all just a bad dream and that when I wake up the next day, everything will go away. I wished so hard to have my oily face back realizing oily was way better than pimply.

One of my titas took pity on me and gave me Squalene, a soap she had been using for her breakouts. She told me to throw away all the products I bought and just wash my face with this soap and water twice a day.

It took months for me to reverse the damage I caused to my skin. But I learned my lesson well: simple skincare works.

The fool-proof beauty routine

Since then, I’ve pretty much stuck to my facial soap and basic skincare regimen. Though, over the years, I’ve carefully added a few more stuff to combat sun damage, lines and aging. I still try to keep my product usage to a minimum despite the tempting ads of various new products in the market claiming beauty breakthroughs.

My efforts have been paying off so far since my skin has survived the onslaught of pregnancy hormones.

Some even say I look blooming.

But I believe there’s something more behind that glow.

The most fool-proof beauty routine for me is being happy and content with myself and my life. I still have flaws, lots of them actually, but I love myself just the way I am. I have a loving husband, a beautiful baby on the way, two sets of caring families, loyal friends, a lovely job….I have everything I need and want. I wake up everyday, grateful for the life God has blessed me with.

And I think, more than any beauty product, it’s real contentment and happiness that lets the inner glow shine through and gives you that priceless, age-defying beauty that will last you a lifetime.

This made my morning

2007-03-08T11:17:00.000+08:00

My previous post was featured in the Inquirer Bloggers Blog Addicts site!

I've been blogging for more than two years and this is a first for me. Even though I've only had two hours of sleep and my back's still aching, I had reason to say it was a great morning.

So thank you, Joey Alarilla.

I'm a Pinay blog addict and I'm proud of it.

***

HAPPY WOMEN'S DAY!

My insomnia solution

2007-03-08T00:35:00.000+08:00

For the past weeks, I've been dealing with pregnancy-induced insomnia. Blame it on the hormones, back aches and Jamaine kicking and squirming in my tummy.

So instead of tossing and turning in bed, I've resorted to net-surfing and blog-hopping until my eyes grow weary. And these are some of the sites that have been keeping me company through these long, sleepless nights.

Inquirer Blog Addicts
I often visit the Blog Addicts section at INQ7.net, now Inquirer.net, to see fellow Pinoy bloggers. It's great that they finally transformed it into a site, providing a venue to unite a growing number of Pinoy blog addicts.

Though Blog Addicts started just this month, it already has a number of interesting entries. Plus, it's constantly updated so you're sure to catch something new everyday.

Posts cover a variety of interests such as features on fellow blog addicts, blog tips, news and current events. The site's pretty well-rounded so it's fast becoming a favorite.

Inquirer and GMA News

Unlike Kernan, I'm not an avid fan of newspapers and news programs. It's not that I don't care about what's happening around me, I just choose to stir clear of anything that might depress or annoy me at this point.

But to keep up with my ever-updated hubby, I make sure I visit these two sites to get my daily news fix.

Somehow they make the news palatable to me since I can just glance at the headlines and choose to click which item I want to read.

Kudos to the GMANews.tv team because the official site of GMA News and Public Affairs was named Best Site in Media by the Philippine Web Awards.

What's interesting is, the site also has it's own Blog Network featuring blogs by Howie Severino (one of my personal favorites), Malou Mangahas, Chay Hofilena, Arnold Clavio and Chino Trinidad.

Except for Howie's Sidetrip, most of the blogs are not updated regularly but they are still very interesting reads.

Kikay Exchange

Bags. Shoes. Fashion. Make-up. Skin Care. Everything girly. I am a self-confessed kikay so this site is a treat for me.

Kikay Exchange has been around since August 2006 but I've only come across the site last month. The posts are categorized so it's easy to check out past entries.

Among the useful tips I picked up were about the chic Baby Couture bags (which I already bought) and the RedVanilla laptop bags (which I will buy very soon).

Mom Exchange

It's a blog written by moms for moms.

And since I'm a soon to be mom myself, I find it comforting to read about other moms' thoughts about parenthood (something I know absolutely nothing about) and married life (something I'm trying to learn more about.)

Shopcrazy
According to the site's "About" page:
"ShopCrazy is the Philippines’ first shopping weblog. It is a sister site of Female Network and Candy Mag, and is supported by Cosmopolitan, Preview, Marie Claire, Good Housekeeping, OK!, Real Living, and T3 magazine."

Shopcrazy's web editor is stylist and make-up artist Cherry Pacheco - Uy, the "manic shopper."

I check the site often for the latest sale alerts and bazaar schedules. The great thing is these are are posted way ahead of time so you can really gear up for a shopping spree.

***

It's past 12 midnight. I'm still up. And I feel far from sleepy.

Smart Internet @ P10 / 30 minutes!

2007-03-07T13:22:00.000+08:00

I've been a loyal Globe subscriber for 9 years. But this nifty tip I got about being able to connect to the internet using a Smart SIM and a 3G Phone is really tempting me to make the switch.

Kernan and I don't have internet at home so we bought a Smart SIM and tried it for ourselves. And it works!

The speed is not so bad reaching up to 460 kbps. It's pretty convenient since we no longer need to go to the office or the nearby internet cafe (which charges P40/hour!) just to send and check mail. And also to access Friendster, Youtube and other sites blocked in the office.

It's also useful especially when you're on the go, you badly need the internet and there's no wifi available.

Plus, it's prepaid so you don't have to deal with the hassle of internet and phone bills. (Am I starting to sound like an informercial?)

The set-up is pretty simple too. All you need are:

1. Smart Buddy SIM (loaded with at least a P100)
2. 3G Phone
3. PC or laptop
4. USB cable

Here's how you do it using a NOKIA phone and a LAPTOP:
1. Make sure you have Smart's GPRS settings saved on your phone. If you don't have it yet you can request it by sending "SET (your phone's model)" to 211.
For example:
GO N70
Send to: 211

2. When you receive the settings, follow the prompts and save it as your phone's default settings.

3. Before you connect your phone to your laptop, make sure that:
- your phone's PC Suite is correctly installed in your laptop
- your phone is in DUAL MODE and you have a 3G signal

4. When you've double-checked your PC Suite and 3G signal, connect your phone to your Laptop using your phone's USB cable. The PC Suite should start up automatically.

5. Click "Connect to the Internet" on the menu. This prompts another dialogue box showing the status of the connection. You should see the following processes:
"Opening port"
"Verifying username and password"
"Connected"

Note:
If it doesn't connect, click the "Settings" button and check if you're connected to the right USB port and the network is set to "SMART PHILIPPINES."

6. Start surfing!

Note:
We haven't tried this yet with a PC or a Sony Ericsson phone or any other brand of 3G phone. So I can't assure that this will work for all phone types.

You can also check out the instructions from Smart Buddy's website.

We've been using Smart Internet for two months and our average usage is P600 per month which is not bad at all.

The only disadvantage is I have to transfer my Globe SIM to another phone so I can place the Smart SIM in my N70 every time I need to access the internet. So my N70's back casing has become a bit loose and I'm thinking that the constant transferring might damage the two SIMS.

So either I buy another 3G phone or switch to Smart altogether. Of course, the latter is more practical but I'm not ready to make the switch yet. I'll have to wait and see if Smart comes up with another feature or promo that will definitely kick Globe's ass and earn my loyalty.

Making the perfect pancakes

2007-03-07T11:03:00.000+08:00

Means closely following the instructions on the box, especially if you're not an experienced cook.

Between my hubby and I, he is the experienced cook. He has been living away from his home since college so he knows his way around the kitchen.

I, on the other hand, have lived with my parents all my life and I am used to waking up with breakfast ready every morning.

So when Kernan and I got married, we've both accepted our designated roles in the kitchen: he is the cook and I am the dishwasher.

But the other morning, I decided to try and prepare breakfast that required a little bit of cooking.

I thought cooking pancakes would be a cinch. After all, the instructions on the box were pretty simple: just add 1/2 cup water to the pancake mix and stir until free from lumps.

I didn't have a measuring cup nor a normal cup on hand, so I used a drinking glass. And since it was thin, I filled it with 3/4 water instead of 1/2. Big mistake.

It was too much and the batter got really thin. But I wasn't ready to give up yet and I cooked them anyway.

When Kernan saw what I was cooking, "Wow, nagluto kang scrambled eggs?"

Well, we still ate my scrambled-egg-looking pancakes. It was a good thing there was chocolate syrup included in the packet that made the taste alright, so that kind of saved my first sad attempt.

But you see, I will not stop at one attempt cooking simple pancakes. So this morning, I tried again with a different pancake mix.

I carefully prepared all ingredients:

1 whole egg
2 tbsps vegetable oil
1/2 cup water
200 g pancake mix

And I followed the instructions to the letter:

1. Beat one whole egg.
2. Add vegetable oil.
3. Pour water.
4. Add pancake mix and stir until free from lumps.

I poured a third of the batter in the non-stick pan set on low heat and it formed a perfect circle. Yay!

I waited for the bubbles to appear on top of the batter to signal that it was time to turn it over. But it seems I waited too long, because the pancake got a little burnt.

The next try, I guarded the pancakes zealously and flipped them at the first sign of bubbles.

My efforts paid off because when Kernan saw them he said, "Wow!"

They tasted good even without syrup and Kernan ate them all up. One feather on my cooking cap!

Next time, I'll try baking. Can't wait to see how that will turn out.

Baby shopping basics

2007-03-05T23:55:00.000+08:00

I blew almost a whole month’s salary on a shopping spree last weekend. And it felt good even if not a single item I bought was for me.

I scoured Landmark’s third floor and went all the way to the other side to raid SM Makati’s Infants section to buy stuff for Jamaine. For someone who has recently been plagued by persistent back aches, piling up a lot of stuff to fill a whole shopping basket felt so therapeutic. I enjoyed it so much, I shopped two days in a row.

Shopping part 1 was on Saturday with mom and dad because Kernie was at work the whole day. But of course, Kernie wanted to be part of the action so we had Shopping part 2 on Sunday.

Of course, Mama was more than willing to dispense advice on what I needed to buy. Though I consulted my “pregnancy bible” and mommy magazines on the stuff I needed to prepare, It was still great to have my own “consultant” around who had first hand knowledge and experience on “first baby essentials.”

I was about 8 years old when I first accompanied Mama to buy stuff for my youngest brother Vin. Back then the infants’ section just had a number of choices for baby stuff so I think shopping was easier.

Now more than 17 years later, my Mama is the one accompanying me to buy stuff for my baby. And I couldn’t help but feel a bit overwhelmed and confused seeing racks upon racks of baby stuff available.

The good thing is having a lot of choices, the bad thing is tending to overspend and the challenging part is buying the best stuff for the baby.

There were a lot of different brands available ranging from the high-end imported brands (read: really expensive) to the local generic ones (read: really cheap).

Being on a budget can tempt you to just buy the generic ones or the cheapest item. In the end, I just chose the ones I felt had the best quality and ignored the price tags.

Here’s a rundown of the things I was able to check off my “baby shopping basics” list:

1. Feeding bottles.
This was a major thing for me because I’m not sure yet if I can breastfeed. My top three were: Pigeon, Avent and Chicco. Avent was too expensive for me, so I narrowed my choice to Pigeon and Chicco. As we were browsing through the different feeding bottles and reading the labels, a woman who was also shopping for bottles approached Mama and me.

“Ang bilhin niyo po Pigeon, yung may peristaltic nipple. Nasubukan ko na sa mga anak lahat ng klase ng brands pero yan lang yung hindi ako nagkaproblema.”

There were no signs that the woman was a sales representative on the sly and she looked genuinely sincere with her advice. So I checked out the peristaltic nipple she was talking about.

A closer look at the bottle’s box shows that the peristaltic nipple is one designed to imitate the natural flexibility of the mother’s nipple and that this helps prevent colic in babies. That, plus a buy three take one promo, was enough to convince me, so I bought two sets of bottles: a smaller set especially for newborns and a bigger set for when Jamaine gets older.

2. Powder milk dispenser and feeding bottle brushes

3. Nappies and Diapers
My mom said Curity was the best brand but since it was out of stock, I just bought a dozen from Disney. It was 100 % cotton so I guess that would do. I’ll just buy more later on. There were only two brands offering diapers for newborns, EQ and Prokids. I bought EQ which was a bit cheaper but I’ll have to wait and see if Jamaine is comfortable in it. If not, I’ll try Prokids next time.

4. Baby kimonos
I was tempted to buy little pink dresses and jumpsuits for Jamaine but of course, Mama was quick to stop me. Baby kimonos or tie-sides are the easiest to put on newborn’s fragile bodies so that would have to do for now. Since it’s gonna be summer in a few weeks, I bought more sleeveless than sleeved tops. Too bad, they didn’t have it in pink.

5. Bibs, Mittens, Booties and Socks
I bought a lot of bibs, following an advice I got from a newbie mom at work. Since the baby kimonos were white, I chose to buy white mittens and booties as well. But I bought a set of teeny weeny socks in different shades of pink.

6. Hooded towels, bath towels and towelettes
Again, they had to be 100 % cotton. And they were all in pink.

7. Toiletries: baby milk bath, baby oil, baby powder, alcohol, and cotton

8. Baby bath cradle
All the bath tubs I saw were either too big or too deep, so I bought a Pooh-shaped foam that has a depressed middle shaped like a baby’s body. It can prevent slipping even if the baby wiggles since her body will fit snugly in the middle of the foam.

9. Crib
Kernan and I agreed that we’d buy the crib together but we disagreed on the style of crib we wanted. He liked this yellow and white crib with ruffles that had this princess feel to it. I, on the other hand, was dead set on this brown Winnie the Pooh crib. The Princess crib looked nice and fancy but the Pooh crib was cute and functional. It had an adjustable bassinet so you could transform the crib into a playpen when the baby gets older. There was an adjustable changing area and an organizer at the side. Plus, you could put metal rockers at the bottom for when you want to rock the baby to sleep. Of course, after the salesman’s demo, Kernan was won over and we ended up buying my Pooh crib.

10. Matching pillows, comforter and blankets

11. Baby bag
Actually, this bag was more for me than Jamaine. I didn’t like the cutesy baby bags in the department store so it was a good thing I found Baby Couture bags at Babyland. It’s stylish, functional and doesn’t scream baby. There were only few stocks left in Babyland but they have a wide selection at the Baby Couture website so you could buy online.

I guess we’ve got the basics covered though there are still a couple of things we still need to buy:
1. Bonnet
2. Anti-diaper rash cream
3. Baby bottle cleanser
4. Stroller
5. Baby carrier / car seat

Hope we didn’t forget anything. We’ve got only a few more weeks to shop and get everything ready.

A sneak preview

2007-02-24T12:41:00.000+08:00

Ang tangos ng ilong ni Jamaine. Mana kay Daddy Kernie! :)

***

When Kernan and I learned about the 4D Ultrasound, we decided I had to go through it once I hit 8 months.

The price is a bit steeper than the usual 2D Ultrasound but seeing a clearer image of the baby and getting an assurance that she is completely normal and healthy are things we were more than willing to pay for,

So on my 6th check-up, my OB agreed to issue a request for a 4D Ultrasound plus a Congenital Anomaly Screening Test for Jamaine.

I marked the date on my planner and counted the days ‘til my session. I wondered how Jamaine would look like but the bigger question for us was would she turn out to be a he?

We were so excited, Kernan and I arrived a half-hour early for our appointment at St. Luke’s.

I settled into the reclining bed as the doctor squirted a clear jelly-like substance on my belly. Jamaine didn’t squirm or move a bit.

“Naku, mukhang tulog siya,” the doctor said.

True enough, when her face became clear on the monitor, Jamaine was lying on her side sound asleep, her arm tucked under her head.

"Gisingin natin para gumalaw. May music ba kayo diyan?”

Kernan whisked out his phone and started playing the songs on his list. He placed the phone right next to my belly but Jamaine didn’t stir. I persisted and played “Fergilicious” one more time. Jamaine stirred a bit so I thought we were finally going to see some action. But after a few seconds, she went right back to sleep!

The doctor tried nudging my belly, but Jamaine still wouldn’t budge. Finally, she had an idea.

"Try to eat something sweet, that usually wakes babies up. Better buy some chocolate.”

Kernan rushed outside to look for some chocolate and came back with a handful of “Flat Tops.” I ate one after the other to no avail.

It seemed Jamaine was really bent on sleeping so we just decided not to push it and just proceed with the ultrasound and CAS anyway.

And so, after a few minutes, Kernan got his confirmation: Jamaine really is a girl.

We also managed to get a good view of her face and the doctors and nurses were remarking how pretty she was.

It was already evident that she got Kernan’s high-bridged nose which is exactly what we hoped for. Yay! We’ll have to wait and see though if she got my eyes.

We also got great CAS results which indicated that Jamaine is perfectly normal and healthy -- something we continue to pray for everyday.

Being the proud parents that we were, Kernan and launched an MMS brigade featuring Jamaine’s picture. We’ve also made it our official phone wallpaper.

My due date is drawing nearer and we’re getting more excited – anxious – impatient.

Just two weeks to go!

