Beating the baby blues

I’ve been battling the baby blues for the past week.

It’s like a monster that creeps in at random times of the day that throws “what ifs” and depressing thoughts in my head.

And I cry like my whole world is crumbling down on me.

I’d been trying to keep a brave and happy façade but I’d be lying if I say I’m always happy.

That’s why I’ve deliberately shied away from other people because I don’t want to drag them down the hole I’m falling into. Besides, I don’t want them to know that I’m unhappy.

I’d be such an ungrateful wretch to be unhappy when I’ve got one of the most precious blessings in the world.

But I am was.

At times, I would be so self-centered.

I’d mourn the “loss” of my old body, knowing fully well it would never be the same again. I think about all the things I couldn’t do and all the places I couldn’t go to because I have to put Jamaine as my top priority. I’d be so helpless because I feel like my life has changed so much and I can’t bring it back.

Other times, my worries would revolve around Jamaine.

I worry if she’ll grow up healthy. I agonize over the thought that I might not be able to give her all the love and care that she needs. I even doubt if I can provide her all her material needs.

(Now that I think about it, these worries still revolve around me.)

Everyday for the past week is like some episode from a drama series with me doing an endless monologue interspersed with tears.

But I’ve finally decided that this will stop now.

I will pull myself together and I will start moving on.

I will no longer dwell on the “what ifs” and I will live in the now.

I will open my eyes and learn to appreciate the countless blessings God has given me.

I will close this drama series and open a new episode in my life.

And this time, it stars my wonderful and beautiful baby, my loving and hardworking husband and a more grateful me.

Because in reality, I’ve got all that it takes to have a happy life.

Comments

Anonymous said…
awww jayme... i had to go through the very same thoughts only... i don't have a baby... i think at one point, we look back to what we have sacrificed / will be sacrificing for the people we love...

honestly, at times, i feel some regret inside me pero before the day ends, i feel grateful that i did it because there are some 'moments' that cannnot be replaced by making that decision... you are right, instead of dwelling on the decision, we just have to think of the outcome...

ramblings na naman.. pasensiya na.. but i hope maging okay ka na... kasi kahit na anu pa ang mangyari, ikaw lng ang makakakumbinsi sa sarili mo na tama ang ginawa mong desisyon :)

-rach
Anonymous said…
Have you ever thought of taking an antidepressant? Usually it's prescribed to women who are going through post pregnancy depression. I highly recommend it. Your doctor would be more than willing to prescribe the ideal dose just to drive the blues away and you only need it for a short while anyways. No addicting effect to worry about:) So go for it girl.

Congratulations for such a beautiful bundle of joy.

-NV-

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