Happiness, mood swings and mysterious lovers

"Our natural state is to be happy and peaceful, until we disturb it."

That's what Dr. Dean Ornish said on Oprah.

Could it really be that simple?

I guess we have been so used to complicating our lives that we can't even think of a life without
complications. Sometimes (maybe most of the time), I'm guilty of making my own problems. It's like fearing happiness thinking that problems and tragedy will come to replace it in equal degree. So why not just wallow in sadness right?

I remember some people would tell me, "tawa ka nang tawa ngayon, bukas iiyak ka naman" as if I should be careful of being too happy. Or if I'm happy about something, some people would say nasty things just to make me feel like, "it's not a bright and sunshiney day." They're like "happiness zappers" bent on being harbingers of gloom and pulling others into their misery.

But when i think about it, i'm the loser if i let them or fear itself control my happiness. This is my life and I can be happy if I choose to, I can be sad if I want to. It's like waking up in the morning and deciding, "i'm gonna be happy today." I have only one chance of living this day and nothing and no one should get in the way.


I am a moody person.

Although I am mostly patient and quiet, I have occasional bouts of bitchiness. I get irritated by the smallest things and get pissed off by unimportant situations. I blame people and wallow in silent seething anger.

Like last night, I was bent on using the computer to start my self-taught graphic design course, but the programs i bought wouldn't load because an error would always show up. I blamed my brother for it because he was always using the computer to play Ragnarok. Add to that the frustration I had in the morning because my morning shoot didn't go as i expected.

I started to write in my journal as i used to do when things bother me or when i need to let my thoughts out. And after two whole pages full of rants, i suddenly realized i could go on being pissed and ruin the rest of my night or just let it go and spend time on more important things.
and so i stopped.

I saved myself the unnecessary emotional strain and loss of energy. Some things are just too small to "sweat" about. As Richard Carlson put it, "don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff."


I had a weird dream last night.

I was with this guy who i remember was absolutely gorgeous but i couldn't fully describe his face. I do remember he was fair, had an aquiline nose, and an amazing pair of brown eyes. He was my lover and we were living in this town which seemed to me like Italy. I couldn't remember exactly how it looked like but i do remember brick roads and houses. The setting was definitely not the present time because we wearing gowns and suits like in the old times.

As the story goes, ours was a forbidden love and we were cast off by our parents to live on our own. We would go from house to house searching for a place to stay but no one would let us in. Finally we were able to find a place to stay and made passionate love with each other.

Fast forward to the future, we eventually became rich but we were at odds with each other and i still can't figure out til now why. I can't even remember anything happening in the dream that signaled that our relationship would fall apart. But we separated and the dream ended.

I woke up with a heavy feeling in my heart and trying to remember who he was and how he looked like, but the memory still escapes me.

Could it have been a past life?

If it had been, I certainly wouldn't want that to happen to us now.

Instintively, i reached for my phone and saw a new message. It was my kernie.

"I love you."

I smiled. I knew then everything would be alright.


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