A belated Valentines post

2007-02-22T12:31:00.000+08:00

February 14 was SSS day.

I finally made the time to fix my SSS ID application. And among the things that I can say I should have listened to Mama about, it is this.

She has been telling me to apply for SSS since I started working but I never made the time thinking I don’t really need it and will probably never need it. Having worked as a talent for GMA since I graduated, I didn’t think much about benefits received by regular employees.

But now that I’m having my own family, these things suddenly became so important. Since I had no medical benefits, I applied for Philhealth. I also don’t have the privilege of a paid maternity leave so I’m getting a maternity allowance from SSS.

If you’re still single, it really wouldn’t hurt to spare time and money for these voluntary benefits. You’ll never know when they can come in handy.

Anyway, it’s a good thing the lines weren’t very long when we arrived. I was the 12th person in line for status verification.

Some things I learned while waiting in line:

It’s always a good thing to bring someone along when you have to go through long lines. While I was waiting for my turn for verification, Mama also lined up at the information counter to verify if I had all the right forms and requirements with me.
This system really saved us a lot of time and energy. I’ve seen a lot of people wait for hours to get their turn only to find out that they got the wrong form or they didn’t have the proper requirements so they had to go back and line up again.
Just to be sure, bring all possible forms and documents for identification –birth certificate, marriage certificate, passport, driver’s license, company ID, media ID and TIN ID. Better to have a lot on hand and always make sure all your IDs are valid and not expired.
Always triple check that you have filled up the form completely and correctly. The man before me had all the right IDs and documents save for one mistake: he wrote a different birth date on his application form. Good thing the man at the counter was nice enough not to let him go back to the end of the line.

I breezed through status verification in just two minutes and I was off to another line for ID capture. I was number 91, the guy at the booth was just number 67.

I erased all the games in my cellphone and I accidentally erased all the songs in my Ipod just a few days ago. There was no book or newspaper in sight. I was in for a long wait.

Suddenly, a girl walked in the door holding a small paper bag. Nothing extraordinary really except for this red heart-shaped balloon sticking out of her bag.

That’s when I remembered it was Valentine’s.

Hearts day used to be a big deal when I was younger.

In gradeschool Art class, our teachers would always have us make our own Valentine’s cards to give to our parents and friends.

It was also that one day when we could freely give flowers and cheesy love letters to our crushes. Girls would wait expectantly for the boys to hand out flowers and chocolates during recess and gush over them during class.

Lessons were usually light during Valentine’s. It’s like an unofficial holiday since our teachers would also join in the fun. They would cut out paper hearts, write names of famous couples and lovers on them, split them in two and distribute them to us.

It was then up to us to find “the other half that would make our hearts whole.” When we find our pair, we get to spend the whole afternoon sitting next to each other.

One time I got lucky, I exchanged hearts with a friend and got to pair up with my crush. Yeah, I’m mushy like that.

Valentine’s just got more overrated as I got older. Somehow, someone introduced this theory that Valentine’s was just one big conspiracy launched by card makers, flower companies and chocolate manufacturers to get the people to spend more.

Most of the time, it just didn’t make sense to celebrate it especially when you happened to be single when that day comes around. Which was most of the time for me.

Somehow Cupid’s magic just got lost on me.

But when Mama and I stepped into SM Manila after finishing up at SSS, it became evident to me that a lot of people were still smitten by this little angel’s charm.

It seemed the whole mall was covered red with balloons, cupids hanging from the ceilings, and roses everywhere.

Men and women crowded the flower kiosks, long lines formed at the bakeshops and brownie stalls and a throng had gathered at the bookstore’s Valentine’s card aisle. Everywhere I could see couples milling around exchanging flowers and gifts.

I guess you could say the mushy air was infectious. I found my self lining up at the brownie stall choosing between the heart shaped brownie cake and the assorted brownies.

I returned to the office with a dozen brownies in tow and delivered it to my hubby topped with a kiss. I guess I might get older but you can never take the mush out of this girl.

We shared the brownies for a few minutes and got back to work. Since Wednesday was mastering day for my Kernie, having a date later in the evening was a very slim possibility
So I got myself another date.

A and I went to our most favorite restaurant at the moment: Napoli’s in Timog Ave. We were lucky to have outdoor seats since the place was packed to the hilt.

Amid bites of cheesy potato crunch and forkfuls of chicken pasta parmigiana, we pondered over our rapidly changing lives: my blissful marriage and upcoming baby, her career and happy singlehood. One thing constant: our friendship that has spanned more than five years. We definitely had a lot to celebrate.

Technically, we were both dateless but we found a suitable substitute: we each had a delectable chocolate soufflé. A little piece of heaven.

I went home and Kernie arrived past midnight dead tired from their overnight episode mastering. Valentine’s was officially over so our date would have to wait another day.

But as we snuggled next to each other and drifted off to sleep, I knew my Valentine would be right next to me always and we can date each other for the rest of our lives.

Favorite moments

2007-02-13T11:18:00.000+08:00

The alarm clock sounded off at exactly 9 am.

I opened my eyes and rolled over to my right side ready to get up.

Okay, maybe just five more minutes, I thought.

I snuggled close to Kernan and buried my face in his neck. I could still smell yesterday’s perfume. He knows I love that fragrance on him. He reaches out his arm and locks me in his embrace.

I close my eyes and savor the moment. Waking up with him beside me is always the best part of my morning.

I opened my eyes and glanced at the alarm clock. 10 am. Has it really been that long?

“Good morning!” I said.

Kernan opens his eyes and hums “I love you!”

He gets up and walks around to my side of the bed to help me get up. My favorite moment number two.

Actually I can still get up on my own if I really try, but I just love it when he helps me up.

He embraces me tight careful not to crush my belly. Favorite moment number three.

We go down the stairs holding each other’s hand.

I stop in front of the mirror as he goes straight to the loo.

I take a closer look at the woman in the mirror. Is that really me?

Hair is limp and dry.

Cheeks are puffy.

Belly is big and skin is patchy.

This is certainly a morning moment I don’t like. Something to potentially ruin a great day.

A scene from this movie Kernan and I watched flashed in my mind.

Preggy wife wails to her hubby, “I look so ugly!” Hubby comforts her and says, “No you still look pretty.” Moments later, hubby tells his friend, “She does look ugly!” Then he goes on and cheats with another woman.

Makes you want to wish guys would get pregnant too so they would know what it’s like.

I smile feebly at the mirror, I turn my face side to side trying to look for a glimpse of the “old face.”

But each day, it gets harder to find it. And each day, it gets more and more difficult to feel beautiful. Now I understand why some pregnant women become frumpy. But I always said it won’t ever happen to me.

Sometimes, I can’t help looking longingly at skinny jeans, tank tops and high heels and wish I could fast forward to the day when I could wear them again. When I could strut a sexy cat walk and not a wobbly duck waddle. When my body’s like an hourglass and not an oversized ball.

I guess I’m just getting more emotional now that I’m almost due. My pregnancy bible says it’s natural for all manners of anxiety to creep up to you unexpectedly.

Just two more months.

Kernan comes out and looks at me. “Bakit ang ganda ganda mo lagi?” he asks.

I give him a hug.

Trust my Kernie to come in just at the right moment when I’m starting to feel dumpy. There I was with unkempt hair and patchy morning skin and he still thinks I’m beautiful. Favorite moment number four.

That’s four favorite moments against just a sucky one. I guess it’s a beautiful day after all.

Good thing I never run out of favorite moments.

And pretty soon I know I’ll be counting more of them.

Almost 8

2007-02-12T21:36:00.000+08:00

Jamaine is 7 months and 3 weeks old today.

She has been doing a lot of punching, kicking and squirming lately. And her movements have become pretty strong.

On Friday, I’m scheduled for a 4D Ultrasound and Congenital Screening plus a check up with my OB. My check ups are now scheduled every two weeks so I’m really feeling her nearing arrival.
Kernie still hopes the previous 2D Ultrasound we had at 5 months was inaccurate and the 4D will show Jamaine’s a boy. (He’s the only boy in the family so he’s pressured to have a son that would carry the family name.)

So we have put off buying baby stuff in the meantime. At least until the 4D results come in. Whether our baby’s a boy or girl, as long as Jamaine’s beautiful, normal and healthy, I can’t ask for anything more.

People have been noticing my big belly and keep commenting how my due date is just 2 months away.

Funny how a few weeks back, I was feeling kind of impatient that my due date seems to be taking forever. And now, every day seems to be going so fast.

Thank God, I’m not experiencing any serious difficulties now that I’m in the home stretch.

I’m just having shortness of breath every now and then, which the OB says is normal because Jamaine is pushing my lungs a bit giving it little room to breath.

My back aches have also persisted and they have become a bit more painful than before. My back bone makes clicking sounds when I turn the wrong way so I’ve become quite a slowpoke and Kernie has to help me get up in the morning.

I also get tired more easily, sometimes a bit absent minded and clumsy. It’s a good thing I can still go to work though. In case my water breaks, the hospital is just 10 minutes away.

Honestly, I am still feeling a bit anxious about giving birth.

Can I handle it when that moment arrives?

Will I be strong enough to pull it through?

Will Jamaine turn out fine?

Mostly, I’m just scared about being a mom.

I always said I’d like to be a cool mom who is close to her kids, expert at home management, successful at work and still manage to look hot. (Or is just that in the TV and movies?)

Kernie and I have been musing about how we’re gonna raise Jamaine. We both agreed we’ll spare the rod as much as we can and exercise diplomacy. And we will never, ever, ever argue in front of her or shout at her.

He says he wants her to take up Taekwondo and learn how to play the piano or the guitar. I want her to watch less TV, read more books and just be a well rounded and happy kid. We’ll just prod her into different things and see what she’ll take interest in.

Anyway, Kernie and I still have a couple of months to lay out our parenting rules and about a year of waiting time before we can actually practice them.

In the meantime, I'll just roll with Jamaine's kicks and punches and pray really hard for a safe delivery.

Finally had time to blog

2007-02-10T22:34:00.000+08:00

It’s our fourth year and 8th monthsary today. And for the first time in years, my Kernie and I just stayed home together. We slept late, ate a lot of fried food and played computer games.

And finally, after weeks of absence, I finally have the time to blog. Among other things, my writing is one of the things that have taken a backseat as I try to balance being a wife, a producer and a “baby maker.”

So I’ll backtrack a little and review the past two months.

The V Amihan Reunion

The last time I wrote, I was going to the V Amihans reunion dinner. As always, it was a riot of pictorials and good ol’ bashing.

Since it was his first time to attend the reunion in years, Stephen was the star of the night. Almost everyone wanted to take a picture with him.

Kris is due this February. By the time we'll have our next reunion, our two babies will be added to the guest list. But in the meantime, kami raw ang apat na buntis.

The waiters gave us some stuffed animal souvenirs. Too bad we forgot to keep them.

We capped the night at Seattle's Best. No V Amihan reunion would be complete without the after-dinner coffee. Sa uulitin!

The Wedding Date

Before the end of 2006, Kernan and I trooped to Josephine’s Tagaytay with our Gatsby family to finally reserve the date for our wedding. The downpayment has been made and the date is final, we’re getting married on December 15, 2007.

Blessings in January

January pretty much flew us by. We were back to work and I am so thankful God has been pouring in so many blessings for Kernie and I. I’m still strong enough to carry on with my job and he has been receiving a lot of job offers and projects.

We’ve been saving a lot and spending a little in preparation for Jamaine’s arrival. Happy to say our Jamaine fund is right on track. Now all I have to do is gear up for a normal delivery, and we’ll be just fine.

I'm 25!

My birthday came early this year with a surprise gift from my hubby. I haven’t even released my birthday wish list and yet he already knew what was going to be item number one. And that’s exactly what he gave me.

So in his honor, I named my new laptop Kernie.

Now we look like a geeky couple sitting side by side on the sofa playing games in the laptop. Jamaine pipes in every now and then with a kick here and punch there. So you could say, it’s actually a family affair.

Kernan asks me if I’m happy.

I say, I am content and grateful that God has blessed us with such a blissful life together.

Musings over tuna pasta

2006-12-30T18:12:00.000+08:00

I'm typing this in Infinity Gym's resto over a healthy serving of tuna pasta in tomato sauce and a banana split shake.

I'm still waiting for A who I'm supposed to meet in the GMA MRT station so we could go to the V Amihans' dinner with Sir Lito together. I'm maximizing my vacation and spending some quality time with my friends whom I've sadly neglected for the past months due to work.

Just yesterday, A and I had a shopping bonding session at Greenhills. That is, she did all the shopping while I did some window-shopping. And I’m proud to say that despite being surrounded by screaming sales and bargains and racks upon racks of beautiful clothes, I managed to exercise restraint.

I know I still have a large chunk of my bonus left in my savings account, but I’m really, really trying to save it so that I’ll have something to fall back on when I take my maternity leave in April. Unlike regular employees, I don’t have the privilege of a paid leave so it’s really up to me to make sure I don’t go hungry.

It was quite tempting to splurge at times, that I admit. But I only need to look down to see my reminder. I imagine Jamaine saying, “That top looks real pretty Mommy, but you know we need to save money.”

This is only one of the responsibilities that come with raising a family. And I know this will not be the first time I’ll be faced with a choice between what I want and what my family needs. But it’s something I’m slowly but surely learning to accept and to live with.

Yup, I guess I’ll still miss those momentary highs. The kind that comes from a shopping spree, buying a big ticket item or having an all-out vanity fair at the salon.

But these sure don’t compare to the bliss I feel whenever I feel my baby kicking in my tummy, watching her first ultrasound video, or getting loving hugs and kisses from my hubby every morning. These are real and lasting highs that make giving up the luxuries so worth it.

I was telling A how sometimes we want something so bad thinking that getting it would make us happy. But once you do get it, you realize it’s something you didn’t really need. And after the first thrill is gone, you realize getting what you wanted didn’t make you really happy. Then you go on searching for the next thing that will.

When Kernan and I got married, I felt happy knowing we’ll be together and loving each other for life. I felt so happy that I found myself wanting less and giving more.

Everyday, I wake up happily contented knowing that I’ve got everything I really need. And I’m thankful to God, I’ve got a blessed life indeed.

I'm off to our dinner date. Stories and pictures when I get back.

The blessings I'm grateful for

2006-12-28T17:25:00.000+08:00

At last, I’m officially on vacation. Actually, I’ve been on vacation mode since last week.

Our team has been working real hard for the past months so we could have the luxury of a two-week, absolutely work-free holiday break. And it’s been really great.

Christmas has come and gone. Admittedly, it’s been a little less exciting than what it used to be. But it held more meaning for me this year since it’s the first Christmas Kernan and I have celebrated as husband and wife.

As New Year approaches, I usually find myself taking stock of the things I am grateful for in my life. It’s like a ritual of sorts that helps me to remember the lessons I’ve learned and to let go of the year that was.

But lately, I’ve adopted the habit of being grateful everyday. Even for the simplest, littlest things I consider as blessings.

Each night, before I sleep, I write a one-liner thank you note to God. It helps to remind me that goodness abounds if only you know how to look for it.

Life has been good to me this year.

I’ve got a great job at Lovely Day. I love my work because it offers a lot of possibilities. It has been particularly forgiving of my pregnancy since my schedule has been pretty more flexible and the workload comparably lighter.

I love the people I work with because they’re such a crazy, funny and hardworking bunch.

All decked up before the Hall of Fame pictorial

We’re going on our third year. Here’s to more adventures!

At the GMA Christmas Party

Our work schedules haven’t exactly eased up but I’m thankful I’m still in touch with my friends.

The coffee dates and dinners at Gateway do much to keep us together. Much has changed for all of us but our friendships have remained.

Hanging out with A & Stephen @ Pho Hoa

Coffee nights with Carli, Lyn, Marisse & A

My soul friend

Our recent impromptu reunion with other V Amihans reminded me how much fun I do have with people who have known me for years and like me just the way I am.

Impromptu reunion @ Pizza Hut Bistro

The blessing I’ve been the most grateful for this year is my marriage to the only man I’ve loved and will always love for the rest of my life. And my happiness couldn’t be more complete with our baby on the way.

We’re enjoying every moment, every step that we take toward being a family. It’s exciting and a little bit scary, but I’m grateful my life is going this way.

Entering the door to marriage

Married and loving it

Passing the first trimester

2006-10-24T20:41:00.000+08:00

I'm finally exiting the delicate stage of my pregnancy and entering what is generally considered the easiest phase. So I'm expecting everything would be downhill from here. Or at least until my third trimester begins.

The first three months weren't very difficult though. Except for the occasional nausea and some rare instances of vomitting, I didn't experience much of the dilemmas most women fear about pregnancy. Some of my friends would ask me if I would have moments like those in the TV and movies where the pregnant woman dramatically rushes to the sink to throw up. Nope, definitely never had that one.

It's a good thing my cousin lent me the pregnancy bible which really helped me a lot to deal with a whole lot of changes that's happening to my body sans the panic and anxiety attacks.

Like the crazy food cravings that kicked in sometime during the end of the second month. I really tried to stick with the pregnancy diet so that I can muster enough strength to steer away from junk foods and sweets (....the agony!) that can make me and my baby fat. So far my cravings have been tolerable and controllable such that I am not waking Kernie up in the middle of the night to find me some peaches or baked potatoes.

What I'm really trying to get a grip over are the morning sluggishness, the mood swings and surprisingly, "memory gaps."

It's weird because every morning upon waking up, I would still feel tired. It's as though I didn't sleep at all. The book says this is normal because whether you're asleep or awake, your body's working 24/7 making a baby.

I actually wake up earlier than I did pre-pregnancy. These days, I usually wake up around 7 or 8 am. But I spend the next 2 hours just lying in bed wide - eyed or lounging around in my pajamas trying to get my energy up.

I'm just so thankful Kernie readily wakes up every morning to cook me breakfast. He says my standard waking up spiel, "Gutom na ko..." serves as his alarm clock. But of course, I don't say it until I've said my perky first line "Good morning mahal!" followed by "I love you so much!" and a purse-lipped kiss. My hubby's a real angel.

As for my mood swings, it just springs out of the blue. Sometimes, I would get easily irritated by a non-issue whereas before I would be so calm that almost nothing could ruffle me. Kernie and I would get into "little fights" because my moods would be so unpredictable and somewhat annoying, it's hard for him to handle it especially after a long day.

Though we quickly kiss and make up after, I know I really need to control this to avoid unnecessary strains in our relationship.

One thing that's a bit frustrating though are my "memory gaps."

I've always prided myself for my strong memory especially when it comes to things I have to do. But lately, I've been forgetting certain things. And sometimes I would really feel down when that happens because I don't want it to affect my job.

Everyday I list things I have to do and check the ones I've accomplished immediately so I can easily keep track. But some things still sneakily slip from my mind. And when your attention is called at work saying "I forgot" is certainly not an excuse.

I looked it up in the book and it said forgetfulness is another normal side effect of pregnancy hormones. That's why pregnant women are advised to steer clear of organizing stuff with too many details to avoid stress. That, I'm afraid, is something I can't do because my job is all about organization and lots of details. And I intend to continue working for as long as I can.

In the meantime, I'll just keep my trusty notebook and pen handy, jot down things as soon I remember them and try my hardest to remember everything that's important.

Sometimes it gets hard, sometimes I forget I'm even pregnant. I'm just approaching four months and I still have a long way to go.

Still, I know the long wait and sacrifice will all be worth it. I can only imagine that moment when Kernan and I finally hold Jamaine in our arms. All those difficult experiences will fade away in my memory.

We will only remember the happiest, most blessed day in our lives when God brought us all together to be a family.

US

2006-10-22T17:31:00.000+08:00

12 am. October 10, 2006.

I was trying really hard to get some sleep but my eyes won't keep shut. I glanced at Kernan who was still busy watching TV and browsing through Buy and Sell magazine at the same time. I guess he couldn't sleep too.

We couldn't possibly be having subconscious wedding jitters are we? Besides, it's just our civil wedding. No fancy ceremonies or receptions, just close friends and our immediate families gathering for lunch.

I snuggled under the covers and shut my eyes tight. I had to get some sleep so I could get up at 3.30 am. The plan was to be off by 5 am and reach Laguna by 7 am so we would have at least 2 hours lead time before the ceremony begins at 9 am.

2 am.

I woke up again. Kernan was still up but getting ready to hit the covers. After 30 minutes he finally went to bed. Just one and a half hours left for sleep. In my mind, I started humming a relaxing instrumental. Sleep. Sleep.

The alarm clock rang at exactly 3 am. I reached for my phone and texted A. She bargained for a whole day off from her show just to be with us during the ceremony.

"Haru, gising ka na? We'll pick you up at GMA by 5am."
"Yup. I'm alive! Ligo lang nang mabilis then alis na ko."

Kernan and I got ready in record time. We were out of the house by 5 and picked up A in front of the GMA gate. She gave us our first ever wedding gift, two stuffed bears locked in an embrace. The white one was wearing a gown and veil while the brown one was wearing a red suit. Squeezed in the middle was a little fuschia baby bear. And as she aptly put it, the trio would be our first family mascot.

After picking up Kernan's friend, Bonky in Cubao, we were off to the highway which miraculously had no traffic. The sun had risen when we finally reached Kernan's home in Laguna exactly at 7.

A and I went up to the guestroom for a quick nap. I guess the sleeplessness I had earlier finally took its toll because I fell asleep really quick. The next thing I knew, Kernan was calling out for both of us. It was time to leave for the municipal hall. Time to get married.

And that was when I felt a strange feeling in my stomach. Could I be having butterflies at the last minute? After all, I'm only counting minutes before I finally become Kernan's wife. Officially.

I would be changing my last name, writing a new signature, and having a new status. Sounds simple really. Nothing to be nervous about, I thought.

It was a short ride to the municipal hall. When we got there, a number of couples were lined up ready for the mass wedding. It was a good thing the Public Admin was kind enough to conduct the ceremony in the mayor's stead and he allowed us to have it privately in his office.

Kernan's mom warned us that the Public Admin is known to give lengthy talks so we prepared ourselves to sit down for a very long time. Thankfully, the seats they gave us were comfortably padded.

The talk ran for half an hour but it was time well spent. For a man who is 70 years old and married for most of it, he was a fountain of marriage wisdom. He and his wife seem to belong to those group of married couples destined to grow old together. And that's something both Kernan and I aspire to.

He quoted verses from the Bible and recounted the story of Adam and Eve. Of course, emphasis was given to the part where Eve came from Adam's ribs and how she was made to be man's companion.

I only cringed inwardly when he said, "Babae, magpasakop ka sa iyong asawa." That didn't really mean surrender, did it?

I agree that the husband would be the head of the family and the wife would be nurturer of the home. But I'd like to to look at it more as a partnership where both our decisions count and where we both serve each other. No one stands greater than the other.

But to all his other pieces of advice, I agree.

Like no matter how long we've been together, Kernan should still act as if he's courting me everyday.

We should always say "I Love You" to each other. (Something we've always done everyday, almost every moment for the past 4 years, 3 months, 1 week, 4 days and about 19 hours.)

No matter how bad our day was, I should always greet Kernan with a smile so that our home will be the place where all our troubles melt away.

We should support each other and be each other's number one fan.

Never fight in front of the kids.

Never fight, just talk about problems. And always hold each other's hand while talking.

Begin each morning with a prayer, thanking God for giving us another day and bringing us together.

After his talk, the Public Admin guided us through the standard wedding vows. I meant every word of it but I didn't feel it that much. That's why I will definitely write my own vows for our wedding next year.

And then the moment came, we were officially proclaimed as husband and wife and sealed the ceremony with a kiss.

As we were handed our contracts for signing, Kernan asked, "Sigurado ka na ba?" Once the papers were signed, definitely there was no turning back.

I signed my maiden name for the last time.

And somehow, it felt liberating.

Kernan and I had finally taken our relationship to the next level. It felt like we were starting a new life together.

It dawned on me that this is more than just changing a name, a signature or a status. It's a commitment to love each other unconditionally for the rest of our lives.

It's about loving each other so much to willingly give up the YOU and I, and becoming an US.

Baked potatoes & baby's cravings

2006-10-13T21:42:00.000+08:00

Right now, I'm really craving for Wendy's baked potato with cheese. There's something about it's creamy consistency that just drives my taste buds crazy.

It's weird because the last time I remember I ever ate a baked potato was during my college days when I was still with the V at UST. Wendy's would be a staple for dinner and early morning breaks during pressworks because it was the only fastfood near UST that was open for 24 hours. My favorite order was the Chicken Breast Fillet sandwich. I'd rarely order a baked potato because I thought it was too bland and I didn't like the idea of eating the skin.

But now, I've been craving for baked potatoes almost everyday for the past two weeks. And it's too bad because I just realized that there are very few Wendy's branches around. The nearest ones to my workplace or my home is the one in SM North and I'm too lazy to go there. Can't order through delivery too cos i think you have to have a minimum of P200 and it's the only one I want to order. Sure hope my hubby brings one home later.

Update: My Kernie did bring me a baked potato with cheese! Straight from their shoot in Las Piñas, he and his crew went all the way to Wendy's in Tandang Sora to get me one. Aww....Mahal, love mo ko talaga. My hubby really is a great help in easing my pregnancy pangs. He really exerts effort to satisfy my every craving and that alone makes eating so pleasurable. Love you Kernie.

It's not an easy thing to deal with these cravings. I had it easy during the first three months, I could eat almost anything and I was hardly picky. Now that I'm entering my second trimester, my taste buds are slowly turning crazily fickle.

A week ago, I craved so bad for nice, juicy grapefruits so my hubby bought me a real big one. I heartily ate about half of it. Two days later, I totally didn't want it anymore. I think I should give it away before it rots in the ref.

It's hard sometimes, when I crave something really bad, I can't eat anything else even though I know I'm hungry. But of course, for Jamaine's sake, I have to force myself to eat. Just imagine those times when you're sick, your taste buds seemed to have gone into hiding and everything tastes blah, but you have to force your food down so you will get better. I tell you, it's not a very happy feeling.

Good thing, I have some staple foods that I never get tired of eating like Nestle's Non-Fat Mango yogurt, Quaker Oats Chocolate Oatmeal, tuna, Yakult and fruits like bananas and oranges.

The real good thing about pregnancy is it pushes you to be a healthier eater. Everything I eat, Jamaine eats. And his / her growth and development all depends on how responsible I am when it comes to eating. So I'm almost close to eliminating all junk foods in my diet. Though, I still declare a "Chocolate and Ice Cream Day" once a week.

My OB says, if I watch my diet carefully, I will steadily gain weight and I won't have to worry about growing too fat. Last time I had my check up, I only gained a pound which is good because if I'm not too big, I'll be lessening the risk of having to go cesarean. And I NEVER, EVER wanna have a knife cut through me and leave a permanent mark on my skin. Call me vain, but just the thought of having a permanent scar due to childbirth scares me.

Besides, I really have to watch myself if I want to lose my pregnancy weight immediately after I give birth in April. We'll be having the big wedding in October next year and I'm giving myself an ultimatum to have my gown fitted by July. I know two months is a tough challenge but I have to get through it.

I've already picked out a few designs I like and I want to look really svelte in my wedding gown when I walk down the aisle.

Definitely a gorgeous wife and one hot momma!

The Ring

2006-10-08T10:19:00.001+08:00

Kernan and I lazily ate our breakfast as we watched "The Weatherman." Thursdays were mostly relaxed days for us, but today was more special. This was the day he was gonna buy me an engagement ring.

But I didn't want to pressure him about it. So I quietly ate my fried chicken smothered with banana catsup as thoughts of our engagement swam in my head.

I've seen pictures of engagement rings in wedding magazines and websites. Mostly white gold with chunky glittering diamonds all over, these rings are definitely things only a lot of money can buy.

Lucky for him, I'm not really an avid fan of jewelry. So when he asked me before what kind of ring I wanted, I simply said as long as it's not yellow gold and scary, I'd happily wear it.

Besides, I'm wondering more about "that moment" when he finally asks me to be his wife.

I know after four years and a baby on the way, our marriage would seem so automatic that it would hardly warrant a proposal.

But Kernan and I agreed that even if we'll have a civil wedding before our baby is born, we'll still hold the wedding of our dreams next year and Baby Jamaine will be there to make the realization of that dream the happiest moment of our lives. He / she may even be our baby ring bearer / flower girl!

So for now, we agreed that I'll wear an engagement ring and we'll exchange our real wedding rings next year.

And when he pops the question anytime soon, of course I'd answer a big resounding "YES!" I just wonder how it would feel like to actually be asked by someone to be his partner for life.

In the movies, leading ladies have it good. A lot of the movies Kernan and I watched together had romantic proposals.

Expensive diamond rings would surprisingly show up embedded in the main dish during an elegant dinner. Kindergarten kids would line up in the street holding flashcards with letters spelling out "W-I-L-L Y-O-U M-A-R-R-Y M-E?" The same question would magically show up in the clouds trailing a plane. And in the more dreamy, fantasy proposals, the ecstatic couple would end up kissing each other against a backdrop of grand fireworks lighting up the night sky.

My all-time favorite would have to be the proposal scene in Serendipity.

Sara Thomas (portrayed by Kate Beckinsale) comes home, opens the door and steps into a sea of rose petals adorning the floor. The room is lit by candles softly enough to illuminate a huge gift box in the middle of a table.

Excited and giddy, she rips off the wrapper and reveals one box after the other getting smaller and smaller. Finally, she takes hold of a dainty box. A ring box.

She opens it slowly and finds it empty. Just then, lover boy Lars Hammond (portrayed by John Corbett) swoops in with the ring in his hand. But the plot dictates that the ring won't fit so he had to force the ring down Sara's finger but it won't budge.

Fantasy ends here.

So we finished our breakfast and I headed to the office to finish some paperwork while Kernan went to meet his mom at Ongpin.

Somehow, later in the afternoon, I forgot about my marriage proposal fantasies. The culprit: a persistent ache that slowly creeped into my back and I couldn't make it go away. (Oh the woes of pregnancy!) I tried sitting down and standing up and shifting from left to right but the pain was still there.

It got so uncomfortable, I called Kernan and asked him to take me home. As I sat in the car, I tried to find the most comfortable position I could endure for the 5-minute ride home.

"Nabili mo na yung singsing?" I asked offhandedly.

"Yup, pero bukas ko pa makukuha," he said.

I didn't press for more details. All I wanted was to get home and lay my aching back on the bed. Oh yeah, and to get some dinner.

I craved baked potatoes but there were no Wendy's restos nearby. Kernan suggested Napoli's but pasta didn't quite appeal to my taste buds at that moment. He suggested Shakey's mojos, but I didn't like them either.

Finally, I decided on a chicken fingers sandwich, an apple pie, and apple juice from Burger King. With my takeout craving of the moment in hand, we quickly headed for home.

Upon arriving at the apartment, I quickly went to the kitchen to wash my hands and start muching on my dinner.

As I turned from the sink, hands wet and smelling of soap, Kernan said, "Mahal may itatanong ako sayo..."

Then he knelt on his right knee, whipped out a red box and asked,

"Will you marry me?"

He opened the box to reveal a white gold ring with a diamond nestled in the middle and slipped it into my ring finger.

"YES!"

A confusion of kisses, hugs and "I love yous" filled our kitchen.

I playfully slapped his tush, "Niloko mo pa ako kanina ha..."

The ring was a little bit loose on my lower finger but it felt like I was wearing a priceless treasure. Words can't describe perfectly how I felt at that moment. Perhaps, "I am the happiest woman in the world" would come a bit close.

So this is how it feels like, I thought.

Pure bliss.

We spent the next hour taking photos of me and my ring to send an MMS to friends but apparently the system was down. So I just settled down to eat my dinner with a big smile stuck to my face.

And that was how my marriage proposal went. No elegant dinners, planes writing on clouds, fancy gift boxes surrounded by rose petals or grand fireworks.

There was only me in our kitchen on an ordinary Thursday night, a white gold diamond ring and my loving Kernan kneeling on one knee asking me to spend the rest of my llfe with him.

Yet it felt like a magical scene from our own wonderful love story and I was the one and only leading lady.

Such a moment is priceless.

That night, I whispered a prayer of thanks to God for giving me so many blessings: a wonderful baby and a man who will love me and cherish me for the rest of our lives.

I slept with Kernan's hand clasped in my hand wearing my beautiful, beautiful ring.

The momentous night had ended but another chapter of our love story is just beginning.

One month ago

2006-10-07T17:34:00.000+08:00

As two violet lines slowly appeared on the white piece of plastic, a wave of anticipation washed over me.

Positive.

I'm going to have a baby.

And then it hit me. Fear rapidly replaced my excitement as I thought about my impending journey into motherhood.

Am I ready?

For a couple of days, I was in denial. Teetering between excitement and anxiety, conflicting thoughts shot through my head.

Finally, I'll have my own beautiful baby! I wonder how Kernan and I would look combined?

Is this true? Am I mature enough to raise a child and build a family? I'm so used to other people taking care of me!

In the mornings that followed, I would often look at my 26 inch waistline and flat belly and think, how can I possibly be carrying a baby?

I decided to ease all my doubts and fears and settle the matter once and for all.

***

Kernan and I held hands as we walked inside the Medical Arts Building. There were kids and pregnant women everywhere. In a few months time, that would be me.

We sat in the waiting area holding hands. It just felt reassuring for me knowing that I had someone to hold on to for strength.

Minutes later, the doctor's assistant came out and handed me an information sheet.

Age: 24. Status: Single. I thought about writing "in a relationship" but I guess that's just valid for Friendster.

Funny how I always thought my life would be typical and I'd follow the "straight path:" save up - get married - save up - have baby. I always thought my life would go according to plan.

But life doesn't always go according to plan. And I guess no matter how hard you try, you can never really be prepared for everything. Surprises spring up every now and then. Whether it's a "good" or "bad" surprise depends on how you take it.

And when life throws you curve balls out of the blue, you can't just stand there and let it hit you in the face. Either you catch it or you hit it back.

So this is me, catching the ball.

I may not be prepared and I may not know everything I need to be a perfect mom. But our baby is a wonderful surprise, a blessing whom I am receiving with open arms. And I am going to do the best I can to be the most loving mom in the world.

The doctor's assistant broke my reverie as she ushered us inside room. This is it.

The OB said I was about one to two months on the way, but I needed to get an ultrasound to be sure and some blood tests too.

I lay down on the cold bed staring at the blank computer screen. In a few minutes, I am finally meeting my baby.

Slowly, the OB probed through me looking for that tiny speck of life. And then, I saw him / her. My baby looked like a tiny bean.

I've seen countless ultrasound pictures, even the "In the Womb" documentary of National Geographic. But nothing could compare to the amazement, excitement and bliss I am feeling just looking at this little bean on a black and white computer screen. My baby. Our baby.

Age: 6 weeks and 6 days old. Birthdate:April 15, 2007

It almost seemed like my baby was waving at me, "Hi Mommy, I'll see you next year. I love you."

Hi my baby. Daddy and I can't wait to see you, We love you so much.

Remembering stillness

2006-07-19T20:31:00.000+08:00

Standing in front of the lake at the Pinatubo crater will always be one of my most treasured moments.

I treasure it so much that I had to have my picture taken. So much that I forgot to turn off the digicam's date. But I guess, it's better that I have it right there to help me remember.

I remember how I stood gazing at the lake for minutes on end, the moment we arrived and the next morning before we left.

I wanted so much to take it all in. I wanted to memorize every detail and keep a clear picture of that moment in my head. I was sure it would be a long time before I could experience that moment again.

Now, I feel the benefits of those moments.

Since I have started taking up meditation lessons at Brahma Kumaris, this memory helps me to focus on the feelings of peace.

I had my first class at 9 this morning and up until now, I feel so relaxed.

Though some things still cropped up that could potentially ruin my day, I slipped with irritation and defensiveness only for few moments and quickly reverted to my peaceful mode.

Though people may find it weird why I don't defend myself, it doesn't really matter. This stuff works for me.

I love my peace.

Brings me back to a journal entry I wrote last month when I first went to Brahma Kumaris (QC):

June 30, 2006 8:00 pm

I feel rejuvenated and a smile keeps spreading across my face. Right now, I have no other thoughts in my head other than peace, love and happiness.

People who saw me when I arrived thought I just had some, that's why I looked flushed. But I don't feel any need to explain. I finally went to Brahma Kumaris two hours ago and that was probably... no surely, one of the best decisions I've made.

Stepping into the meditation center was like coming home. Sister Vicky, one of the volunteers, met me at the door and led me in. She gave me some brochures which told me I just missed a session yesterday. Good thing I learned just in time that they have a Raja Yoga session tomorrow. I also met Sister Leni, whom I talked with on the phone and who suggested that I visit the center to see it for myself. She explained to me that all the sessions were free and that you can actually arrange a regular meditation session with your teacher.

I knew then that this is what I needed.

I badly need quiet time.

Solitude.

Silence.

Being surrounded by the four walls of the cubicle does something to you. All day you are subjected to various sights and sounds that would stress you.

People shouting at each other. Complaining. Cursing. Gossiping. Worrying. The sounds of the television open 24/7, the computer keyboard hit by frantic hands, phones ringing off the ook, cellphones blaring, the messages that won't stop coming...

No matter where you go, noise follows.

This is what I need, a serene place where I could let everything go and submit myself to silence.

After discussing the class schedules with Sister Leni, I was about to leave when an old woman came down from the second floor. Sister Leni introduced me to Sister Alma who welcomed warmly and told me to wait.

"What can we do for you, anak?" she asked. What an amazing woman, I never expected somebody I just met to ask how she can serve me.

"I need peace, sister," I said.

And then, that's when it all began, the most wonderful conversation I've ever had my whole life.
I hardly spoke a word but I felt as if Sister Alma understood what I felt and she seemed to answer all the questions in my head. She told me that I am a peaceful soul by nature and I only need to find that peace again. That my body is just like clothing and my real essence is my sould that is connected with all other things in the world.

She said that I should fill my mind with positive thoughts to attract good things in my life. That instead of wishing for others to change, I should change myself because therein lies my power. In a way, my change will influence others to change. There is no use pretending to be someone else. I should always be myself because what other people think of me is of little consequence compared to what I think of myself. She reminded me to never lose my self-respect and the respect of others.

My work, she said, should not be done to please my boss or other people, but to please myself. And most of all, to honor GOD. She encouraged me to follow my heart and recognize my mission in life because God gave me a unique talent that I can use to serve others. One that will also bring me happiness.

She told me that I should not be afraid of anything because fear attracts negative forces in your life. Instead, she told me to pursue my dreams and believe in my God-given talents. That I should not compete with anyone but myself.

She taught me the words "Om Shanti," the Brahma Kumaris greeting which means, "I am a being of peace and you are a being of peace."

I was so awed by the presence of this woman. Every word she spoke, was like a golden nugget of wisdom, and her gentle manner soothed my frayed nerves. She conversed with me with so much humor and lightheartedness, I felt as if I was speaking with a long-lost friend or perhaps, a mother and mentor. She told me about her victorious battle with cancer and how she feels she still has a mission to help others.

And she has done just that for me.

I hardly realized it was already 7:30 pm. She asked me to leave. I wasn't in the least bit surprised when she said that she was asking me to leave because I am not her visitor but because I am her adopted daughter and she's looking after my own good. I felt so touched by this gesture that I hugged her before I stepped out the door.

I was thinking how I should have taken down notes or recorded what she said so that I could re-wind and replay her pieces of advice when I needed them. When I told her this, she said there is no need for that because I will remember only what I need for now.

Only what I need for now.

I have never felt so relaxed in my life. It was as if a great boulder was lifted off my shoulders. Even when it took me a few minutes before I could hail a cab, I did not fret.

People passing by me at the sidewalk were throwing glances at me, perhaps thinking how could I look so happy. I wanted to tell them, I have found my peace because I've just come from the spa.

The spa for my soul.

***
For a little piece of peace, visit: www.bktagaytay.com

First day for Kythe!

2006-07-18T18:06:00.000+08:00

It was my first day to volunteer for Kythe last Friday. I chose UST Hospital for my first assignment because it was nearest to my home. Plus, UST will always have a special place in my heart.

I was met by Ms. Juliet Reyes, the friendly social worker at the Child Life Center. She took me on a mini-tour through the different pediatric wards, while saying the kids' names like they were written on her heart. I tried hard to remember all their names, while the names of their "cancer" types just passed me by. I didn't want to think too much that they were sick kids. If I did, it would be too heartbreaking for me to handle.

After we did the rounds, Ms. Juliet introduced me to Jessieriel, an 11-year old girl who had leukemia. She had short hair and round expressive eyes. Half of her face was covered with a cloth mask, for protection from germs that may be brought by outsiders like me. Jessie was preparing herself for chemo and approximately had to spend 2 - 3 more weeks in the hospital before she can go home.

I brought a Mickey and Goofy adventure story book from the Kythe playroom and started to read to her. I though storytelling would be easy. I mean what could be hard about reading a book to a kid? But it was harder than I thought. I was used to producing a story and telling them through videos and spiels. But now all I had was a book and a few colorful drawings.

Half-way through, I could see she was getting bored, but she remained polite and continued to listen to me, the amateur storyteller. The story was about Mickey and Goofy's search for Dr. Stan Livingstone, an explorer believed to be lost in the Bottomless Lake. In the end, Mickey and Goofy ate "five impossible berries" that made impossible things happen and they were able to rescue Dr. Stan.

Maybe if Jessie could have impossible berries of her own, she could get better right away. Well, that's just my wishful thinking.

After reading the story, I asked Jessie to tell her own story.

Unlike other girls her age who are into kikay stuff, Jessie said she loves pets. A lot.

Her two most favorite animals are cats and fishes. She told me she has a furry gray and silver cat named Muning back at her home in Pampanga. She also used to have a dog but it died years ago.

Turns out, Jessie is also an avid fan of Lovely Day. She even remembers the episodes last year! She remembered that pandas are slowly becoming extinct, our trek to Mount Pinatubo and Love's trip to Europe.

"Magkano po ba ang nagagastos niyo kapag nagpupunta kayo sa ibang bansa? (How much do you spend when you go abroad?"), she asked. I said we spend quite a lot.

She said she dreams of traveling to Paris to see the Eiffel Tower. I assured her that she will. She will get better and she will see the Eiffel Tower. I'm thinking of getting her a replica of the Eiffel Tower so she'll never lose sight of her dream.

We talked and talked like old friends. She would tell stories about her favorite pets and animal trivia. I could tell she's a real smart kid. When it was my turn, I would tell her behind the scenes stories and trivias from our shoots in Lovely Day. Before I knew it, it was past 3 pm and I had to go.

I remember the child life specialists recommended that first timers should volunteer for one hour, just enough to feel the groove of things. I didn't realize I had been talking with Jessie for 3 hours! I didn't feel the least bit depressed though. I had fun talking with Jessie.

As I was about to leave, I asked her what she wanted me to bring for our next session. I wanted to bring a fish but she said she's not allowed to hold animals anymore. She said she just wants an animal book about rare animals with lots of pictures. She said she wants to learn more about rare animals like that duck which is considered a mammal because it can produce milk for it's babies.

Before I stood up to say goodbye, I put my face near hers so we could "beso-beso" just like old friends. Though her mouth was covered with a mask, I could see she was smiling.

I thanked her for making my day. And for teaching me about the Platypus.

Late nights, broken relationships and the man who will grow old with me

2006-07-12T03:31:00.000+08:00

"Pare, dalawang araw ko nang hindi nakikita ang mga anak ko....t@*#%!" "Pano pag naghiwalay kami ng asawa ko dahil sa trabaho ko..."

Such is a lamentation I have heard more than once in this job. To be honest, I think Kernan and I might not have lasted this long had we not been in the same line of work. It's hard enough to deal with even when both of us are here.

I could only imagine how it is like for other couples who come from opposite sides of the working fence. If one of you has a high-stress job with irregular working hours and the other has a regular 8am - 5pm job, matching schedules to set aside some "quality time" can pose a real challenge. Distance unguarded may soon turn into animosity which could break any relationship.

If your partner lacks experience in TV production work, she/he may need to employ a great deal of patience for the waiting nights; endless understanding for the stress-induced mood swings and superhuman trust in an environment where there is high-risk for temptation. When all else fails, you can either quit the relationship or quit your job.

I can only pray that when the poor guy goes home to his wife and kids in the wee hours of the morning, he would not be met with a flying kick, slap or saucer but with warm and loving arms that would make all his exhaustion and stress fade way. Just a little reminder that some sacrifices are worth making.

***

Kernan is still busy "mastering" his new job.

I admit, I miss the late movie nights, going out and shopping for some "stuff" and scouring the city for new resturants for our impromptu dinners. But I know he's been working real hard and he needs all the support he can get now. And who else can give that better than his number one fan? (Me!)

I have been observing certain positive changes in him lately. Despite the constant stress, I observed that he's become more levelheaded, he rarely gets pissed off with the little things and handles all difficulties in stride. He even told me that now he's learning how to recognize things he cannot change and accept them as they are.

It's as though he's undergone some sort of transformation. And I'm thankful he did.

I'm thankful that after all these years, we're still growing together.

I'm thankful that despite the forces around us that pull us away from each other, we have managed to stay strong together.

My college friend Cai used to say she'd like to find a man with whom she can "drink milk and eat cookies with," a man who would grow old with her. Then, I thought if such a man could possibly exist.

And now, I know he does.

***

You know, I will be the woman who'll grow old with you.

I love you so much.

Defenseless

2006-07-09T17:44:00.000+08:00

I have always been a quiet person.

I rarely speak not because I don't have anything to say or I don't know what to say, but because I learn more from listening to people. Usually, I just like to think. And when there are times that the emotion is too hard to contain, I write them down.

There have been times when I have hurt some people due to some impulsive outbursts. Family, friends and lovers. Though I felt a certain release just being able to say what I wanted to say, most often the satisfaction is fleeting. It is almost always replaced by pain, knowing that I had hurt that person, and by guilt, knowing that I can never take those words again.

Since then, I have taught myself to think over and over before saying anything because I know that such carelessness on my part is at the expense of another's feelings. I take comfort in the silence of my thoughts.

I used to think that if I was careful like that, people would....should do the same to me. Shouldn't we be treated the way we treat others? But they don't. Because that's the injustice, nay, the fact of life. You can neither expect or demand other people to change for you.

I know now, I should do something because it's my choice, because that's how I want to live my life. I know now that in every situation, no matter who or what is involved, I always have a choice.

And right now, I choose to be defenseless.

Like any other human being, I am not one to readily admit mistakes. (Who is?) Actually, I used to be that way. Used to be because I know I need to change my perspective if I want to live in peace. It's a slow process, but I am gaining ground on my weakness, inch by inch.

It's never easy to take responsibility for something you know wasn't directly your fault. It's not fair to be held liable for another person's shortcomings. It hurts when you feel like all others see is what you've done wrong.

Your knee-jerk reaction would be to raise your arms, defend yourself and deny any responsibility. Your immediate thought would be, "when you seek wrong in others, you are likely to find it." You would feel that after everything you've done, this is what you get in return.

During confrontations, the emotion and the indignation used to be too much for me to handle so I used to shift between extremes -- either I rise up vehemently defensive or stoop down and cry.

But now, things have changed, and so have I.

I am trying to accept things as they come. I will not throw blame or push another person off the cliff to save myself. I will accept my responsibility where it is due.

I will not get affected by what other people say or think of me because that is as far as they go. I know I have a choice whether I'll hold the knife by the blade or by the handle. I know I can choose to listen to them, and separate the chafe from the grain. I will only take what I need and I will move on. No grudges, no hurt feelings.

I will choose to be silent.

I will relinquish the need to defend myself because I know that keeping my inner peace is a great deal more important than proving that I am right.

Time for change

2006-07-08T13:32:00.000+08:00

Finally visited my blog after the longest time, and now I feel it's somewhat ancient. I reread my older entries, and I realized how much has changed and how many things have happened since then.

June has become somewhat a turning point for me. Kind of like a New Year in the middle of 2006.

June 10 was when Kernan and I marked our fourth anniversary. Yes it's almost a month and we haven't celebrated yet. But I feel no frustration. I am happy just knowing we've made it through a very tough year. Everyday is a celebration for us. And we love each other more.

June 10 was also when Lovely Day celebrated its second anniversary. Every day leading up to and after the anniversary was a blur. I had little time to eat and sleep. One day crossed over to the next and I was always disoriented as to what day it was. For the first time since I entered this show, I felt so stressed and haggard.

My weight dropped and some people even thought I was OD-ing the herbal pills I was taking. In reality, I had stopped taking the pills and it was the stress that was making me drop the pounds so fast. Now people tell me, they liked me more when I had my cheeky look, when just a few months ago, they were telling me I looked fat.

I was tired and aimless. I became so uptight and tense as if I was walking on egg shells all the time. I would brood over the most trivial things. I would create my own heartaches and problems. It was as if I was directing and acting in my own real-life soap opera!

And then, I just stopped.

This must be what Oprah means by an AHA! moment.

I just realized, this is now way to live my life. This is the only one I have now and there's no way I'm gonna waste it.

It's time for me to change.

I'm trying something new now. Call it significant life changes, a return to love....I can't exactly define what it is.

All I know is that things are starting to go right. And I feel so much more peaceful and happy. My life is far from perfect but I have accepted it for what it is. The people I deal with are still nowhere close to becoming angels and saints, but I have accepted them for who they are. I know someday, when the time is right, they'll reach that turning point too.

For now, I leave you something worthy of some thought:

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

TWO REASONS FOR MY ABSENCE

2006-05-20T20:31:00.000+08:00

Thanks to Tin for reminding me to make time to read good books. Hopefully, when I return, I would be more inspired and enlightened.

I am now a surfing addict

2006-04-22T18:11:00.000+08:00

I'm back in Manila, burnt and bruised but I'm definitely going back to San Juan, La Union. Even as I'm typing all these documents for work, I could almost hear the sound of waves crashing with the surfboard. I can't wait to go back!

Day 1: Newbie surfers

I met up with Kernan, Ate Cres and her friend Lian, Stephen and his girl Abby at GMA at around 9pm on Thursday. We were told by the Partas operator days before that the last trip to La Union would leave at 12 midnight, so we had enough time to brave the long lines. In barely 10 minutes, we were at the Partas terminal in Aurora.

When we got there, there were no lines before the counter. We thought we must be so lucky, we didn't have to line up. As we were about to enter, the guard stood in our way, "Closed na po, nakaalis na po yung huling bus kanina pa." "Eh sabi ng operator, 12 midnight ang huling biyahe ah." "Biyernes Santo po kasi bukas, wala nang biyahe. Try niyo po sa Dominion, 24 hours ang biyahe dun."

Good thing, there was a a cab waiting right across Partas. He agreed to squeeze all six of us in for 80 pesos. We knew that was too much for such a short distance, but what the heck, we needed to find a bus fast.

When we got to the Dominion terminal, there was already a short line in front of the ticket counter. The dispatcher said, the La Union bus would be leaving at 10pm. Well, that was even better than what we expected. If the bus driver was good, we'll arrive in La Union at around 4am.

Save for the big hole (which was supposed to be the aircon) that blasted cold air on my head, the bus ride was alright. As long as the seats can be reclined, I can travel in peace. We had two stop overs, one in Tarlac and another one I can't remember. The food at the canteens was no good and their comfort rooms stink really bad but commuters can't be choosers. I was asleep most of the time so I wouldn't have to battle with motion sickness.

The driver was good though. At around 3am, we arrived at Sea and Sky hotel which was right along the highway. We were checked in in one of their suites. But don't be fooled by the word suites, because it is far from luxurious.

There was a queen bed in the mezzanine and a sofa bed and a pull-out bed downstairs, so 5-6 people are just the right fit. There was a small cable TV and a small ref with surprisingly inexpensive snacks. Unlike most hotels that would charge you 50 pesos for a small bag of chips, the snacks were priced the same as in sari-sari stores.

I'm such a stickler for comfort rooms so I immediately checked out the CR. It was spacious enough but the shower area had a very rusty drain like it has been there for ages. It was also hard to take a bath because the shower head only manages to spew out a weak spray of water droplets. Could have used the faucet but it was placed so low and the hotel didn't have tabo and timba.

One thing nice about the suite though was that it had a veranda with a view of the beach and the small pool at the ground floor. I guess for 2,800 a night, it wasn't so bad. If you're planning to check in there, it would cost u less to bring a number of friends. Plus, bring your own tabo.

Anyway, we went to sleep at around 4 am and woke up at around 9am. The hotel was 10 minutes away from the surf resort, so we had to take a jeep going there. Nine bucks per person sure beats walking since it's actually quite far.

When we got to San Juan Surf Resort, there were already a lot of people in the water. We had to wait since all the boards were rented out. So we decided to order breakfast from their bar. This is where it get's quite expensive since their menu prices are what we would call "foreigner prices." A decent corned beef breakfast costs around 115 pesos. Mental note to self: next time, bring your own baon.

After about an hour, we finally got our own board. Surfboard rental was 200/hour while the instructor's fee is 150 per hour. We decided to rent the board out for the whole day at 800 pesos and just pay our instructor's fees by the hour.

Kuya Jojo, our surf instructor, taught us the basics at the beach.

Lie flat on your stomach.
Raise left foot to get ready.
Paddle, paddle, paddle!
Lift yourself up from the board and position your feet in the middle.
Find your balance and glide!

Sounds easy but it really is hard. I took me two turns and a gallon of saltwater to tackle a baby wave. But when you're finally standing up and gliding on water, the exhilirating feeling is more than you could ever imagine. Now I understand why some people are so passionate about the sport.

When we had the second round in the afternoon, it was much harder since there were alot of people in the water and waves were bigger. I only managed wobbling for a few seconds before I finally hit the water.

If you're planning to take up surfing, be prepared to get burnt in the sun, bonked on the head and bruised by the board. I can't count the number of times the board rammed into my stomach, knees, thighs, flew high into the wave and landed right smack on my head. To say surfing is rough would be an understatement.

All wet and salty, we rode the jeep back to the hotel at around 6pm. We took a quick shower and headed down for dinner at Sea and Sky restaurant.

Finally, a redeeming factor. Sea and Sky Restaurant's food tastes good. If you ever go there, try their Fish Marinara which has a hefty serving of rice, tanguige drenched in Marinara sauce, crispy kangkong and fried bananas. It's certainly a treat after a rough day.

Day 2: Big Waves, Big Bruise

Next morning, we checked out of Sea and Sky and checked in at San Juan Surf Resort. Their cottages for two costs 1150 pesos/room per night. The rooms were quite simple but spacious. The cable TV was larger, there was a small ref and a gas stove for cooking. The CR was smaller but very clean and the shower sprayed a steady stream of water. And the best thing of all, it's just a few steps from the beach.

Still hurting from the previous day's beating, Kernan and I decided to stay in and watch the 7th Heaven marathon. At 4pm, the sun was on its way down so we decided to head out to the beach. This time, I saw a few local celebrities hanging out. My wild guess: they were Boracay regulars who got tired of its commercial feel and crowded shores.

There were only a few people surfing so I thought this would be a perfect chance for us to beat the waves. I was so wrong. The waves were bigger and faster and harder.

The whole afternoon was a series of: "Paddle, paddle, paddle!" Followed by a "Crash! Glub...glub...glub.." I'm sure I almost made a 360-turn underwater.

A number of frustrating tries later and a big bruise on my left thigh and right hip, I gave up.
We headed to the cottage, took a nice long shower and watched the rest of the 7th heaven marathon. Before dinner, Kernan and I decided to tally our expenses for the whole vacation. It turned out to be a fairly inexpensive trip at a little over 3,000 pesos for transportation, accommodation, food and surfing. Not bad for a super thrill. I remember we spent around 5,000 each for Galera.

After dinner, we went to the beach for the surf camp party. There was quite a crowd gathering across the makeshift stage. Good thing, Ate Cres had an "important" friend who was able to get us next to the stage. Momscake was performing. Their vocalist had an attention-grabbing Mr. T spiked hair and a long dress of sorts. He was performing all out, singing with all his might, complete with re-enactment of his songs. I think they're a new band but they're quite good. Their songs are not really kid-friendly but they're pretty funny.

Their second set was even better. This time the vocalist was wearing a long black dress while he sang about "his life" and how he transformed from a man into a woman. The next song, he ended up wearing an oversized diaper as he breakdanced on the sand. Crazy but funny. People got so excited, they started to dance on the makeshift stage. One girl even ended up puking right in the middle of the stage. Talk about a memorable night.

Day 3: Heading for home

The next morning, we headed for the Partas bus station where a number of people have already lined up. After a few minutes, one guy went out of the ticketing counter and said something like there were no more buses and the ticketing had to stop. When we asked the man at the ticket counter, he said there were still buses coming, but ticketing had to stop because he had to take a cigarette break. It took us about an hour to get tickets because of the long line and the ticket man's "yosi break." That's customer service for you.

The ride back home was longer. It took us three stopovers and six hours before we finally arrived in Manila. Kernan and I stopped at Shakey's for dinner before heading home.

I got home tired and bruised but harboring a new addiction.

I'm definitely going to back to surf in La Union.

I love days like these

2006-04-13T20:10:00.000+08:00

I have been on vacation mode early in the week. Actually, I feel like I'll be in vacay mode for the whole month with visions of beaches in my head.

I've been staying home for the past couple of days and I'm really enjoying it. My lola has just arrived from Italy and everyone's excited to have her home. She's radiant as ever but she looks thinner and walks slower. I guess her age has finally caught up with her after she has evaded it for years. I don't think she'll be coming back to Italy anymore.

I have also found a new hobby courtesy of my little brother, I'm finally learning how to play the guitar!I've always wanted to learn the guitar since highschool, mostly because I was in awe of my schoolmates who had their own bands. When I couldn't get my fingers to like the strings, I wanted to learn the drums so I could play during our cheering competitions but I ended up being a cheerdancer instead.

At least now, I can finally cross out "learning how to play a musical instrument" from my to-do list. I'm very rough on the edges but I can play OPMs with the easy chords like Hale's "Kung Wala Ka," Eraserhead's "Huwag Mo Nang Itanong" and Moonstar 88's "Torete." I can also play the acoustic version of "Crazy for You" with a few halts here and there, but I'm still perfecting it.

One thing I discovered, it's so hard to play the guitar and sing at the same time. I now have a newfound admiration for musicians. Maybe when I get better at it, I'll get my own guitar too. I hope they have it in pink!

***

I've been raring to go back to the beach since our Palawan trip. And now I'm getting my wish. And the best thing of all, it's for pleasure.

In a few hours, we will be leaving for La Union. We're off to the San Juan Surf Resort. Yipee!

We're just taking the bus because none of us is willing to drive that long but I'm sure the long ride's gonna be worth it.

Will post pictures when we get back.

Have a great weekend!

:)

I wish I could say it was a happy day

2006-03-30T01:23:00.000+08:00

But it wasn't.

Sometimes you just have those days when however happy you want to be, something can just trip you and send you throttling down to the dumps.

First, we woke up late and therefore had a rushed morning. I discovered tiny whiteheads on my cheeks, a result of last night's laziness to wash my face. So I had to do some quick damage control and settle for some low maintenance look = tinted moisturizer + eyelash curler + lip balm + gloss.

Then I noticed that my pink blouse didn't feel quite right so I quickly threw a jacket on to cover up. I crunched some hair shine through my dripping wet hair, quickly brushed a few strokes and I whisked myself out the door.

Great.

I made it to my edit sked and got down to work without breakfast. Minutes later, Kernan called. He had an accident. Thank God, it was a minor one.

As he was driving along Ortigas, the vehicle before the taxi in front of him suddenly halted causing the taxi to suddenly stop and him to bump the taxi's rear. He admitted it was his fault and so he had to settle with the taxi driver.

Okay, not a very good day for both of us but there was no time to even worry about it. We had deadlines to meet.

Toward the end of the day, I received some bad messages. And I mean really bad. So bad that you want to flare up and throw some cuss words back.

But as I always tell myself, choose love over hate. Peace over war. Never stoop down to the lowest level.

And so I remained silent.

I couldn't bear to end the day with bad things on my mind so I took the best solution I know: go out on a date.

I invited Kernan out for dinner at Shakey's and we feasted on pizza, pasta and chicken. To hell with diets. Tonight we're gonna enjoy.

There I was tired, unmade up and hungry. But in the middle of dinner, I caught Kernan looking at me from across the table and he said, "Mahal, you look so beautiful tonight."

Wow.

Here's a guy who has seen me almost everyday for the last three years and nine months and he still thinks I'm beautiful.

Throughout dinner, he would crunch up funny faces like this and I couldn't help but laugh. I've got to be the grouchiest grouch if I didn't.

I guess no matter how bad my day has been, just being with you makes me feel everything will be alright.

You have stood by me through everything and i just know you'll be there always.

No wonder, you're the only man I will ever love for the rest of my life.

I guess I was wrong when I said that it wasn't a happy day.

Because when I'm with you, it's always like the happiest day of my life.

"Always choose love"

2006-03-19T20:35:00.000+08:00

I love times like these when I can just stop and hear myself think.

Thankfully, work has simmered down a bit and we're getting to spend weekends at home. With the rat race we have gotten ourselves into, weekends have really become precious commodities for us -- so precious that we become "selfish" as to how we spend it. But hey, times like these are rare. It's back to the race before you know it and sometimes you just have to grab some free time for yourself.

Picked up my old journal and opened to this page, just remembered an old love advice I wrote for myself, something I know I ought to keep in mind all the time:

May 4, 2004

Wow, two years. If I told them we would go this far, they wouldn't believe
me. But we have, and we intend to be together for a lifetime. We didn't need to
prove ourselves to anybody. We love each other and we will do all that it takes
to make it work.

True, there comes a time when you feel that the excitement has gone and
everything is too familiar. But relationships are not just about magical sparks.
This kind of excitement and mystery is something the two of us should work on.
It's up to us to nourish the relationship.

IN THE END, ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE.

It's been a good day

2006-03-17T19:43:00.000+08:00

Although things haven't been all that perfect lately, I want to look at every day as a good day. Or at least try to find something good about it. I guess when you ~~get older~~ add years to your age, you just learn to bitch less and appreciate more. Whether it's people, things or circumstances, being thankful about the good things in life packs on less stress and more happiness all around.

I'm happy today.

:)

***

Kernan is going home tomorrow from his shoot in Pampanga. Yipee!

Make that double happy.

:D

My New Year started in February

2006-03-03T19:47:00.000+08:00

Let's just say, January was one hell of a month I'd rather not recall.

There was just too much pain and I know I didn't go unscathed. But I guess what matters more is I've survived - WE've survived one of our biggest trials yet. I consider myself blessed because not everybody gets a second chance.

The lesson I learned the hardest way: never take the one you love for granted.

***

I've been going from one out of town trip to another for the last 2 months, which explains why I have been absent for sooooo long.

I've survived a trek to Mount Pinatubo, discovered the historical wonder of Corregidor, partied in Iloilo and retraced my steps in Baguio.

I've accumulated a lot of pictures and stories which I haven't got the time to document. But I'm planning to sit down and do that when I finally get to breathe freely. I'm afraid my long term memory might fail me one of these days and all those stories might disappear in oblivion.

Tomorrow, I'm leaving for Dimakya Island in Coron, Palawan. It's back to Club Paradise. Back to the world of Varsi memories.

Club Paradise was where we spent the Varsi Teambuilding Seminar and Outgoing's Night in Summer 2000.

I wonder how much has changed since then.

***

I've turned a year older last month.

My birthday celebration wasn't all that memorable though. I had a "Creativity Seminar" the whole day and I only got to squeeze in a quick dinner with Kernan at Dad's before returning to the office to write my script. :(

After all these years, I guess I've gotten used to not celebrating events on their actual date and just celebrating whenever we can.

Maybe when I get a free weekend, I'd go on a belated birthday celebration wherever I want. Now that's something to look forward to.

Wow. I'm 24.

I guess I should stop aging at 25.

More updates soon.

Have a great weekend! :)

YAHOO!

2005-12-19T21:37:00.000+08:00

It's over.

No more sleepless nights.

No more rushed fastfood dinners.

No more contortionist sleeping positions on the office swivel chair.

The mad rush to produce advance stories is finally over, and right now I have two stress-free weeks to celebrate the holidays.

Yahoo!

***

We celebrated the company Christmas party last Friday.

I don't know if everybody was just too stressed to be in party mood but I remembered happier celebrations. The Christmas presentations weren't very grand and unique. But what really irked me the most was the food situation.

The food service was no good at all. It took a whole two hours before they served the set meal so it was already cold. It didn't even taste good. It took a whole hour before they served our drinks and everbody was just pissed at how slow the caterer's response time is. One of the kids was already crying of hunger.

All I can say is, if you can't handle a catering situation systematically, then don't get the job at all. You just made our Christmas party even sadder than it is. I think it's gonna be quite a long time before I will eat Japanese again.

Oh, last but not least, they gave out more than a hundred prizes (in cash and in kind) during the raffle and I didn't win a single one (and so did a hundred others).

But it wasn't all bad. There were a few redeeming values, like: the grand fireworks every other hour, the unknown but great band that kept us on our feet for hours, our department winning the Christmas presentation contest (thanks to Dance Diva Nestie's all out performance), and the most awaited announcement of all time: the Christmas bonus!

I went home at around 3am, quite disappointed and exhausted. I flopped on my bed and woke up for lunch hours later. It was time to get ready for the V Amihans Christmas party.

The Amihans

Amihans is a collective term for the alumni staff of our University paper, the Varsitarian. There are Amihan groups for every "era" but the motto is always the same, "Once a V, always a V."

Our group was pretty tight when we were still in college. So tight, that we spent more time at the publication office more than our classrooms. Even then I was already in the habit of not going home for days on end since we had to spend overnights at the office to finish the issues. (But that's another story.)

Anyway, after graduation, we would meet up every now and then and have GTGs (our term for get togethers). We would reminisce over coffee the good ol' days and how ______ is still in love with _______ or how _______ bashed _______ so fiercely, or how the dark room holds the secrets of ________, _________ and _________.

The number of GTGs dwindled as the years passed, at least for me. I got eaten by my busy schedule and almost lost all contact with my friends. The Christmas party was a yearly thing since we all bid our goodbyes at the V, but I think I was absent in two of them.

So this year, I didn't think twice in confirming my attendance when I got an invitation from Kuya Ipe (our former Editor in Chief and ~~father~~ pillar of the group). This was an event I'm not going to miss ever again.

A and I met up at Megamall to buy gifts for our "babies" before we set out to Kuya Feli's house in Dimasalang, a historical place in V books because it was our third home next to the office.

Good thing my Kernie was patient enough to tag along and keep me on my shopping course so I won't get distracted by screaming SALE! SALE! SALE! signs all over the mall. He even drove us to Kuya Feli's house (my kernie's such a sweet baby!)

I wanted him to stay but he had to go home to Laguna to visit his parents. He won't be seeing them much for the holidays because this week is their team's airing week for Extra (bugger!)

When we arrived, everyone was almost there. There was a lot of great food at the table courtesy of Louie and Carli's loving hands. They went early to cook for us (awww....)

I wanted to take a lot of pictures but the house was a wee bit dark and my camera phone's no good. Too bad. ( Makes me more convinced that i really ought to invest in a digicam.) I'll try to upload some of the photos my friends took later.

Kuya Feli brought out his collection of old V photos, he has one of the most extensive collections among all the members of the V. Name the event and he has it.

Memories.... memories....memories....

Of drunken nights, past Miss Varsi beauty pageants, old flames, overnights at the office for the last presswork day that would never end...

There was a tinge of past happiness and pain here and there. A friend pointed to an old picture.

Friend: Jayme, tignan mo si __________ o? Yihee... (Jayme, look it's ___________. Yihee....)"
Me: Ah ok....
Friend: Nagkita na ba kayo uli? (Have you seen each other yet?)
Me: Not yet.
Friend: Kung nakita niya lang kung gaano ka na kaganda ngayon. (if only he saw how beautiful you are now.)

He was part of the past. And there's no pain anymore, just questions. But I didn't dwell on it as much because I was too busy examining how different we looked then.

My hair then was still short (some would mistake me for a lesbian) and unruly. I still wasn't kikay enough to discover the wonders of the blowdryer then so I would always plop a gunk of Suave hairdressing cream on my hair (ewww...) just to keep it tame. My face still had pimple scars and was always so oily, a result of my crazy astringent overdose.

Thank God for a huge sense of self confidence, I still thought I was pretty.

After earning my own money and discovering Cosmopolitan magazine years later, I became a changed woman.

***

The night was young and reminiscing shouldn't take over.

It was time for charades!

A V Christmas party will never be complete without charades.

The group was divided in 2 with Carli as the moderator. The prize money grew from 500 pesos to 1,500. So competition was very stiff.

After a few rounds, Paul our Comm Arts grad turned Nursing student just got news that he passed the licensure exams. (Congrats Paul!) He was so ecstatic he generously donated 500 pesos more to the pot. Thus the competition moved from stiff to fierce.

Everyone was all eyes and ears as we threw our best members to act out the clues. Incidentally, the hardest ones always fell on our group. But I won't use that as an excuse for losing the game. Blame it on comprehension slowed down by food and holiday chill (still not an excuse...he..he...) We almost won had we guessed the song "Rainy Days and Mondays" by the Carpenters.

But there were no sore losers. Because no one came home with the prize money. We all trooped to Starbucks Morato after the game and spent all the money on coffee and drinks for everybody.

This time, the lighting was okay so I took some pics.

Carli and Luwi, the cooks and life of the party

Marisse and Doc Gerald, they're not a couple but I think they look cute together (hint! hint!)

My boy - friend Paul, still ecstatic and all smiles

A, the other life of the party and my bestest girl

Modelo kami

Modelo trio

The firing squad

This our end of the table, there are still 16 others on the opposite side

At past 3am, there were plans of going to the Simbang Gabi at UST at 4am, but I was too tired to go.

It was a great party. One that reminds me how blessed I am to have such equally great friends. Didn't realize how much I've missed them til then. I know I should appreciate them more.

***

A, Nay Carli, Kuya Feli, Sir Jere, Kuya Ipe, Adrian, Kris, Leah, Barbs, Dexter, Alder, Brix, Christian, Sheila, Marisse, Lyn, Louie, Paul, and Doc Gerald:

Thanks Guys for a wonderful Christmas party! You make me feel so blessed to have friends. Can't wait for the next get together!

And so the villains have returned

2005-12-15T00:18:00.000+08:00

With the year about to end, the villains decided to have a meeting and cook up an evil plan: take revenge over the Lovely Day gang.

For the past months, everyone has seen how they have been defeated by the four friends, their evil plans always foiled by the power of the group's innate goodness. (Of course, in our world, good always triumphs over evil.)

Goblin talks to the Dark Lord (the glowing stone in the middle), and summons black, er reddish purple powers.

The Witch is trying to think of a new spell to cast all evil.

While White Lady stays quiet and expressionless...

The ~~Bitch~~ Black Queen strikes a pose. (Just realized that I'm the only one without a mask. Well, my bad make- up makes me look bad anyway.)

This is not the original dress I wore, and my make up was much better. But we were after a deadline so there was no time to be picky. The only thing comforting me were my comfy wedges.

To complete the reunited villains is Shadow, the first and ultimate villain of the gang. Oh, he doubles as director too.

The shoot went on for a couple of hours, we entertained ourselves with taking more pictures...

Me and Godj (Witch)

With Farley (White Lady)

The Queen and her mortal lover

But it was almost 12 midnight and I was getting really sleepy...

After the shoot, we thought it would be nice to have a portrait of our first (and perhaps last) reunion, unmasked.

The bad thing is, I was able to bring all my facial stuff (toners, spot gel and moisturizer) except my facial wash, and the horrible make up was making my face feel real itchy. Good thing Ron brought his Nivea facial wash. It was labelled "For Men," so my face smelled like after shave after but it was strong enough to wash all that goop from my face.

Good as new!

Just in case, you forget how I really look like. :)

Seems like I beat the record this time

2005-12-13T05:07:00.000+08:00

It's almost 5am, and I'm still alive!

It must be the loads of chocolate wafers, crinnkles and pretzels I had for snacks and the Jollibee chickenjoy I had for dinner.

Too much food for one day, I must say. It's certainly not the way to compensate for lost sleep, but I'm falling into that trap! I could almost see warning sirens flashing their red beams in my tummy.

Warning! Warning! Flab attack!

As I said, all this work has cost me time at the gym and I'm feeling quite sluggish again. Oh and my jeans seem to be getting tighter (or is it just my imagination?) Very bad.

Besides, my membership expires on Sunday and I've already wasted a week. It's a good thing, those guys at the Mojo Gym thought of coming up with that monthly payment scheme so I won't be worrying about wasting a whole year's worth of membership dues whenever a busy sked comes up.

I swear, ~~tomorrow~~ later, I'm going to the gym no matter what.

***

We shot the spiels for the Lovely Day Villains Reunion last night starring Shadow, Goblin, Witch, White Lady and ~~Bitch~~ Black Queen a.k.a moi.

Pictures to be uploaded after I get some sleep.

Zzzzz....

Smile though your heart is stressing...

2005-12-11T01:58:00.000+08:00

It's almost 3 am.

I haven't had a decent sleep since Monday and I feel like i'm floating. I guess that's why I finished my script in the slowest time possible. My brain is starting to shut down. My eyes could barely stay open.

This is one of those weeks when I hardly noticed a day pass by. I guess because I'm awake most of the time I didn't realize when it was day or night. My back is aching and screaming for a massage.

I tried to smile but Is it obvious that I look harassed? (Read: enlarging eye bags! Grrr....)

My friends say I looked like I lost weight.

Still, I feel like I've aged 5 years after five days.

Good thing, I can still keep sane.

How exactly do I do that?

Listening to WAVE through a Pink Panther FM Radio tuner (bought this for P99 at Watson's, cute)
Finishing a whole pack of Orbits
Wearing my fuschia poncho which keeps me warm in this freezer of an office.
The only thing consoling me is the thought that I get to spend Christmas at home for two weeks after this hectic week.

***

It' s weird how sometimes we know exactly what to do and don't do it anyway.

We torture ourselves, push ourselves to the edge, crash and break into a million pieces until there's nothing left.

Yes, some decisions are harder to make than others. But sometimes, you just have to go ahead and do it. Live with it. Face the consequences.

If it means your peace of mind. If it means you'll be free from your own prison. If it means you'll have a happier life.

This one of those inevitable things that comes with being old enough to decide for yourself.

Think it over.

Decide.

***

I know exactly what to do.

But I'm scared to do it.

Lovely Jewel in the Palace

2005-12-05T22:27:00.000+08:00

Last weekend, we brought one of our fantasies to life and made our own spin-off of Jewel in the Palace.

No it wasn't some spoof to make fun out of the Koreanovela. It was more of a general feature on Korean culture: food, costumes, martial arts and herbal medicine.

Since we were short on actors, the staff ended up acting for the different bit parts.

Shao was cast as the scheming Madame villain and I was her assistant.

Well, actually they said I looked more like a concubine.

But I didn't want to be a concubine. Not when the king looks as ~~scary~~ stern as him.

The three servants had to make sure he was well taken cared of.

But behind her smiles, the scheming Madame Shao was out to destroy the king. She was able to fool the servants and the palace guards.

Maybe partly because we were too busy taking pictures, we forgot to keep close watch on what's happening in the palace.

So poor Bei-bei was accused of poisoning the King and no one can do anything to protect her. She was handed down a death sentence.

What happens to the palace?

Watch the drama unfold in Lovely Day, Saturday, December 10 on GMA 7.

Drama Queen

2005-12-02T20:28:00.000+08:00

I came home at 12 last night, sleepless and tired.

I was feeling a little depressed over how things are going. I've been extremely stressed for the past days what with tons of workload and the pressure of balancing (and pleasing) two bosses. We have also lost to the competition for a number of consecutive episodes and I guess everybody's morale has sunken more than it should.

I have also been spending less and less time with my family and Kernan. Now I'm the one who is always busy, so busy that at the end of the day there's just no time go out anymore. Home has been reduced to a sleeping quarter and my meals consist of drive-thru fastfood, swiftly eaten inside the pick up during the 10 minutes it takes to go back to the office.

I look at the five figures on my payslip and wonder if all this stress is worth the money.

Don't get me wrong. I love my job. But I guess, love is really not enough, even in the workplace.

I finally admitted to myself, I am not a superwoman.

I can't do it all.

So there I was, lying on my bed staring at the white ceiling trying to make sense out of the mess in my head, when I suddenly thought of getting my old beaten copy of "Don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff."

I opened the book absentmindedly and landed on this page:

TURN YOUR MELODRAMA INTO A MELLOW-DRAMA

It's like Richard Carlson whacked me right smack on the head. I know my life is not a soap opera so I should not act like it is.

Okay, I've had my time to sulk, feel depressed and be selfish. But I have to remind myself that there are far bigger problems than these and I shouldn't be too self absorbed.

I just need a good night's sleep and tomorrow I can start over. Then I'll figure out what to do with this crazy schedule.

***

And so tomorrow comes.

I started the day early for our scheduled shoot in Calamba, Laguna. Everything went fairly well. But now, I'm back at the office, waiting for my editing schedule to start. God knows, what time I'll go home again tonight.

It's like I'm back to square one.

***

Whenever I feel low, I try to think of happy memories to keep me afloat.

Right now, my favorite memory is our Puerto Galera trip. Three days spent on the beach was heaven.

I wish a genie would appear and whisk me and Kernan off to Boracay.

***

Most comforting message of the day:

Mahal, before nasa situation mo ko, you were always there to support me, ganun din ako sayo ngayon. I'll be more patient and understanding with your sked.

I love you so much.

Can hardly wait

2005-11-28T21:06:00.000+08:00

I've always loved Christmas songs and twinkling lights.

Though the past days have been stressful, knowing that Christmas is just a few weeks away makes me feel a bit more cheerful.

Christmas is a holiday our job recognizes. This is the time of year when I can stay home for weeks and spend time with my family. December also marks our 3-years-and-6th-monthsary and kernan's 25th birthday so there are a lot of reasons to celebrate.

Not long after, it would be New Year and then my birthday and then our fourth anniversary in June.... I'm getting ahead of myself.

Time flies swiftly, good thing I can still catch up.

Can't wait til Christmas.

***
Kernan is arriving from Subic in a few hours. Yay!!!

He's been away since Friday and I miss him terribly. It doesn't help that people at the gym keep asking me why we haven't been together lately, it just makes me miss him more.

He was supposed to arrive this morning but heavy rains spoiled their shoot yesterday so they had to extend.

My loneliest moment is always the day before his arrival so I sent him this MMS.

Malungkot ako kasi miss na miss na kita.
Ngingiti lang ako kung uuwi ka na. Uwi ka na agad bukas ha. I love you.

Cheesy, cheesy me.

Can't wait til he comes home.

***

My old elementary classmate and friend Mai is having her wedding in December.

Wow.

I'm amazed how she and her hubby to be were able to carry out all their wedding preps without a hitch at such a manageable cost. They even made their own invites. And she's just around my age. (Congrats, Mai!)

When I was younger, I would always dream about how I would get married when I was 24 or 25. I wanted to wear a flowing pink wedding dress, with my hair in gorgeous curls studded with pink pearls as I ~~walked~~ floated in the Church's aisle. I would live in a nice bungalow house with a lawn, garden and pool. My hubby and me will have have three kids, two boys and one girl in the middle.

I would play that scene over in my mind, I couldn't wait for the day when I'll finally grow up to fulfill my dream.

My 24th year is just three months away but I'll still be counting years before I fulfill that dream.

I feel happy for those who have reached that stage when they are ready to make that commitment. Sometimes I have "wedding lust" too.

But I just realized, I'm not yet at that point in my life. I have other dreams I want to fulfill, a career I want to pursue, missions for my family that I want to accomplish. I feel that only then can I commit my life to my hubby and future family.

Then again, I'm just 23 and I might change my mind tomorrow.

The important thing is, the wait is over.

I've found the man with whom I'll spend the rest of my life.

We belong together!

Breathing space

2005-11-27T00:31:00.000+08:00

Every now and then, I get to stop and breathe amid all this craziness.

Sometimes it only takes one day off to keep me sane for the rest of the week. I just wish I had more.

But instead of mulling over that I'd rather think of the things I should thank for TODAY:

1. The luxury of sleeping until past 11 am.
2. Having a nice home-cooked brunch. (Thanks Mama!)
3. Two hours spent boxing at the gym.
4. Finishing my editing for RX.
5. Scoring a great discount for my glutathione capsules (Thanks Carlo!) and for a pink bag on sale at 50% off from SO FAB!
6. Having a nice chat with A and a sumptous dinner at World Chicken.
7. Getting a relaxing foot spa from the salon.
8. Being able to go home.
9. Finally, and most importantly, hearing my Kernie's sweet "I love you" before I sleep. (i miss you Mahal!)

Life is sweet.

You just have to believe

2005-11-19T01:04:00.000+08:00

Things work out just fine.

Life has been extremely hectic these past weeks, hence my prolonged silence.

I barely had time to eat and sleep decently, but I had to keep the wheels turning and work like a tireless machine.

That sucks. I hate that kind of feeling.

Many times, I wanted to bail out but that would have been cowardly. I made this decision and I have to deal with it.

Besides, I am doing this not only for myself. I'm doing this for my family. And when I feel that somehow, I am able to help ease my parents' worries, that's enough to give me that sudden surge of strength to keep on going.

Thank God, I have my boxing sessions to turn to whenever I feel stressed.

Even if I've only had a couple hours of sleep, I would still make time for it just to release all that stress and pressure. Despite ending up with another bleeding wound, I feel good.

Yesterday, I was worried how I could possibly fix my schedule and meet all my assigned stories.

I had overnight editing from Thursday to Friday, an RX shoot on Saturday morning and then I had a scheduled departure for Batangas in the afternoon for a two day Lovely Day episode shoot which would overlap with another RX shoot on Monday.

Man, I almost went crazy.

As I was editing my segments at 3 this morning, I was praying really hard for "something" to happen and fix my schedule.

And something did happen.

This afternoon, I learned that our Batangas trip would be postponed to next weekend, which means I can shoot my RX story on Monday.

And then I received a call from my researcher saying our RX shoot tomorrow would be rescheduled on Tuesday, which means I can finally sleep late tomorrow.

Yay.

That sure was a quick answer.

Thanks to YOU.

If I prayed for a BMW, would you give me that too? Kidding.

Tonight, I will sleep.

And tomorrow I will go boxing.

To everyone else who had a stressful week, Happy weekend! :)

If only you knew...

2005-11-13T00:41:00.000+08:00

Crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
It's so brand new
You'll feel it in my kiss
I'm crazy for you...

The past eight days...

2005-11-12T01:09:00.000+08:00

1. I have gone to Bea's birthday party, belted out tunes til I was hoarse and danced like crazy.

2. I have gotten into a "fight" with Kernie.

3. I ended up buying this cute little baby

4. I lost 5 pounds and an inch from my waistline :)

5. My scrapes have dried up and my hand looks like a man's.

6. Completed my shoots, scripts and edited my story for the second episode of my new program, RXMEN on QTV11

7. Lasted eight rounds during my latest boxing session.

8. Accomplished two stories for Lovely Day.

9. Marked our 3rd year and 5th monthsary. (We haven't celebrated yet because of ~~our~~ my busy sked.)

***

I have just gotten back from our CMMA victory celebration at Music 21, my eyes were already drooping and I could feel the head ache coming.

I haven't slept and I have worked like a slave since Monday. (Yes, the trade-off of a five-digit salary.)

Everything has been happening in a flurry, I feel like a month has already passed.

I feel like I'm missing out on something.

BATTERED

2005-11-03T03:29:00.000+08:00

I now have a total of three scrapes on my right hand.

I have one nasty deep scrape on my forefinger knuckle, one on my middle knuckle and one on my pinky finger. My hand is starting to look battered and it hurts really bad. My trainor says I'm punching too hard, so maybe I just have to ease up a little bit.

But I'm not stopping now. Never.

Not when I've becoming more fired up about the my training. Over the weekend, I've watched two boxing movies: Million Dollar Baby and Cinderella Man.

Apart from the fact that both movies featured real great acting, it was cool to watch how real boxers train. In the movie, Hilary Swank's character was just learning how to box and I guess I was able to pick up a few pointers here and there. Plus, the sight of her ripping bod just made me want to get more serious with my training. Those abs are to die for.

Of course, towards the end of the movie, everything just went downright heartbreaking. I wanted to box the "Blue Bear" dead. (That's me getting over emotional.)

As for Cinderella Man, it wasn't really something I planned to watch. Nestie just told me it was a great movie and I ought to watch it. I guess the boxing element just made it a little bit more interesting to me.

I got so engaged, I found myself practicing my punches while Jim Braddock pummeled his opponent.

But it was how he fought the hardships of life that touched me the most.

At some point, I cried.

I felt uplifted.

I was inspired.

But one thing for sure, I love boxing as a workout, but I'll never engage in it for sport. Being knocked out and getting beaten up over and over is not my idea of fun. Not to mention having your face broken in all places possible. Let's just leave that to the pros.

As for me, I'm visualizing that by next summer, I'll be walking down the shores of Boracay wearing nothing.....but a two piece number.

Bareworthy bod.

Hot.

***

I saw these gloves at the Fairtex website and I'm wishing Santa would give me one for Christmas.

Aren't they lovely?

***

Got this from Kis' blog. Cute quiz.

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You give and take equally in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You're secretly hoping your partner will change for you.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

So true.

Well maybe, except for the "changing for me" part. I used to want other people to change for me. But as I got older, I've accepted that I should not change people but help people bring out the best in them.

If the change is for the better, why not? But if it's just those little quirks that make that person who he is, then why change? I think there's a big difference between improving oneself and transforming into a person someone else wants you to be.

And when you're in love, acceptance just comes naturally.

Otherwise, I guess you're just infatuated.

Scared

2005-10-26T15:01:00.000+08:00

I saw a ghost.

For the first time.

And I'm still freaking scared.

It doesn't matter if I realized it was there only when we reviewed the video.

I was so scared I almost cried while previewing it.

Crazy, I know.

But I'm just like that.

I just have to let it out or else I'm gonna get crazier.

***

I hate horror stories. I never watched scary or suspense movies. Not even Sixth Sense.

I knew Kevin Costner's character was a ghost because my brother told me so.

The closest I got to watching a scary movie was Tim Burton's Corpse Bride. And that's an animation.

So imagine my horror when I found out our Halloween episode was about haunted places. Last year, I made a segment about kiddie trick or treats and I had fun with that. But this year, we had to be more realistic and daring.

I know all the other shows are doing it, but I just don't like horror stories. Moreso when i have to shoot and write it myself.

My assignment was the abandoned Antipolo Hotel.

Sam's stories about his pre-research didn't help ease my fears at all.

The place was abandoned years ago, it used to be a hospital, windows are broken, interior rooms are dark and cold...

I'm getting the creeps as I type this so I might as well stop describing it, you get the picture.

The day before the shoot, I was really bothered, I couldn't sleep.

I was only able to sleep as sunlight poured in the room at 5.30 am. My calltime was at 9am.

I know it's just my over active imagination. And that's also the reason I stay away from whatever triggers those horrific thoughts.

But for the sake of my job, I had to do it. There's no harm in ~~pretending~~ trying to be brave.

As we traversed the road to the abandoned hotel, I tried hard to act cool about it. But Love was as much a scaredy cat as I am. We were both screaming when we saw a glimpse of the building from afar.

The place seemed eerie even in broad daylight.

I just got a little brave when I saw the caretaker and some of his kids playing near the building. If kids play here then it couldn't be so bad could it?

I only got braver when Sir Paul arrived. I guess it was his aura. Or maybe his nonchalant attitude as he surveyed the place. Or maybe the fact that he was a top parapsychologist. I guess I believed he had the power to ward off the bad ones when we enter.

I had to ask him a million questions before we enter. I needed to dispel all my fears if I wanted to get in that building.

Do ghosts harm you?

Sir Paul said ghosts don't do that. When ghosts appear, people get scared and their fear harms them. Real ghosts don't scare people because they don't want you to get scared. Otherwise, they can't talk to you and they can't get their message across.

Sometimes, he said, what we thought were "ghosts" could be imprints of memories left by the people who used to frequent or live in a certain place. They're not scaring you, they're just passing by.

Okay. I feel a bit better.

As expected, the place was dank and smelled of rotting wood. Paint was peeling off from all places and graffiti marred the walls and windows. Wild shrubs and plants were growing out of the ceiling.

Upon entering I already had that heavy feeling in my chest. I wanted to get out but I needed to get it over and done with. We did our first spiels on the second floor and I was trying hard to be unaffected by the creepiness of the whole thing.

I had my cameraman, his assistant, the prod assistants, lightmen and utility men all around me. How could I possibly be scared? I guess I knew they were all scared too.

I let Ron hold the mini dv cam so he could shoot some additional videos while I was shooting my segment.

All throughout the shoot, Sir Paul kept saying there were no ghosts around. There were a lot of imprints though. Mostly happy memories of people who spent their vacations in the hotel.

I felt less and less scared as time wore on. More than an hour later, the shoot was done and it was time for lunch. The second batch of staff arrived for the afternoon spiels.

Outside the hotel, I asked Ron to review the mini dv footage. From previous experiences of those who do ghost stories, appearances register on mini dv footage especially when it's on night mode.

Then, I heard Ron exclaim.

May nakita ka?

Rewind.

Pause.

And there it was, as clear as day.

A figure of a little girl standing next to the wall.

She had long hair, wore a white dress and shoes.

If you play the video in slow motion, you could see that her back was facing the camera and she was walking away.

We tried hard not to make a big fuss about it since the kids were already there. We couldn't risk for them to get scared since we still had to shoot the spiels inside the hotel.

Sir Paul was also skeptical about the video saying it could possibly be a real person, one of the caretaker's kids or their playmates who were following us through our shoot.

Curious, I asked the caretaker if I could see all his daughters. Two girls came out wearing t-shirts and shorts. I asked if any of them had worn a white dress within the day or if they had a playmate who had long hair and wore a dress that day.

Both answered, NO.

Noticing my confusion, the caretaker spoke up, "Ah yan po yung multo ng batang english speaking, madalas nagpapakita yan at kinakausao yung mga bagong punta dito."

I had goosebumps all over.

We checked again with Sir Paul and he said that we had encountered a "Casper," a friendly ghost.

He said he had already sensed her presence but he was waiting for her to materialize. But it seems that she has already sent her message. She knew she was caught on cam and she didn't need to show herself to us anymore.

Apparently, the little girl was from the US, she died young and her last happy memory was the vacation she spent in that hotel.

I wonder, if she comes back to the hotel, does she see the old hotel she used to go to or is she aware of its present state: worn by time, rotting and dilapidated?

Sir Paul said she knows that the hotel is abandoned now. In fact, the thought pattern he caught from the little girl was "this used to be a happy place."

She is not a restless or disturbed spirit. She has gone where she is supposed to go and she just comes back to the place whenever there are people around because it reminds her of the happy times she spent there.

Wow.

I guess I understand ghosts a little bit better.

But I'm still scared. So I guess that means I still don't want to see one.

I am just comforted with the thought that there is indeed an after life. That there is a better place in store for us where life will be eternally happy.

Speechless

2005-10-25T16:33:00.000+08:00

2005 CATHOLIC MASS MEDIA AWARDS

BEST CHILDREN'S PROGRAM

One of the best kinds of affirmation. I'm so happy that our efforts have finally been recognized.

I am proud to be a Kapuso.

I love my job.

I love Lovely Day.

Maraming salamat sa lahat ng sumuporta at naniwala sa amin.

Time to celebrate!!!

Second day

2005-10-20T21:25:00.000+08:00

There was no trace of muscle pain as I woke up this morning, so I was able to show up for my second boxing session at the gym.

Kuya Andy, my new trainer, had to teach me all the moves again to refresh my memory. Actually I still remembered most of the moves, I just couldn't master the boxing position just yet. But I'm getting there. Besides, this is just my second day.

This time, I had six rounds and I think I could have lasted for four more. I guess I'm getting the hang of it.

The jumping rope is still a major challenge. I never thought jumping up and down could be so tiring. I still can't complete a whole round without gasping for breath.

But what I really like about my new routine were the fab abs exercises Kuya Andy threw in. I was able to do all eight sets. My abs hurt after that but it was all worth it. I'm keeping an image of J Lo's abs in my mind just to keep me going.

The weird thing about all this is that, it seems I've lost my appetite. Actually, I had nothing but a cup of taho before I went to the gym, so I should be famished right after. But I didn't feel hungry at all.

It must be psychological. After all the sweat and muscle pain I had to endure, it seemed stupid to binge on a humongous meal right after. My two days worth of hard work will be wasted.

I wanted to swear off rice, but I thought that would be too drastic. So I ate a "healthy" serving of rice and Kernan's chicken gisantes for brunch. I've only eaten a chicken sandwich since.

Despite my irregular eating habits, I think I'm progressing slowly but steadily. I just hope my irregular working schedule will allow me to keep this up as well.

Sometimes work can get so hectic, it's so tempting to sleep rather than to sweat it out at the gym.

But I love what I'm feeling now and I am mustering all my willpower to keep going.

Plus, I've placed an order for pink boxing gloves. Now how's that for a motivation.

Can't wait for my next session.

Flab knockout

2005-10-19T21:37:00.000+08:00

I've been feeling sluggish lately.

I thought it must be because of the bad, moody weather or lack of sleep. But even when the sun's up and I've slept all of 8 hours, I still don't feel the energy.

I started tracing my stress trigger.

And though I've ignored it so many times, I am finally admitting it to myself: I'm gaining weight.

Not that it's a very bad thing. My mom always says it won't hurt to have a little "meat." But I feel bad when I can't fit into my clothes or when buttons start to pop. The clincher was when this capri I've had for so long kept unzipping the whole time I was wearing it. I was so down, I thought I've blown up so bad that I can't even keep my zip up!

When I got home I realized the zipper was worn already, but I felt bad just the same. Not depressed-bad. Just bad enough to make me rethink my habits and really do something about this.

I think the key to every transformation is honesty. If you really want to change something about yourself, you've got to be honest enough to admit that you do need that change, you've got to stop sitting on your ass and just do it.

Instead of starving myself thin, I've taken the easier way and enrolled in a boxing gym.

Yesterday was my first class. While Kernan was lifting weights at the gym, I was sweating it out at Red Corner. I don't know if it was a bad sign or a good sign but I was already sweating hard during the warm up exercises.

When I finally got to the boxing ring, I was gasping for breath. It took me some time to master the moves, but once it got to the punching part, I was all fired up. I imagined that the boxing pads my trainer used were two big flabs that had to be knocked out.

After three rounds, I was dead tired but I still had to tackle the jumping rope. Just like playing, I thought this would be pretty easy. But I was so wrong. Once I got to the jumping part, I could barely do five. I was out of breath and I had to stop several times for water breaks.

I didn't finish the whole thing. My heart was racing so madly I had to stop.

That's enough for my first day.

Before we left, Kernan introduced me to his trainor. I was sure I looked like a soppy girl then but he said, "Sir, ang ganda pala ng girlfriend niyo, mukhang model."

Wow, that really made my day. I know he didn't say "ang payat pala ng girlfriend niyo" which is a different thing, but I felt good just the same.

This morning, I felt like my limbs were beaten up but I think I may have seen a flatter tummy when I woke up. Okay, I may be exaggerating about the effects but I really love my tummy in the morning.

Despite a few aches here and there, I feel a bit more energetic. Now that's a really good sign. Once I get used to it, I will step it up a little more and do some pilates after my boxing sessions.

Here's to wishing I can wake up early every morning to go to the gym.

Maybe I can even post some before and after pictures once the results are very evident.

Wish me luck!

***

I think I have carpal tunnel syndrome

The other day was weird.

I was trying to write in my journal but I couldn't hold my pen. My hand felt shaky, almost as if it has lost control.

My handwriting was a mess, like I was some seven-year old first grader learning to write in cursive for the first time.

It was so weird but i continued writing anyway. I wrote about how I can't write properly until my grip normalized. Whew.

But one thing suddenly popped into my mind -- Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

I searched it on the net and got some fast facts from CCOHS website

In summary, here's what I found out:
* CTS affects the wrist and hand
* It happens when the median nerve, which sends signals from the brain to control the hand, is injured as it passes through the carpal tunnel in the wrist.
* There are more cases in women than in men
* People at risk are those who employ repetitive hand and wrist movements. Among those occupations listed, the only one I could relate to was a clerical worker, described as somebody who does a lot of typing.
* Among the symptoms of CTS are when you feel a tingling sensation (like an electrical shock) run through your hand, pain in the hand especially at night, numbness, weakness of the hand, difficulty to pinch and grasp. (Bingo!)
* CTS can be temporarily relieved by shaking the hands and resting.

Well I'm not really sure if it's CTS but I'm taking it easy on the hand just the same.

Our conversation made me remember something I thought I forgot

2005-10-12T21:56:00.000+08:00

A and I went to Starbucks after dinner.

It was a mini reunion of sorts.

We've hardly talked with each other for the past months, to think that we work in the same station and department. Late night talks like these are much needed breathers from the loads of stress we get from working in this industry.

Though I have friends at work, I can say that A is one of the few friends with whom I can blab on and on about things I can never talk about with people from the office.

Like this odd thing I have for ________.

Or the never ending craziness for ________.

You know that feeling when you just want to talk about it and let it all out. And when that's over, you can just forget about the whole thing.

That is, until the next time that feeling hits.

Hearing A talk about the same person we've talked about for almost 6 years makes me think how much we've changed over the years.

Here we are with jobs we've always wanted, though not quite what we ultimately dreamed of ( I want to be Oprah and A wants to be a filmmaker.) We have more than enough bucks to burn mid week before payday. We've acquired a certain fashion sense and Extenso-ed our hair. We've grown older.

This is what we see outside.

But inside, it seems the same. After all these years, that heartbreaking craziness is still there.

"How can I get over this?"

A asked me the same question she has asked me for six years.

Once again, I found myself quoting Greg Behrendt.

"Sorry girl, he's just not into you."

I know I've been there. And talking about this now makes me remember.

Again.

The intense emotions. The heart aches. The tears. The "if only's" and "what if's."

I cried then.

Now, I remember but I no longer feel them.

I can only laugh now at how stupid it all was.

Sometimes I think of how we have not reached a certain closure -- something that i feel would end it all for good.

But there is no chance for that now. And I am not going to find it for us.

I have moved on.

So can you.

And no matter what I say or do, no one can move on for you.

***

Days later, I received a message from A saying this guy showed up with another girl in tow.

I wasn't surprised.

"If a guy is so into you, he will never hook up with another girl. Never. If he was crazy in love with you, you should have been together by now. NO EXCUSES. You deserve someone better, I mean it. Huwag mong sayangin ang sarili mo."

She texted back, "How did you do it?"

"At a certain point, it became a matter of pride like, 'why the hell can't I make this guy fall in love with me?' But later on, i just stopped and realized it was his loss not mine. Why would i waste my time and break my heart over somebody who doesn't even give a sh!t about me? T*ng* siya kung pakakawalan niya ako. Masyado akong maganda para sa kanya."

So there.

Call it bitchy.

But in situations like these, a big helping of self love won't hurt at all.

In a nutshell

2005-10-12T21:02:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I find it hard to remember what has transpired for the past week. My days overlap with one another so I tend to lose track of time.

Thank God for photographs that make me remember.

My pet Simba

This is Simba and me at Ocean Adventure in Subic.

Isn't he adorable? Simba has got to be the smartest and friendliest sea lion I've ever met. (I've met about four.) Never mind that he smells fishy all the time, he can do a mean trick that can make you laugh to pieces.

I just look a bit distant in this picture because the trainor said that sea lions have sharp teeth and they do bite. Scary but cute

I thought it would be nice to have a sea lion for a pet, but I know I'll get into trouble with the Wildlife people for that. Not to mention how high maintenance these animals are...like large pens, lifetime supply of fresh fish, a deep pool, trainors...

I'll just get a nemo.

Kapuso ako!

Last weekend was spent under the scorching heat of the Davao sun at the SM City field.

We spent the whole day acting as bouncers for Love, Christian, BJ and Bea. The lines for autographs and photographs was never ending! Good thing the fans were polite and well disciplined.

Go Dabawenyos!

This is Bea, Christian and me before the closing number.

Surprisingly even though we stayed mostly under the tent, I still ended up with a sunburn. Must be the wind.

This is me trying to keep cool under the sweltering heat.

But no matter how tired we were, a hearty meal at Colasa's was enough to get us up and running again for the rest of the day. Man, their chicken barbecues are to die for, I actually had two servings of chicken and 3 big cups of rice. Yummmm!!!

We just slept late on Sunday morning and went to the famous chain of stores at Aldevinco's before leaving for Manila.

At the airport, I lugged 2 kilos of sweet lanzones and suha plus the pink malong and skirt I bought at Aldevinco's. I still can't believe the fruits just cost me 140 pesos. As Love would say, Davao is where you can practice the fruit diet without going broke.

After a long wait at the airport, slight turbulence, and 2 hours, it was home sweet home.

No matter where I go, I will always go back to my little piece of heaven.

Three things you don't know about me

2005-10-04T23:43:00.000+08:00

I got tagged by Summer.

So here goes...

1. I need to take a bath for at least 30 minutes, I feel "sticky" if I don't. I used to spend a whole hour for my bath, but when I needed to trade in a few minutes in the bathroom for more minutes on my bed, I trimmed it down to half.
It's a habit I got since I was little. We were taught to always scrub ourselves clean so we would always smell fresh. I guess I just took the word scrub too seriously. And then of course, when I got older, it was for purposes of vanity. Now what the hell do I do to consume a whole hour? Aside from the usual shampoo and conditioner, I scrub my face, scrub my body first with a face towel, next with an olive scrub, then with a bath gel and a loofah. Each takes around 15 minutes. Do the math.

2. I joined my first real beauty pageant when I was 12. My trainers thought I was tall enough to pass for an 18-year old and that I had a good chance to win. My parents were against it at first, but gave in to my pleadings later on. I mean, being a beauty queen was every little girls dream and I wanted to have a real crown. So for the first time in my life, I was able to wear a real gown and 4-inch heels, sashay down the catwalk, smile and wave. After I dazzled the judges with my brilliant "adult" answer, I beat almost all the older girls and I was crowned first runner up.

3. I can't sleep without a blanket that covers me from feet to neck. I got this habit when I was around 8 years old. A classmate told me stories of monsters and supernatural beings, I got so scared I couldn't sleep until I saw daylight. Until I thought of a solution: I used a blanket to cover myself from head to foot. I imagined it was some kind of force field where nothing and no one could enter. I felt braver after that. "Fighting the night monsters" pervaded my thoughts until I grew old enough to lose sleep thinking about my puppy loves and crushes. That's when I lowered the blanket down to my neck so I could breathe better. Now I still sleep with a blanket plus a nice tight hug from my life-size Kernie "bear."

4. After all these years, I'm still crazy about -- Oops. The tag said only three, so I guess I'll just keep this one a secret.

Pursue your passion

2005-09-27T15:29:00.000+08:00

Last Sunday, I was a pinch hitter for Kernan's shoot in the Palo Alto Race track in Antipolo.

I covered the Enduro Cross race where riders had to go round and round the race track for four straight hours!

The riders said it was the hardest track that they've tackled yet. I don't know exactly how hard it was. All I could see from afar was there were elevated areas and ones where their heads almost disappear. But seeing them emerge from the track like human mud pies say it all.

Struggling to finish that gruelling track under the scorching heat of the sun for four straight hours is no joke. I was just sitting under a tent and watching the whole race yet I felt so tired after. I mean they don't exactly get gold trophies or a million cash prize but they do it anyway.

They might have done it to prove something of themselves, to conquer their greatest fears, or to claim bragging rights. Whatever their reasons are, I am amazed by their passion for the sport.

The looks on their muddy faces when they finally crossed that finish line was priceless.

Even those who didn't win had that accomplished look on their faces as if just finishing the whole race was victory in itself.

I guess it's not always about winning, but doing what you want to do.

Pursuing your passion.

***

I wonder when was the last time I was so passionate about anything.

I used to be very passionate about writing.

The first time I ever got the concept of a diary was when I was starting school. I can't remember from whom I got the idea, but I would ask my parents to buy me a diary with those hearts on the cover, with a matching lock and key.

I would get hold of all the notebooks I could have, including those "professional" diaries my dad would receive from the office as Christmas gifts.

I would religiously write on every page about everything and anything that came to my mind, from what I played with during that day to what I thought about a certain saying from a book I read.

It's like I would step inside a world of my own when I started to write. I would rather write for hours on end than talk with anybody.

I guess I carried that attitude as I grew old.

I would rather write whatever I felt than tell it to somebody. It just made more sense to me when I could read my own words and thoughts. There have been countless times when writing in my journal first saved me from doing brash actions I know I could have regretted later on.

It was but natural for me to aspire to be a writer when I got into high school.

I joined the Blue Mantle, the high school journal, to further practice my writing skills. I would write "news items, editorials and literary works," all of which I placed inside quotes because now I realize they were merely child's play.

I would be preoccupied by a lot of things most of the time, but whenever I was in the lowest of the low moments I would always retreat to my trusty journal to "listen" when I wanted to let everything out.

When I got to college, I joined the Varsitarian.

This was where I learned writing is not just about heartaches, personal problems and reflections.

Writing was a weapon against corruption, injustice and poverty.

From pen and paper, I shifted to the computer to record my thoughts. Gone were the notebooks and diaries that began to look childish to me then.

This time, I was sure who I wanted to be. I wanted to be a journalist who fights the injustice in this world with the power of my words.

But I guess, we can't always be who want to be.

We can't always be who other people expect us to be.

Or maybe we just think we were meant to be a certain person but it's not really who we want to be.

When that turning point in my life came, I realized I didn't want to live like that.

I didn't want to live in fear for my loved ones.

Maybe I have become jaded.

But at a certain point, I just accepted to myself that there are some things in life I can't change. And some things are not worth dying for.

After college, I decided I didn't want to write anymore.

I just wanted to work.

I entered the maddening world of television.

Now I am here.

I'm pursuing a different dream and a different passion.

I am piecing together words and images to produce a smile on children's faces.

My writing has taken a back seat. But every now and then I remember. And that's when I write pieces like this.

Have I made the right choice? I know I have.

I may not be some big shot journalist fighting the never-ending corruption in this world, but I am happy with my life.

I am happy with what I am doing.

I am happy when I've made other people happy.

I've realized that life doesn't always go the way we want it to because it takes us on another path to a life more wonderful than what we thought it could be.

And now I'm aiming higher.

I am pursuing bigger dreams and passions.

My life couldn't have made a better turn than this.

***

Are you pursuing your passion?

Monday is a great day

2005-09-26T23:29:00.000+08:00

Mondays are when we get the ratings of Saturday's episode.

And last Saturday, we got.........15.4!!!! Yipeee!!!!!

Not to mention, I was jumping all over the room and grinning from ear to ear when I received the news. It's our highest rating yet.

Thanks to Mickey Mouse! And of course to the LD Europe team: Ate Cres, Love and Cocoy, for making this possible.

I know ratings shouldn't rule our lives but it's so exhilirating to savor this kind of victory.

We have this thing about being too happy, because we lose right after. But it
won't hurt to celebrate just a BIT, would it?

As we always say, "Smile naman diyan and everything para...Lovely Day!"

This beach trip was 3 years in the making

2005-09-24T19:14:00.000+08:00

Finally, Kernan and I can cross out something on our to-do list.

We went to Puerto Galera.

Together.

Not for work.

But for pleasure.

Just pleasure.

After three anniversaries, we finally had a celebration we really wanted. We've planned on going out of town so many times but work always gets in the way.

We almost didn't make it again this time. A storm was threatening its ugly head which would make more than an hour of boat travel dangerous. But one phone call to my brother's contact in Galera settled all our worries, the sun was up, the skies were clear and there were no signs of a storm anywhere.

So with very little preparation, we hurriedly packed our bags and boarded the 5am bus headed for Batangas pier.

(l-r) in the bus, at the pier, aboard the boat

We arrived at the pier at 7.30am, an hour early from the first boat trip to White Beach. More than enough time to have a leisurely breakfast.

The boat ride was very smooth rocking me to sleep on Kernan's shoulder half of the time. We were on the lookout for dolphins but I guess they weren't in the mood to play that day.

By 9am, we stepped on the shores of White Beach. Yes, the sand wasn't very white and the resorts lining the shore weren't comparable to Boracay. But Kernie and I were together and that would make any place on earth paradise.

My brother's contact Shielamae was already waiting for us at the shore and took us for a tour of the different resorts.

Since it was off peak, airconditioned rooms went as low as P800/night. But once you stepped out, you would be greeted by the noise from the stalls outside.

So we chose to check in at this lovely hut up in Lagundian Hills which had a wonderful view of the beach.

(l-r) Lagundian Hills, our house, the view from the hill
We dropped our bags, plopped on the bed and fell asleep.

By the time we woke up, it was past 3pm and we were so hungry. We went to one of the many restos lined up at the beach and helped ourselves to a huge fried tilapia, red eggs and tomatoes. Yum!

For the first time in years, we had no deadlines looming at us. And all we had to do was enjoy.

We had no plans on how to spend the rest of the afternoon so we just walked along the beach and enjoyed the cool, crisp air.

There were very few people and the island almost seemed desolate. It seemed kinda sad at first, since I was used to Boracay's crowded shores. But since we wanted to relax, I realized this setting couldn't have been more perfect.

With lots of time in our hands, this was the time to do anything we wanted and maybe even try the things we've always wanted to do together, like snorkelling, scuba diving, riding a banana boat, jet ski...

I quickly texted Shielamae to schedule a scuba diving trip early the next morning. She said it was best to do it as early as 8am since rains were expected in the afternoon.

That night, we went to a bar which was surprisingly alive and open despite very few customers. Kernan had 2 bottles of beer and I had a heavenly choco banana shake. Though there was no party or dancing, it was fun just talking and being with each other.

As the night ended, we both agreed we should plan another out of town trip together.

Day 2

Pics before the scuba trip

We woke up 30 minutes before our scuba trip.

Kernan was excited. I was nervous.

Crazy as it may seem, I kept remembering the movie "Open Water" and thoughts of being left behind by the boat and shark attacks were floating in my head.

Kernan kept assuring me that it's just a movie and there will be no sharks in the water. I kept thinking in my head, "the water is my friend, the water is my friend...."

Since we didn't have any diving experience, the dive master said we would just have an intro dive and wouldn't have to go too far.

I listened intently to every instruction and warning.

"Always breathe through your mouth."
"Keep the water out of your goggles."
"Stop when you feel the pressure and make your ears pop."
"Make the thumbs up sign when you badly need to go up."
"Just RELAX."

After putting on our gear it was time to hit the waters.

The first few minutes were quite hard since it felt strange to be breathing through the mouth. The oxygen also had this weird taste in my mouth and my jaw would tire from gripping at the mouth piece.

After about half an hour of bobbing up and down in shallow water and getting used to the breathing thing, we decided we've seen enough of sand, it's time to see the fishes.

The dive master supported me as we swam deeper into the waters. I knew we were getting deeper as I started to feel a throbbing pain in my ears. I resurfaced two times because I couldn't make it pop, but by the third time I was an ear popping expert.

The sight of the corals were breathtaking.

I mean I've seen them before in documentaries and pictures but it was a wonderful experience to see them up close. I could almost touch them.

As we went deeper, the water grew colder and there were more and more corals. By this time all thoughts of "Open Water" were erased from my head. Even the ear popping came naturally. I was simply enjoying the moment and reveling in the beauty of nature.

Too bad there were some wrappers and other junk among some of the corals. If only people would see what they’re destroying by throwing even just one piece of plastic into the water, maybe they would think twice before they do. How could you destroy this amazing habitat?

I could only imagine how the fishes’ world would be like without the corals. It’s like living in a barren land with nothing but miles and miles of sand. Now that would be sad.

Before I knew it, more than an hour had passed and we headed back for the shore. It was so fun I didn’t realize we had gone as deep as 30 feet! If I had known while we were underwater, I would have freaked out.

The rest of the day, Kernan and I just lounged around the beach. Heavy rain poured mid-afternoon so we stayed indoors.

Funny thing was there was no TV inside the room, so Kernan and I would alternate between sleeping and talking. I guess it was just as well since it has been a long time since we really talked about things not related to work.

Other times, we would sit at the terrace marveling at the beautiful view, munching on rice krispies and uraro.

It's nice how we could spend time together just like that. No need to talk or do anything. We're comfortable in each other's silence.

I guess sometimes you don't need words to say "I love you."

Day 3

It was a bright and sunshiney morning just perfect for snorkeling at Coral Island.

Kernan has been there before and he was raving how the corals there were more beautiful than what we had seen in our diving trip.

This time, we took a short boat ride to the island. We also brought some of the left over uraro biscuits to feed the fishes.

Since there would be no guides holding me this time, I made Kernan promise he would never leave my side while we were snorkeling. I know it's just shallow water and I have a life vest on. But I still don't know how to swim.

I wouldn't want to get so engrossed with the corals that I would drift so far from the boat and get swept away by the water. I know, I'm crazy like that.

Anyway, Coral Island was indeed rave-worthy. Of course, there were corals all over the place and lots of fishes. And I mean lots and lots of fishes. They were literally swimming inches away from my face.

And when Kernan and I sprinkled the uraro biscuits into the water, the fishes went crazy. They were darting here and there and swam after the falling crumbs in a flash.

I wish I had an underwater camera to capture how beautiful it was.

After snorkeling, we packed our bags and headed for home.

The boat ride back to Batangas pier was smooth but dark clouds were looming from the distance. "Mukhang malakas ang ulan," Kernan said. But I prayed it won't. This isn't punishment for enjoying three days, is it?

When the boat was 30 minutes away from the pier, heavy rain started to pour. I kept praying we would reach the pier soon lest the rain hits harder. Good thing the waves weren't that big. We reached the pier just as the rain started to let up.

The bus ride home was a blur as I drifted to sleep. When I opened my eyes, I could see the unmistakable heart sign at the top of our office building.

It's back to the real world, baby.

I headed straight to the office and started working on my script which was due that night.

This trip was three years in the making, but it was all worth it.

Kernan and I are planning to invade Boracay next, and then Palawan, Phuket, Hawaii....(just let me dream, ok?)

I just wish it won't take years this time.

I love you Kernie, can't wait for our next trip together.

Three faces of me

2005-09-20T18:56:00.000+08:00

Have you ever seen how people perceive you? Well, I've heard people talk about what they think of me, in front of me or otherwise. But to see how others see me is a totally different experience.

When we went to Tam-awan Village, Rose and I got the opportunity to be drawn by very talented artists.

Presenting three faces of me.

A lot said none of the drawings looks like me, but this one's my favorite.

People take one look at me and they immediately say I look like a snob. It's nothing I haven't heard before. But it doesn't mean I am.

I just don't talk a lot. That is, around people I don't know a lot. I like to listen to people because I learn more that way. And when I feel like I can trust the people around me, that's when I start talking and sharing myself bit by bit.

I used to feel bad when I hear people say bad things about me, who wouldn't? But now whatever face they see, I don't really care anymore. No matter what I do, people will always see me the way they want to see me.

What matters to me is the people I love know the real me and they love me just the way I am.

***

It would be nice if I can go to somewhere far every weekend and just explore.

I have dreams of travelling abroad but I feel like I have to explore the wonders of my own country first.

Tam-awan Village is one such place I was lucky to have gone to. It may seem like a very simple place with native Ifugao houses but it felt like it had a world of it's own.

It was so peaceful.

There were flowers everywhere, and for me that's a rare sight. (Most of the flowers I see everyday are artificial.)

Intense Red.

Wild.

Feels like my own little garden.

The elder there said Tam-awan actually means heaven in the clouds. (If I'm there, does that mean I could be an angel in heaven?)

And at a certain time of the day when the place is embraced by fog, you almost feel as if you were really in heaven away from all the cares of the world.

Baguio adventures

2005-09-06T04:25:00.000+08:00

Heavy rains and equipment problems delayed our departure for Baguio but the trip pushed through as planned.

We arrived at 12 midnight, had a short story conference and went to bed. But I always find it hard to sleep in a new place on the first night. And though I was tired, I just can't close my eyes and drift off to la-la land.

It was my turn to shoot the following morning. We were headed to a special tourist spot in Itogon, Benguet: The Balatoc Mines.

I'm usually scared of crossing bridges. There's something about me and balance, that doesn't go quite right. Sometimes I easily lose my balance and tip off even on an even floor. How much more on a hanging bridge?!

But when there's a great view to distract you, I guess it won't seem as scary.

You can even ask others to take your picture.

Or take your pic yourself. Just be careful not to smile too hard and lose your balance.

After overcoming the fear of the bridge, it's time to brave the tunnels. But before we go in, safety first. We had to put our gear just like good miners.

We had to wear the helmet with matching headlights and plastic boots. My little girl Bea and my Starstruck boy Gabby were all set to conquer the dark tunnels. But that's not the real tunnel yet. It's a cool banner right smack in the center of the receving area letting the guests have a feel of the real tunnel.

But the real entrance to the tunnel was a lot darker.

It was scarier inside. Our tour guide said this tunnel was used by the Japanese during WW!!. Makes you think if some of them linger around in the deep crevices of the tunnel.

The mine train ride was cool. We got to see how real miners do their thing and how exactly the gold is extracted from the ores. As a kid, I used to think gold's natural shape was a bullion. Now I know, it takes a whole lot of effort to dig in the tunnels, scrape and filter the gold dust before you can form it into a gold bar.

Too bad, we didn't see a real gold bar. The guide says, operations in the Vegas tunnel have long been stopped because much of the gold deposits have been depleted already. Now it's just a tourist spot showcasing the right way to do mining.

I have new respect for miners. I think it takes a lot of guts to go in the tunnel and actually look for gold. I mean, no matter how many security measures you take, man can never control nature and it's like going into your own tomb everytime you go in the tunnel.

Still, going there was a great experience. If ever you do go to Baguio, drop by the Balatoc mines and see for yourself.